They want what I have in my hands right now.
She doesn't even know it.
"Sera..." I growl, trying to make her understand. The thing is, it's not hard to say the words, it's not hard to tell someone you care, in theory. But in reality? When shit doesn't go right half the time and when you have a woman like Sera looking up at you like you're amazing when you're anything but?
You have to do what you can to protect yourself.
I can't stop pulling her closer so that her cheek's on my chest. I dip my head so my mouth's connected to her forehead and for some crazy reason, it all feels right.
"Hunt? Are you okay?"
"Yeah, baby." I wish I could be more for her. I wish I was better for her. "I'm fine. My girl thinks I'm amazing. How much more okay can I be?"
Her arms tighten around me for a second.
"I'm sorry that I have to go in now. But call me anytime today, and I can talk. I promise." She leans back to look at me, and I stare back, getting lost in my pity-party.
Maybe I should just let her go, give away my last chance of good that I'm ever going to get.
"Sure, Sera."
She doesn't say anything but wraps me up in a tight hug and stares at me, her lower lip jutting out a little and I have to force myself to not kiss her.
There's a pinch between her eyebrows, and her lips tighten up, losing their pink glow.
"If you don't call me at least two times today so I know you're okay, I'm going to make the Daleks look like fluffy little poodles. You get me, Hunt?"
Oh, fuck, she's being cute again. "I don't know what a Dalek is."
She shows me her teeth. "The Daleks are an alien race that have had every emotion removed from them except hate. They hate all non-Dalek life, and will conquer and destroy all of it. You piss me off today, and things will not go well."
Wow. This has to be one of her shows. I look away, 'cause you know, that shit is funny, but I lose the fight and end up cracking a full smile, and feeling better 'cause she's who she is.
"I'll call you. Christ, how do you get me to laugh when I don't want to?"
"I put a spell on you."
I don't know where that's from, but it doesn't matter. She's got me – through thick and thin.
I open my mouth to tell her how much she's come to mean to me these past few months, how much she means to both me and Matty. But I shut it real quick when I think of us standing outside, on a fucking sidewalk, and she's not even surrounded by roses, or flowers, or chocolates shaped in some nerd-thing she absolutely loves. I settle for letting our mouths touch then I have to let her go.
I have to get the kid to daycare.
Sera's eyes pop wide, and her mouth firms up like she's trying to keep herself from laughing or screaming.
"I'm expecting you after dinner, baby," I whisper against her lips.
She grunts which I'm taking for a yes. I have to kiss her one more time, then I make myself move to get the kid to where he needs to be.
I watch her get smaller in the rear-view mirror then look towards the road to get my head in gear.
Once I get Matty inside his ‘school', as he likes to call it, and wave goodbye for a solid two minutes before he turns to play with his friends, I get into my car and have some thinking to do.
Do I want to pursue a life with Sera? Fuck yes.
Am I going to fuck up? Uh, yeah.
Am I going to make it up to her? With every ounce of energy I have.
I just need to keep my cool, and do nothing else to remind her that she's better off with another guy – with a healthy guy that doesn't have a kid to contend with, who also happens to be sick like me.
Jules, what do I do now?
Of course, my sister doesn't answer, and I have to go it alone, just like it's been for the past ten years.
Weeks and weeks after I vowed to be good to her, I inevitably fucked up.
It was bound to happen. Something was gonna twist my boxers and I was gonna blow up because I'm an asshole and I've been doing this for too long by myself that I didn't even consider how it would make Sera feel.
All she did was buy him a shirt and I lost my shit. Absolutely, certifiably lost it.
I'm a fucking dick.
Now I have to grovel, and I'm okay with that. Sera deserves me walking across glass shards so I can get her forgiveness. I mean, why the fuck did I blow up like that?
Why am I such a tool?
You're human, asshole. Just pray that she forgives you. Pray damn hard.
Just pick up the phone. All you have to do is pick up the phone. Try to convince her that you're worth something to her, that she's going to benefit from having you in her life.
