Never Been Loved(31)

"I can leave, you know. I do have a TV at my place."

And there she is, putting me back in my place. "Shit. Gimme a sec."

I rush back into my room, feeling her stare on me. Once inside, I  scramble for a shirt. Matty's thrown up on it a hundred times through  all the time I've had him; I've used this shirt to work out in; I've  used it to wipe blood off my fingers after I'm done checking my sugar.  It's worn out, just like me.

"Thanks for reading to Matty," I say, after situating myself in the far  corner of the couch. Sera's sitting on the other side, holding her knees  loosely to her chest. The glow of the TV screen lends a sort of mystery  to her face, a certain anonymity. I find myself leaning forward, feet  going to her legs, seeking a bit of contact in the darkness of my  apartment.

"What the hell?!" She actually swats at my toes, and I can't help grinning.

"Why are you so far away?"

"Because. I want to be. I enjoy my personal space. Shut up, I'm missing  the funniest part." And just like that I've been dismissed, and the  movie becomes her entire world. I've seen it happen before, it just  doesn't mean I'm going to take it.

I get up on my knees and crawl over to her side of the couch, watching  her pulse jump in her throat, even with the poor lighting.

"What are you doing?"

There's something there, in the way she's said those words. More than  trepidation, more than nervousness. Fuck, I'm nervous, too, but I know  what I'm doing  –  at least I think I do. With Sera, the world has gone  and turned upside down and gravity doesn't reign supreme anymore.

"I want you closer," I tell her, putting us hip-to-hip, and winding an  arm around her shoulder. I look down at her and try to gauge her  reaction. Oh yeah, she's scared, and I'm about to pull my arm back when  she lets out a heavy breath of air, and maybe without meaning to, she  snuggles deeper into my side, lending me her body heat.

And I know once and for all, I'm fucking fucked.

When she drops her chin on her knees and keeps looking at the TV without  even telling me to fuck off, or anything, I turn to the movie, too, not  paying attention at all. When the kids get free of the Fratellis and  everything's about to cave in and Brand, that smooth asshole, kisses  Andy, do I look back down at her, wondering if this is all it's going to  take.         

     



 

Watching movies with Sera is always an experience, one I'm volunteering  over and over again in the near future. But now she's asleep, her eyes  moving behind her lids again, a little noise escaping her mouth that  sounds like a growl.

"Sera...? Wake up for me, baby." Her eyes flash open with the barest  nudge. "Hi," I whisper in the dark of my apartment, looking down at her.  Something claws open my chest, tearing at whatever shit I have going on  inside me and presenting whatever I have left to Sera.

"Hi," she whispers, and drops her knees from her chest. "The movie's done?"

"Almost." Liar. I can't help myself. I just want her to stay longer with  me, even if I have to put in a DVD. My hand comes up without me really  giving the order, and I gently move some hair away from her face,  fingertips swiping the softness of her cheek.

"Can I have a minute? Just give me a minute," she says, placing her forehead on her arms, effectively hiding away from me.

I have no clue what to do now. I don't want to move away, I really like  where I am, pressed up against her. I decide on trying to massage the  tension out of the back of her neck, only for her to tell me to stop.

Fucking shit, I'm a man. She can tell me if she doesn't want me. She can  open her mouth and tell me to fuck off, and that she never wants to see  me again. Why is she letting me hope?

"Aren't you enjoying it? Fuck, what is it going to take with you?" Crash and burn, MacLaine. Crash and burn.

"I'm not a piece of ass you use your A-game to fuck. I don't do that  –   casual sex. Scratch your fucking itch elsewhere. No one's stopping you,"  she growls, pinning me with a stare.

Goddamn it, I just want her to want me.

"Prove it. I want you, Sera. But I'm not going to fuck you with Matty in the next room. I'm not going to fuck you, period."

I place both of my hands on her cheeks, holding her face close. Sera's  eyes have gotten bigger, the look in them telling me she can't believe  this is happening. Christ, who did this to her? I'll kill him.

"I want you, Sera, and I'm going to prove it to you. Just like you need  to prove it to me. Tell me you don't want me and you can walk out of  here without taking a chance on us."

