I need to get Sera back.
But I have to find a way to get there first.
I should've called Eddie. Why didn't I think of Eddie?
My brain's compromised, and it didn't hijack enough sugar to work properly until after I phoned Aly. Christ, she's pissing me off.
"You bring that hand near me again, and I'm going to break it," I tell her, watching the road for her since she doesn't seem to care one way or another. We should be at the hospital in another ten minutes.
Ten minutes spent in the car with Aly, and I'm going to fucking lose it. The sugar's finally working, and I feel pretty good. I'm going to need all my strength when I see Sera, I'm going to need all my smarts to get her to try and to commit to me again.
Because I blew it. I blew it big time.
Just my luck, Sera's walking out to my car with Matty in her arms. I know she's seen us pulling up since she stumbles to a stop, and she isn't looking at me, but she's looking at Aly. At Aly.
Why am I such a fucking idiot?
"Daddy!" Matty hollers from Sera's arms, and squirms to be put down, throwing my girl off balance. I have to teach the kid to relax about always wanting his way. Another lesson for later, when she thinks I've done enough groveling.
Which might until I'm seventy-five, but I'm cool with that.
Sera keeps moving towards me, back straight, lips tight like she's swallowed something bad. Or maybe she's sick of the sight of me.
Maybe I'm too late.
No. No fucking way.
I grab Matty from her, but now Sera's fishing for keys and hands them to the kid. Oh yeah, those are mine.
"And then they put this light in my eyes and told me not to look at it. Isn't that funny? How can I not look at it, Daddy, when it's right in my face?!" Matty tells me, but I only catch about two words out of his story.
Sera's not looking at me still. I've got her eyes on me, yeah, but she's seeing past me, like I'm a ghost.
No. Don't do this. Please.
She puts a smile on her face. I don't know who it's for. She waves and she's off, leaving me with my … son, and leaving us to deal with what's she's left behind.
I don't think I can move, I'm pinned in place.
Why the hell am I always the one trying to get her back?
You're the one ruining everything. Obviously.
Can't she turn around and tell me she wants me? Tell me I'm better than sticking around with Aly because that's what everybody else wants? What does Sera want, anyway? I'm good enough for a hand job only?
Relax, man. Regroup. You're not thinking straight.
"Thanks for the ride, Aly. Here's something for your gas." I get a twenty out of my pocket and toss it in the passenger seat. I've been hollowed out and the world's gone grey. Sera took all the life out of it the minute I let her walk away.
"That's a fucking joke, right?" she sneers, and I feel Matty tense up in my arms.
He's either going to ask her for a quarter or … not.
"Who's going to drive you home, you stupid piece of shit?"
"That shouldn't bother you from going on your way." Matty's plastered himself onto me, and is holding on tight. Yeah, he's a little kid, but he sure as shit know what's going on, and Aly's screeching isn't helping matters.
I need to get to Sera, and I fucking need to get rid of Aly.
I don't have time for this. One day, when I'm more sane, and I have Sera back, I'm going to settle this shit once and for all. I'm going to tell Aly that she needs to start taking care of herself, that she needs to grow the fuck up and get her shit together.
Now is not that time. I ignore her, the slamming of her car door, and the eventual peeling out she does out of the parking lot. I'll deal with that later.
I get my phone out and dial Eddie, doing the smart thing for once.
"Hunter?" he answers. "Is everything all right?"
"Sure, Eddie. I know it's late for you, but I need a lift back to my place. I don't feel well enough to take the bus right now. You know what? It's okay, Eddie. I'm gonna stick around here for a bit. Sorry if I woke you, have a good night."
"Hunter, which hospital are you at? Who's sick? Is the boy all right?"
I grunt. "Yeah, Eddie. We're both good. I'm just gonna relax for a bit and then I'll make my way home until I'm good enough to drive. It's okay."
"Are you certain?"
I smirk. "Yeah, Eddie. I didn't think it through. I've been doing that a lot lately."
"Stay there, I'm on my way."
