Never Been Loved(43)

"Please, Sera! I promise I'll be good, I promise! I won't even think  about cake, or eating bad food, and I won't ask you for any more  quarters when you say a bad word!"

I don't know how this happened. He's looking to Sera for comfort and not me. Is that jealousy, MacLaine, or relief?

I just don't know. I think that makes me an even bigger asshole.

"Hunt? Is it okay?" Sera asks, like she needs permission to come my  place. Hell, I'd give her a key right now if that didn't scream  desperate. But maybe she needs to know, that I'm not going anywhere,  that I want her, more than she wants me. Not in a creepy way. Definitely  not in a creepy way.

The kid, though, the kid has me worried. I crouch down, balancing on the  balls of my feet, looking at them both in the eye, sitting on the bed  as they are.

Genius strikes at the last possible second. "Come on. All three of us  will fit in my bed." Didn't I say that this was gonna happen? Jackpot.

Sera's face is priceless. She wasn't expecting that. It's frustrating,  how she thinks, how she acts. Infuriating at time because I don't know  what goes on in her head, or why she reacts the way she does. Little  things let me know that she was hurt, bad, in the past.

She doesn't believe anything I say sometimes. I just have to make her  believe it. Sera gets up from the bed, helping Matty stand up and  carries him into the hallway.

She stops moving once Matty's light is off and I take the opportunity to  plant my hands at her hips guiding her down the hall and into my room.

She gets a glimpse of The Wall. Coming to her side, I see her mouth's popped open and she even wows it.

I never thought I was particularly talented, I just really enjoyed  drawing, getting the lines on paper, controlling where they had to go,  who they had to be, molding them into what I wanted them to do.

"They're... they're beautiful," she practically whispers, her head moving left, right, up and down to get it all in.

I have another stroke of genius and move to my dresser, open and close  some drawers until I find a shirt that's suitable for her to sleep in.

The "There you are, Sera," from Matty has me closing one of my drawers  harder than needed. She's going to see that picture of her I did from  memory and she might laugh, she might run screaming from me, think I'm a  freak for drawing it.

"Here." I touch her shoulder and as she turns, I hold out a pair of my  old sweats and a shirt that she can sleep in. I half-expect her to bolt.  There's a part of Sera that's afraid of me. I still don't know why, but  that fear is sure shit going to keep me in line tonight, no matter how  much I want to kiss her.

"Trade off," she says, giving me Matty while I hand her the clothes. She  moves to the bathroom to get changed. The thought of her being naked on  the other side of that door has me swallowing hard, and having a  serious mental conversation with Little Me in order to keep everything  in check.

I get both Matty and me into bed, turning down a corner for her, and tell Sera to close the light once she's inside.

She gets into my sheets and it's all I can do not to howl. Pretty sure  she can tell I'm grinning. Matty's pressed up against my front, stuck  between me and Sera. We stare at each other in the darkness and I say  the words in my head that I'm too chicken to say out loud.

You're the amazing one, Sera. You have no idea what you've done for me  and the kid. What it means. You're so bright, there's no one that can  compare.         

     



 

Maybe you should stick to drawing and not try the metaphors so much there, Shakespeare.

"He's finally asleep," I tell her. Now's not the best time for a conversation, but I need her to know, to know what she's done.

"You should be, too. It's been a long night."

I'm not tired. I'm not tired at all. She's here, in my bed, and everything is fucking awesome.

"I'm sorry I'm not sorry that I said those things to Alysha. Is that how it is between you two?"

Damn it. Do we have to talk about this? The kid's unconscious, and  explaining it to Sera is overdue. Just, tell her the truth. If she's who  you think she is, she's not going to judge you on what you did.

"Aly and I have been off and on forever. I was with her when I was a  kid, and she was the first person I told when I learned I had diabetes. I  was seventeen at the time, and thought I was in love. She thought she  could fuck me through it."

A weird as hell sound comes out of Sera, and I'm grinning again in the dark.

