Never Been Loved(32)

I get up from the couch, and walk towards Matty's room. I look back for a  sec before I see the decision's already been made for me. Sera's going  to bolt as soon as I enter the kid's room, and try to calm him down.  It's inevitable at this point.

You're just going to have to fight harder the next time, and make sure you win her over. Can you do that?

Matty's sitting up on his bed when I turn the light on and staring down  at the now-gone shadows like he's taken personal offense. He's tiny in  his single bed, and the covers are wrapped around him like a cloak, the  top part covering his head  –  all you can see is his little-kid face and  those blue eyes that are a MacLaine trait through and through.

"Daddy …  I had a nightmare. A bad one." Like nightmares are good.

I hear the front door close through the hall, and have to stifle the  urge to run out like a madman and drag her back inside. Shit. I knew  this was going to happen. Not many chicks can deal with the fact that  I'm a full-time dad and both of us are not so hot in the health  department. It's a lot to ask of someone, a lot to burden them with.

And I thought Sera looked stronger than most.

Guess I was wrong. Or maybe something else has her spooked  –  mainly me  doing the alpha male crap and trying to get her to do what I want.

This shit's all so complicated. I have to deal with this first.

"Yeah? Want to tell me about it?"

I listen after crawling in next to him, putting the blankets over both  of us, feeling his heart beat way too fast in his chest when he plasters  himself to me. I should get up to turn off the light, and I'm only  half-listening to Matty recount his nightmare when he knees me in the  nuts and the pain keeps me mute.

My guts hollow out, and the pain stabs its way from groin to thighs in twisting arcs until I'm pretty sure

I'm going to hurl all over Matty's bed.

"Matty … " I growl, cupping myself like that's supposed to fucking help.  "You can't kick me there" Don't swear, don't swear. You'll have to move  and that's nowhere near a possibility right now. FUCK! FUCK,

FUCK, FUCK!!!! I struggle to pull in a deep breath and tears have tracked their way down my cheeks.

Heh. If Sera could see you now.

"What? What did I do? Did I hurt your penis?"

Oh God, please no. Not now. I don't want to have this conversation  again. Next he's going to ask about Sera's breasts or her pussy and  …   just no.

"Yeah … " I gasp out, curling into the fetal position. "Watch your knees, okay?"         

     



 

"I'm sorry! I didn't mean to!" Matty's eyes are pleading with me, but I  just can't utter any more words right now. When I think I can straighten  out without causing my poor balls to rub against even the fabric of my  boxers without me wanting to scream in pain, I let out a full breath in  what feels like years.

"Did Sera leave?" Matty asks, voice barely above a whisper. I should go  lock up but my balls are still smarting like they've been doused in acid  and the nerves are slowly waking up again.

I grunt. "Yeah, she did."

"How come?"

Because I'm an idiot, that's why.

I move my shoulders, staring up at his ceiling. That'd be a really great  spot to draw something awesome. It could be a surprise for the little  man, looking up at night and watching whatever I put up there. I wonder  if there's such a thing as glow-in-the-dark paint. Probably.

"She's sleepy after a long day. It was time for her to go home."

"How come she couldn't sleep here?"

"Uh, well, there wouldn't be a place for her to sleep, kid." And she wouldn't be doing much sleeping in your bed, eh, MacLaine?

No, no she wouldn't, not if I had it my way.

"She coulda slept with me! And I wanted her to read to me some more. I like it when Sera reads to me."

Matty thwacks me in the face when he spread-eagles his arms and looks  like he's pretending to fly. He shoves his arms down to bed-level and  stares up at me, smiling, a smile that doesn't belong to Jules, nah,  that's all mine. "I'm sorry, Daddy! I'm going to be very still for the  rest of the night, I promise. Can you sleep with me, please?"

I don't want to sleep with him here. The bed's too small, and I know  every time I want to turn there's a risk of tossing Matty to the ground  so I can make myself fit. "Let's go to my bed. Come and close your light  and I'll be there in five seconds, all right?"