And although I should tell him no, I should tell him to go back to sleep or wind down, I stay quiet. Eddie's the only dad I ever really had, and I need him here. I need to listen to him and lay shit out.
"I'll be waiting. Call me when you get here."
"I will, my boy. See you soon."
Eddie's holding a sleeping Matty and staring at me with disappointment. There are only two people I never wanted to let down in my life, and those were Jules and Eddie. Seems I haven't learned my lesson.
"You've been making a lot of bad decisions, Hunter. Why?" I watch Eddie rub Matty's back, and I wonder if he feels like he ever missed his chance, not being a dad – especially when it comes natural to him like breathing.
I envy him that, I really do.
I rub a hand through my hair, and think of Sera's face when she saw me with Aly. I should be over there right now, telling her how sorry I am, how pathetic I am. Maybe it's time to let her go, though, for real this time.
But how in hell can I do that when I've glimpsed an amazing future with her and now I have to go on living, fucking pretending that I didn't see it, that it doesn't exist?
I need to think, and I need to plan.
This isn't going to be easy.
Then again, loving Sera Delos is so easy, I'd have to put in the work somewhere.
"You love her, don't you?" Eddie asks, eyes looking straight through me. Matty lifts his head as if still in a dream and blinks a few times. He demands to go to the bathroom by himself through a yawn, and since the emergency waiting room is pretty much deserted, Eddie and I walk him over to the single stalled-washroom and wait outside.
I didn't need all that time to think about my answer.
"Absolutely." There's no hesitation on my part.
"Does she know?"
That eighteen-wheeler is parked on my chest again. "No. No, she doesn't."
"And whose fault is that?"
"Damn it, Eddie. I didn't want you to come here for a lecture. I know I screwed up. I did, I know it, and I did it bad enough that I've jeopardized a future with the one woman who can stand what I am."
Eddie shakes his head. He shuts his eyes and pulls in a deep breath. "There's nothing to stand, my boy. You've just been shown the ugly side of things, and nothing more. This child here, your son..." Eddie stops, like he's expecting me to go ape-shit like I used to at the mention of Matty being mine.
I don't.
"Nobody has to ‘stand' him, there's no forcing. Sera loves him, and I believe she loves you."
The smallest voice inside of me goes, How? How can she love me?
"You are more than what's happened to you, Hunter. Your mother did not help you through it, and she has been absent these past few years because of what happened to your sister. Your father left when you were little."
I know this, I know all about this. Why's he bringing it up again?
"I know this story, Eddie."
Eddie nods. "Yes, you do. But there's no ending in sight yet, so why are you so ready to give up?"
I grunt, and stare down at my hands, noting the scars on my fingertips.
"I know you don't think you deserve her. I know this absolutely. Fact of the matter is, she might not think she deserves you, either. And yet, she was brave enough to give you a chance, give you her heart. Where's your courage, my boy? Where did it go?"
"I don't have any courage, Eddie. I have no idea what you're talking about."
Eddie frowns. "Of course you do. You were the one that took on the responsibility of becoming a father when boys your age aren't even considering it. And then, I watched your heart break when you discovered Matty had diabetes – just like you. You've hated yourself ever since."
My throat's tight, and my eyes are burning. I'm not going to bawl here, I'm going to tamp it down, I have to tamp it down. If I let loose, there's no telling what will happen.
"And now you've done everything in your power to sabotage what you have with Sera. She loves you both, my boy, and there's nothing better a man can ask for. You know, I haven't seen you smile so much until she came into your life. She's transformed you, Hunter, and for the better. Please don't throw that away, not when I believe I just got you back."
"What the hell are you talking about? I'm here. Jules is the one that's gone. I'm still here."
Eddie tips his head to the side. For a second, I wish so hard that he was my dad. Life would've been a whole lot different if he had been.
"Yes, your sister has passed. But you don't come into the house anymore, like her old room will somehow find you and tear you apart. You haven't been alive for a while. Please, fix this with Sera so we can be a family again."