"Yeah, baby. Aly's M.O. is all about her and what she can get out of it.  She doesn't deal with my lows or my highs, or with Matty. She doesn't  deal with anything but her need to come."

Maybe I just embarrassed her. Maybe I'm going to get a fist in the face.

"Is that why she came to see you tonight? To get her fix?"

Exactly. "She just needed reminding it was over. That I'm not going to  answer to her beck and call ever again, no matter how much manipulating  she does."

She's probably blushing. C'mon eyes, start working better. "I don't  think you should be telling me this when Matty's asleep between us, and  we're in your bed. I'm sure that's not good parenting."

"I really wish I could kiss you right now." She's holding her breath.  "But you're going to turn me down, again. I can hear it, those wheels  spinning in your head. You don't think I'm good enough. S'all right,  I've got my dreams."

She gets the air she needs. "Thank you for taking me to the hospital,  and thank you for hanging out with me. You didn't have to, but you did.  So, thanks."

"I figure we're on even footing now. One trip to the hospital each." We're equals, damn it. It's my turn to take care of you.

"You know that picture you drew of me? You really see me like that?" her  voice is small and quiet in the dark. I wish I could kiss her right  now. Why doesn't she believe me?

"Baby, I did that from memory  –  it doesn't do you justice. Not when I  have the real thing right next to me, keeping me and Matty warm."

"God, stop talking."

I keep going, needing her to understand me. "It's torture not being able  to touch you, to feel your skin under my hands. To taste your mouth,  the hollow of your shoulder, the dent between your collarbones.

"I want to hear those noises you make when you read when I'm inside you.  I can't wait when those shirts of yours to be on my floor, right before  I take you to my bed. I want you, Sera." Here it comes. If it all blows  up in your face, you did your best.

"Fuck, baby. Do you think you could want me back?"





Chapter 22



Sera didn't answer me, but kept quiet in the dark. Maybe she thought I'd believe she fell asleep.

Maybe I'm pushing too hard. Maybe I need to back off.

Or maybe I need to give her more time.

I settled for having her in my bed, even if not in the way I needed her  to be. But we were all there, sleeping in one bed, like a family.

She slept like a little kid, hands tucked underneath one cheek, lips  pouting out in a kiss that hasn't been given yet. Hell, I think I need  to take a cold shower, calm myself down.

Let her set the pace. Let her do what she wants. She gets to decide.  Maybe she can accept you, maybe she's willing to take a chance on you.  Make sure she never regrets it.

Be patient, man, it's all you can do.

I know what I have to do  –  I need to spend some time alone with her, not  be a dick, and try to show her why she should take a chance on me, why  she should, give her a glimpse of how good we can be together.

I've never wanted anything so bad  –  I'm not sure if that makes me crazy as fuck or just desperate. I'm okay with desperate.

I wake up to Matty plastered to me, and Sera's gone.

"Daddy, how come Sera left? I wanted her to read to me when I was eating  breakfast!" Matty whisper-screams in my ear once he realizes I'm wide  awake right next to him.

"I think she's scared, kid," I say, then shut my eyes because what the  fuck? I shouldn't be talking to him about this. This is adult shit  –  the  kid has enough problems to contend with without me adding more crap on  his shoulders. I rub my face and pretend the darkness can shield me from  his questions.         

     



 

The kid just starts hauling on my fingers and forces me to look at him.

"Is she scared of me or is she scared of you?"

I lean back into my pillow and stare at him. Sometimes the kid gets life  in a way I'll never understand. The young and innocent have a way of  pinpointing life as it is  –  probably because everything for them is  demarcated but what's right and what's wrong.

"I think she's scared of me, buddy." I put my hand on his back, spanning  his entire body, and the kid flops onto me with all his weight,  knocking the air out of me.

"Well, how come? You're not so scary," he says, rubbing his cheek against my chest. "You aren't a monster!"

I grin. "No, no I'm not."

Matty, completely annoyed, sits up and sits back on his heels. He looks completely confused. "I don't understand."