Matty nods hard enough to snap his neck, and jumps up off his bed only  to tumble onto the floor. He doesn't make a sound or clutch at any part  of his body so I guess he's okay. Which is more than you can say for me.

Don't think of Sera, don't think of Sera. Did you see her, though? She  had you ready to shoot your load by nothing more than thumbs on your  wrists! You're a disgrace, surrender your balls.

After leaving a few voicemails, begging Sera to give me another chance, I come out of the bathroom and try to calm down.

I will my dick to surrender, think of maggoty corpses to keep control. I  throw myself on my bed and get Matty to laugh like I'm the funniest  clown he ever saw.

The kid burrows himself under the covers, his pyjamas all twisted around  his legs and arms, and his hair is full of static but he smiles at me  like I'm the coolest person he's ever known and I find myself rubbing  his back until we both fall asleep.



Matty wants a lot of hugs and reassurances when I drop him off at  daycare in the morning. His little hands are like claws in my ratty  t-shirt, and his legs are wrapped around my waist like he never plans on  letting go.

"Daddy, will we see Sera when I come home from school? I want her to read to me again."

I don't know how to answer, or what the right answer is. Well, kid, you  see, I pushed her too far and she's never coming back to see us. She  doesn't need us complicating her life. She sure as shit doesn't want us  now, especially after last night and all those voicemails I left her.

"I don't think that's going happen, buddy," I tell him when I set him down and crouch low so we can be eye to eye.

"Do you think Sera doesn't like reading to me?"

Damn it, I have no idea how to explain this. The kid's going to be  destroyed if he even gets a glimpse of what life with Sera's going to be  like. She'd read to him every night, tuck him in, then tuck me in and  let me do not-so-innocent things to that hot-as-fuck body.

I shake my head and ruffle his hair. "We're getting pizza tonight. Be good today."

And like that, Sera's a memory. Matty jumps on his toes, and his hair  goes all over the place. "Pizza! We're having pizza tonight!" The kid  then grabs my hand and gives me a high-five.

I grin at him, then wave goodbye.

On the drive over to the site, I look at my phone no less than thirty  times, making sure the stupid thing is not on silent and all my  notifications are on and armed. They are, Sera just hasn't called me  back, or texted, or left me some kind of message. I'm pretty sure I even  left her a message wondering if she'd been kidnapped from walking from  my place to hers. Well, it could happen.         

     



 

This girl's got me so twisted up inside, it's impossible to filter  what's coming out of my mouth  –  I'm just a circus show of want and need,  and a desperate hope that she can see beyond the insulin and needles,  and me being a single dad.

Yeah, like that's ever going to happen.

My sugar only drops once today on site, and after a quick fix with an  apple juice box, and a homemade sandwich piled high with cold cuts, I'm  good to go and pick up Matty without walking in half-dead like I'm used  to doing.

The kid even waves some of his friends over and they all seem to admire  how tall I am, and one little girl gives me a heart attack when she pats  my bare tattooed arms. Maybe I should speak to her dad. And say the  hell what? Then Matty turns my hand over and shows them my scarred  fingertips, pockmarked with little holes that are very much like his own  and I want to throw up.

"I told you they were just like mine, Candace," he tells the little girl  who has taken way too much interest in my tats. But I think Matty has a  crush on her, if he's even old enough to have a crush. "See? My daddy's  just like me," Matty tells her, and I really want to get out of here.

I want to tell the kid that she's not going to understand, that she's not old enough to get it.

"Okay, Matty. I'll see you tomorrow! Bye!" And then she plasters herself  to him and they hug each other tight. He waves at her when he grabs my  hand and we make our way to my car.

I strap him into his car seat and he smiles at me, laughing because I might have tickled him while strapping him down.

"Are you tired today, Daddy?" he asks when I get myself in the driver's  seat and crank the car over. At least he's not asking about Sera.

"Not so much today."

"That's good. I didn't get tired today, either. I really want pizza, you didn't forget, right?"

I shake my head then realize he can't see me. Idiot. "No, I didn't. I'm  going to order it when we get home. Do you want cheese, or do you want  all-dressed?" All-dressed to him means vegetables and he gives the  expected answer. No way.