A family. Is that what I have with Sera?
"I love her, Eddie, but-"
"But what? Fight for her, like you've never fought for anything before."
"I'm tired of fighting. I'm sick of it."
"Is life harder or easier with her in it?"
I sigh. "I don't want to answer you."
"Because you know this old man is right. Fight now, use every ounce of strength you possess to let her find the will and strength to keep you, and you can rest. You wouldn't have to do this all by yourself anymore," Eddie adjusts his collar, then rubs a hand over his tired face.
"I've screwed the kid up a lot," I admit. "He thinks I hate him."
"You're terrified of being affectionate with him, of losing whatever piece of Jules that's in him. Stop being so scared, Hunter. Please, stop being so scared."
"He's going to be devastated when I tell him that Sera's gone."
"I'll be devastated too. She's a wonderful woman."
"You have no idea."
It took me two weeks to draft this particular text.
I read certain choice parts to Matty for his advice and all he told me is that I didn't say sorry enough. Surprise, surprise he's pissed at me. Royally pissed.
I've taken the magic in his life away. I have to somehow get it back. The sun sets with Sera for Matty – and for me – and we haven't seen it around here for a long time.
If I needed any confirmation that I'm a coward, well, this is it. I haven't knocked on her door. I've had to check myself when I hear her unlock her door, and instead of running over and falling to my knees and begging for her forgiveness, I stand stock-still and remind myself that I'm doing this for her.
I've kept it secret long enough.
It's been too long since I've told anyone, and Sera deserves to know.
I know what it looked like, trust me. If you'd done the same thing to me, I'd be climbing the fucking walls. I deserve this, whatever punishment you're going to give me, I do. I should never have started anything with you, Sera. It was selfish and an asshole thing to do.
I was being an asshole those first few times we were together – I wanted you to stay away. I knew what you were, I knew what you could be to me with one look at your shirts, and the smile, and the book in your hand and how you were oblivious to everything else in the world, even me.
The only words I can offer you are I'm sorry. Two words, seven letters. Nothing special, right? But just know that I really mean them, more than I've meant anything in my entire life.
I wish we could have had more time. I could've explained everything to you, and not played you from the beginning. I'm not Matty's biological father. He was my sister's, and her name was Jules. She died three years ago when Matty was one. She died when she was twenty-five, the same age as you are now.
Seems like a sick twist of fate, right? I don't think I ever told you how much I believe in that shit. Something out there put you in my path, showed me what a good woman could do for a fucked up guy like me. How she could make him want to be better for her, for his nephew who calls him Dad.
I just want you to know the truth.
Aly and I were done the day after you took me to the hospital. She tried talking with my Mom about our situation. Our parents knew each other when they were growing up, and me and her, we've been groomed for an imminent marriage with all the finesse of a business transaction. No matter how many women I had in between, or how many guys she's fucked instead of me. And she's freaking out, especially now that her parents are broke and her blow money's running out.
Yeah, she does drugs. I used to, too. She was the one who gave me my first hit when I found out about my diabetes, when I was eighteen. I felt like she was the only person I could turn to, and I loved her, or thought I did. All my friends looked at me differently, and the pity in their eyes, I wanted to rip them out of their sockets. Funny thing about pity is, it's still there, whether you see it or not. You feel it on your skin, and it gets stuck in your head.
So Aly and I have history. Like I told you, baby, I'm nothing but a cock and an impending orgasm for her. You, you make me feel like I could be so much more. My sugar was spiking when we fought. I ran hard for an hour at the gym, trying to get it down as much as I could. It dropped, and I was out of it until I could get my head in gear to get to the hospital.
Mostly I was ashamed. That I let you take my kid to the hospital without me. That you were right about everything, that I'm not a good dad. So I called Aly in a moment of stupidity.
Didn't even take a little convincing to drive me over, while her hand tried to get into my jeans, and down my boxers. I'm sorry, but you have to believe I nearly broke her hand when she did that. You have to know that. I only want you. Only you, Sera. Nerdy shirts and all. Reading my boy Harry Potter every night, and smiling at me from my bed every morning, even kicking me out, 'cause you're body temperature goes out of whack when I'm close by.
I'm sorry, baby. I'm so sorry I hurt you, that I drove you away. I can't ask for your forgiveness because I don't deserve it. I've done bad things, least of all with Matty. You're lucky to be free of me.
Just know that these past few months with you have been the best in my life. I don't remember laughing this much, or smiling this much in a long time. I know Jules would have loved you.
Thank you. For everything. For making me see what I needed to see with Matty. Again, it doesn't feel like enough, but it's all I can say – thank you and I'm sorry I hurt you.
All there is to do now is wait, and pray for a miracle.
Chapter 30
My goddamn palms are sweaty. I keep rubbing them on my pants, and I'm breathing fast like I do after my four sets of bench press.
What's the worst that could happen, right?
I lose the one chance at being happy. Because I sure as fuck don't think there's another woman out there with half the awesome that's all of Sera.
So I gambled on this. All her boys know, and so does her girl, Katie. She's the one that set this up for me, even though she put me through the third degree and wanted to know timelines of our future together, like she was waiting for a countdown.
I might die tonight, and I'll take every punch because I deserve it.
I love that Sera's friends have her back, but tonight I'm the enemy.
I'm wading into an ocean filled with sharks, already wounded.
I'm in this Greek restaurant, at Alex's engagement party. There's a dancefloor and everyone is doing their thing.
Christ, my girl's dancing. Dancing this weird dance that involves shots on the ground and the music isn't in any language I've ever heard, but she's moving, losing herself to the beat.
When she squats down and gets a shot off the dancefloor and salutes Alex - and Teresa? – with it, she's so fucking beautiful, so radiant that it's a wonder how she wants me. I'm hers though, and God, I want her to be mine.
Sera's wearing a tight black dress, and it's got me sucker-punched in the gut. She's lost weight, and while her cheekbones are starker in her face and her eyes look brighter, her curves are less than what they were – she looks like a complete stranger to me.
She's got to be in there, still. She has to be, or I just fucked myself over for the rest of my life, and the kid will never forgive me.
When she stands straight, she looks over at me, her face stoic and calm. You'd think she was looking at someone she doesn't know, and doesn't give a shit about.
I get my hands in my pockets so she can't see them shaking.
Now everyone knows I'm here since my girl's stopped dancing in the middle of the floor, despite the music coming back on after her song ended. She looks over at Katie and they get into it, my girl's face all twisted in pain and hurt.
It still floors me. I didn't expect her to come running into my arms, but fuck, this hurts a lot. Can I drink acid instead?
Sera's guided over to me, and Katie points a finger at me like she's thinking about stabbing it through my ribcage and right into my heart.
"Don't fuck this up. I'm giving you a diamond opportunity here, MacLaine. She better be nothing but fucking ecstatic next time I come around to see the pair of you."
She drags Sera over to a table and I follow.
"Play nice, and I'll be back in twenty to check on you. Sweetie," Katie says to Sera, "make me proud."
Now we're alone.
"You... you look good," I say, and want to hit my head against the table. I don't deserve to have a brain. But I figure I should start out with some sort of compliment. Then again, I'm not the smart one at this table.
"Good to know," she says, hardly loud enough for me to hear over the music. Why did I choose to do this here again? She's looking down at her hands, though, and it looks like they're more interesting than anything I'll have to say. "Why are you here? Why did you come here?"