She pulls in air like she's going to go deep-sea diving without the tank. "I don't want you."

"Say it again," I say. I stare at her mouth, the way she licks her lips  slow and easy. She knows what she's doing to me, and she keeps her head  in the cradle of my hands. "Say it again, Sera."

"I... I don't want you like that. I want you as a friend." Friend-zoned  is better than no-zoned. Maybe you should take what you get, MacLaine.

All or nothing.

"Baby, I'm attracted to you. Friendship isn't going to work. Now, say it  again." I sweep my thumbs along her cheekbones, riveted by the look in  her eyes. Her eyes flutter closed for just a second, and her lips part.  Sera's leaned forward in my arms, bringing us even closer.

My blood pounds in my veins, and my head's swimming with the excellent  probability I have of kissing that delectable mouth. Of tasting her, of  letting her taste me. Of wanting her in my bed, of making her say my  name in breathy moans.

She shakes her head as if trying to wake from a dream and tries to move  away from me. I'm not the one stopping her. She's latched onto my  wrists, hypnotically making circles on my skin like she likes exactly  where she is.

"Sera, look down at your hands." I let her get a good look at what she's  doing to me. I'm hard as diamond, but it's a backburner kind of pain,  the twitching and throbbing of my dick. I need to prove a point here,  and jumping the gun isn't going to get me any points. "Say it again for  me. Tell me you don't want me."

"I... I don't want you." Almost there, but almost never got anyone a kiss.

"Say it again."

"I...don't...want. You." Sera hesitates after every word, leaning closer  and closer, bringing our mouths closer together. Fuck, I'm dizzy with  wanting my mouth on her, and hers on mine.

"One more time, say it again, and I won't put my mouth on you. I won't  taste that mouth of yours and all the nerdy things that come out of it. I  won't tangle my tongue with yours, stroke it, lick it and suck it like I  want to. Say it again, Sera. Do it for me, baby."

She stares at my face a long time, her eyes going from my lips, to my  eyes, just to drop to my mouth again. She licks her lips again, wetting  her mouth for me. I'm going to explode. Just when I think she hasn't  heard a word I've been saying, she says, "I-I... I don't want you?"         

     



 

Her eyes get big when she hears how wrong she is, but they don't pull  away from my mouth. Heat explodes along my skin, and in some detached  portion of my brain, I wonder how I'm not burning her.

I stop thinking, my mind's been emptied, and for one second, it feels  like freedom. There are no worries here, no wondering what's going on  with my body. There's just her mouth and mine and how much I want this.

"Good answer, baby. Now, bring that sweet mouth closer, and let me kiss you."





Chapter 15



I go for it.

Her beautiful face is cradled between my hands, and she doesn't seem to  mind the scars on my fingers. Her eyes are wide and unsure, and then,  thank God, she dips her gaze down to my mouth and triumph torchlights my  chest and I want to howl.

Sera's hands are gripped tight around my wrists, her thumbs doing those  circles, her fucking thumbs making my dick pound hard enough, demanding  attention.

I have to be careful here.

I watch her pull me in, as I slowly make the descent to her mouth. She  smells like frosting and chocolate, and her eyes are the most gorgeous  colour I've ever seen, her eyelashes are catching my attention the way  they swoop down to hide them from my view the second our lips are about  to come together.

"Daddy!" Matty's yell echoes down the hall. "Dad?!" No! This isn't over yet.

But it is. She jerks her head out of my hands, cheeks flushed, eyes dark  with wanting me, but her hands stay wrapped around my wrists as I drop  my hands to thigh level. Sera's shutting down, blocking me out  –  again,  just when I was so close.

"G-Go..." she murmurs and the movement of her mouth has me flipping off  any kind of logic I have left and about to haul to me and kiss her hard  and deep so she'll know I'm more than what she's seen.

But I promised Matty. I promised him I'd be better, and I'm not going to  turn out like my old man did, leaving us all behind. Goddamn it, she's  never going to be your first priority. What can you give her that she  can't find a better version of with someone else? Face it, man, you're  no one's wet dream.