It's the only way this is going to end well.
You're sabotaging yourself, man. What the hell for?
Not everyone is Aly.
Yeah, not everyone sees what she sees.
I pull my head out of my ass, but it's a hard thing to do. I'm stuck in my ways. Not that that's a legit excuse, but rather it's making me feel a whole lot better right now.
What a fucking tool I am.
Just pick up the phone and tell her how sorry you are. Just say the words and hope that you haven't fucked this whole thing in the ass raw.
I have to take a deep breath to call her extension after spending an hour searching the whole damn directory.
"Don't hang up on me, I've been spent all morning trying to find your extension."
Goddamn it, stop being an asshole.
I can't help it. It's my default.
"I don't want to talk to you," Sera says. "Hence the not answering your calls or texts."
"Don't talk to me like I'm stupid, Sera. I had a reason for being pissed last night."
You're not ingratiating yourself, asshole.
I'm defensive. I don't want to talk about this on the phone. I need to see her face-to-face, I need to hold her hand, and I need to make her believe me with more than just my voice. Christ, how did I get in this deep?
"I don't fraking care that you had a reason. You didn't have to shout at me, and I won't let you do it again."
My chest aches and I rub my pecs, trying to get the pain to go away. She sounds unbelievably hurt, and it's all my fault.
If she lets you back into her life after this, you better make sure she never regrets the decision.
I exhale and dive in. "No one's ever taken care of us."
Sera's quiet, but I just keep talking anyway.
"No one's ever gotten us anything as a gift, baby. You're the first. And I was so fucking mad that you did it, like it was charity- Like you felt sorry for us. I thought you noticed the clothes I have to buy Matty since my salary isn't what I've come from. I try my best, you have to believe me. I do the best I can by him, and sometimes it's not enough.
"His jeans and shoes and shirts aren't custom made. I can't afford to spend money on brands and shit because we have to eat, and my car constantly has fucking problems with it, and I-" My voice cracks, like I'm a stupid teenager again. "I started taking it out on you, like you were shoving it in my face, that I wasn't good enough."
Keep going. Don't forget the begging for right after you're done.
"I'm a fucking asshole, Sera. I tried to stay away from you, to keep you away from the hell my life is, what it's become. You need a man who can take care of you, who can afford to let you stay at home with a house full of kids and you can do whatever you want. A man who can buy you all the nerdy shirts the internet has to offer. I'm so tired of my life."
Sera whimpers on the other side of the phone and it feels like my guts are being ripped from my body. I've caused her pain and now I'm in agony. I rub a hand over my hair, and stare straight ahead while guys move around to do work around me.
Fuck that, this is important, and I could use the break.
"I'm such a tool. Are you crying because of me? I'm sorry, Sera, Christ, I'm sorry. I won't call you again."
It's better this way.
Better for everyone.
Except the kid's going to be heartbroken and he'll start crying once I break the truth to him. That's fine, though, 'cause I have a feeling we can both be miserable together.
Misery does love company, the fucker.
Chapter 26
I'm at the kitchen sink, washing the shit off my hands, trying to figure out how to tell Matty that I'm a fuck-up and I ruined the one good thing he has in his life.
I don't want to do it, and it'd be the best thing if I could just forget to mention it until he asks, but I'm tired of being a coward.
That is, until Sera comes barrelling into my place, and I feel like she's got my balls in her hands and I'm begging with my mute mouth for her not to tear them off me.
"I need to talk to you," she orders, pointing at me with enough authority that I'm afraid of what's going to happen next. "In your room. Now."
Once in my bedroom, I'm ordered to sit on my mattress and look up at her.
Her hair's down, and the top button on her blouse is undone, giving me a peek, but I need to fucking focus or else I'm going to ruin this again. Her glasses haven't slipped down her nose yet, and her chin is set in a stubborn line.
I'm in for it.
And I find it so fucking sexy I'm definitely having trouble concentrating. Until I get to her eyes, until I see how much I've hurt her.