Never Been Loved(68)

In the elevator, just when I’m about to let Sera down easy, just when I’m about to say goodbye to this queen of a chick, Matty pops up with a request.

“Sera? You’re still going to read to me, right?”

“If that’s what you want, Matty. I’ll be over soon, okay?” Sera says.

Ding, ding, ding! The round is over and the last man left standing is the kid.

Stepping off the elevator, Sera goes to her place, while I unlock our door and set the kid down. He takes off his shoes slowly, unwinding the shoelaces and the perfect bunny ears I made this morning – the kid’s not looking at me.

“What’s up, Matty?”

Still undoing his laces, he mumbles, “I really like Sera, Daddy.”

“I do, too, kid. Now, let’s get you cleaned up so Sera can read to you, yeah?”

“That’s a good idea.” He nods at me like I’ve surprised him.

Sera knocks on the door fifteen minutes later, wearing sweats and a huge t-shirt that I don’t have a chance to read since I’m concentrating hard on not staring into the abyss that are her tits. She holds up a book at me and grins, moving past me into the kid’s room.

I lock the door, and move to my bedroom, lying down on the bed to hear her read to him. I frown at the kid’s questions – he’s got about a million of ’em, interrupting the story – Sera doesn’t even get annoyed, her voice stays calm while she answers him. Matty even freaks out when some cat turns into a human, and makes Sera stop reading only to ask a shit-ton more questions. I’m grinning, alone in my room, and I have no idea how it got on my face.

You’re cracking up over some girl. Really, man? Is this what’s in store for you?

Yes. Yes it is.

I keep listening to Sera read, and then head out slowly to shut off all the lights. I peek into Matty’s room, stare like some fucking creep in the darkened hallway, watching Sera and Matty’s heads close enough together you’d think they were Velcro’d with both their faces in the book.

Finally. The kid’s asleep. Amen.

Sera shuts off the light and I hear her freeze for a few seconds, getting used to the dark. I do this shit to keep my eyes sharp, a personal test, to check if my eyesight’s getting worse in the dark. I’ve had diabetes for ten years, and a major side effect is the steady loss of vision without control over my sugars.

It’s like I’m waiting for my eyes to fuck up, just waiting to give up on life, to stop work, to stop providing for the kid. I hate that about myself, this constant need to make sure I’m okay, and it sure as hell isn’t a surprise that I’m not.

I’m not good for Sera. She doesn’t need to fall in love with a man that will inevitably go blind and forget what she looks like.

This is so fucked up. Everything is just so fucked up.

“Why don’t you close Matty’s door, and you can turn on the lights?” she whispers, gasping when I close the fridge door. I slowly reach out for her hand, feel her jump at the contact.

You’re not a vampire. Chicks don’t dig being sneaked up on.

Damn it, I just want to be close to her. She makes me forget what I am. So I move closer, half-expecting her to scream her lungs out when my lips graze her ear, half-expecting her to knee me in the balls again.

You’re a sick bastard if you’re smiling thinking of that. Maybe I am.

“I need his door open so I can check on him during the night. And I do it to test my vision. I force my eyes to get accustomed to the dark.”

“Oh.”

The world is a darker gradient of grey and I can barely make out her face. Her face, though, is probably confused, and this is a subject I don’t want to get into. I want to kiss her tonight, I want to taste her and make her forget what I am, and make her believe that I can be more. Talking about fucking impending blindness will not do that for me.

“Your sugars, right?”

Ah, shit. She knows. She knows everything.

I can’t help myself; I kiss the soft roundness of her cheek, and linger for a second too long. The invisible band squeezing my chest hard enough to kill eases up a little.

“I forget that you know all this already. I love that I don’t have to explain any of this to you.” Fuck, I do.

In the dark, I hear her slow intake of breath, and it rattles and shakes as she lets it out. Sera could be afraid of being alone with me.

“Are... are you dressed?”

“Hmmmm,” I groan against her ear, moving even closer to her heat and her sugary smell. I’ve moved my hands to her waist, whether to keep her in place, or keep me standing, I’m not sure. “Do you want me to be?”

“Holy Tardis of Gallifrey!”