If I needed any confirmation that I’m a coward, well, this is it. I haven’t knocked on her door. I’ve had to check myself when I hear her unlock her door, and instead of running over and falling to my knees and begging for her forgiveness, I stand stock-still and remind myself that I’m doing this for her.
I’ve kept it secret long enough.
It’s been too long since I’ve told anyone, and Sera deserves to know.
I know what it looked like, trust me. If you’d done the same thing to me, I’d be climbing the fucking walls. I deserve this, whatever punishment you’re going to give me, I do. I should never have started anything with you, Sera. It was selfish and an asshole thing to do.
I was being an asshole those first few times we were together – I wanted you to stay away. I knew what you were, I knew what you could be to me with one look at your shirts, and the smile, and the book in your hand and how you were oblivious to everything else in the world, even me.
The only words I can offer you are I’m sorry. Two words, seven letters. Nothing special, right? But just know that I really mean them, more than I’ve meant anything in my entire life.
I wish we could have had more time. I could’ve explained everything to you, and not played you from the beginning. I’m not Matty’s biological father. He was my sister’s, and her name was Jules. She died three years ago when Matty was one. She died when she was twenty-five, the same age as you are now.
Seems like a sick twist of fate, right? I don’t think I ever told you how much I believe in that shit. Something out there put you in my path, showed me what a good woman could do for a fucked up guy like me. How she could make him want to be better for her, for his nephew who calls him Dad.
I just want you to know the truth.
Aly and I were done the day after you took me to the hospital. She tried talking with my Mom about our situation. Our parents knew each other when they were growing up, and me and her, we’ve been groomed for an imminent marriage with all the finesse of a business transaction. No matter how many women I had in between, or how many guys she’s fucked instead of me. And she’s freaking out, especially now that her parents are broke and her blow money’s running out.
Yeah, she does drugs. I used to, too. She was the one who gave me my first hit when I found out about my diabetes, when I was eighteen. I felt like she was the only person I could turn to, and I loved her, or thought I did. All my friends looked at me differently, and the pity in their eyes, I wanted to rip them out of their sockets. Funny thing about pity is, it’s still there, whether you see it or not. You feel it on your skin, and it gets stuck in your head.
So Aly and I have history. Like I told you, baby, I’m nothing but a cock and an impending orgasm for her. You, you make me feel like I could be so much more. My sugar was spiking when we fought. I ran hard for an hour at the gym, trying to get it down as much as I could. It dropped, and I was out of it until I could get my head in gear to get to the hospital.
Mostly I was ashamed. That I let you take my kid to the hospital without me. That you were right about everything, that I’m not a good dad. So I called Aly in a moment of stupidity.
Didn’t even take a little convincing to drive me over, while her hand tried to get into my jeans, and down my boxers. I’m sorry, but you have to believe I nearly broke her hand when she did that. You have to know that. I only want you. Only you, Sera. Nerdy shirts and all. Reading my boy Harry Potter every night, and smiling at me from my bed every morning, even kicking me out, ’cause you’re body temperature goes out of whack when I’m close by.
I’m sorry, baby. I’m so sorry I hurt you, that I drove you away. I can’t ask for your forgiveness because I don’t deserve it. I’ve done bad things, least of all with Matty. You’re lucky to be free of me.
Just know that these past few months with you have been the best in my life. I don’t remember laughing this much, or smiling this much in a long time. I know Jules would have loved you.
Thank you. For everything. For making me see what I needed to see with Matty. Again, it doesn’t feel like enough, but it’s all I can say – thank you and I’m sorry I hurt you.
All there is to do now is wait, and pray for a miracle.
Chapter 30
My goddamn palms are sweaty. I keep rubbing them on my pants, and I’m breathing fast like I do after my four sets of bench press.
What’s the worst that could happen, right?
I lose the one chance at being happy. Because I sure as fuck don’t think there’s another woman out there with half the awesome that’s all of Sera.