Never Been Kissed(19)

“I’m sorry, Matty.” I’ve given my mom injections before and it never bothered me. I don’t know if I can give it to a kid. This should be easy. Then why am I staring at the syringe filled with two units of insulin like its kryptonite?

I fill the syringe with two units. I don’t know this kid. I don’t know how quick or slow his body is going to react to the insulin. I don’t know what’s going to happen. Heart in my throat, I pinch some skin on his upper arm and stick it in there, gently as I can.

I feel like I’ve shot a fuzzy white bunny by accident when Matty winces. I sob escapes me. I can’t see in front of me. Tears leak out, running down my cheeks. I push the plunger down. I count to ten to make sure no insulin leaks out. I pull out the syringe. I cap it and wrap it in a plastic bag to throw out later.

“I’m so so sorry, Matty.” I hug his little body, propped up on my counter. I put my hands under his arms, wrap my arms around his ribcage. This is real life. Pain, and suffering, and shit that isn’t fair. I put him on his feet, lean against the counter and ignore my friends. I’m too raw, too open to deal with anything right now.

Alienation is sometimes the kindest thing anyone can do for you.

Matty scampers off to sit between Josh and Tommy. Figures.

A knock echoes about my apartment, and we all glance to the door, like a clan of lemmings, or whatever Timon is from the Lion King. We’re all here. I move to the peephole and my stomach drops out. I swallow fast, since my mouth’s got a wad of spit in it, like I’m about to throw up. I sniffle loudly, enough that if Hunter had Extendable Ears, he’d be deaf right now.

I open the door, keeping my eyes locked on Hunter’s feet. Of course he wears some black leather boots. All in all, badass.

“I thought you were supposed to stay the night.” My voice is hoarse and wobbly - I might just start bawling again.

“I got discharged,” his voice sounds like he’s swallowed gravel. “Where’s Matty?”

I wave him in, still not looking at him, using my hair as a curtain. Matty runs up to Hunter, giving him a leg-hug. He does the chin-on-the-leg thing to Hunter, smiling up at his Dad like nothing bad happened today.

“Daddy, all these boys here, they’re not Sera’s boyfriends. They’re her friends,” Matty stresses the last bit. Eli is mid-slurp in his wine and starts choking. Josh, Alex and Tommy laugh, then return to squabbling at how to get my dishes in right in the dishwasher. Katie keeps quiet as she moves behind my kitchen counter, throwing out any remains of food in the garbage.

I watch Hunter and Matty together. The big guy looking down at his son, and my heart squeezes with a sweet pain that makes me want to believe that I can have this, one day. Hunter’s hair is shining gold, but his skin looks Casper-pale. “That’s good, kid. Ready to go home?”

I shake my hair back with a wiggle of my head, trying to be discrete about the tracks of tears on my face. Hunter’s staring around my apartment, taking in the walls, the zebra carpet. He gets to the kitchen counter and moves to get Matty’s Tony-pack.

He really is beautiful. Even though his shoulders have slumped forward, and his head doesn’t sit straight on his neck anymore, and the way he shivers like he needs a blanket, he’s still beautiful to me. Still unattainable.

“But I don’t wanna go home! I like it here! Look at all her movies! We don’t have this many movies at hoooooomeeeeee,” Matty whines, the sound grating on my ears.

Hunter might be looking at me. I’ve gone back to staring at his size fourteens. They really are kickass boots.

“Buddy, I’ve had a really long day. I just want to go home and sleep. Now let’s go.” Hunter says it like he knows he’s not going to win. Matty gives him a tantrum, and I want to scream at him to stop, to calm down because his Dad is clearly hanging by a thread.

“But I wanna stay heeeeeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!” Matty beats Hunter’s legs. I cringe. And Hunter just takes it, just stands there and takes it like he’s a human punching bag and that’s all he’ll ever be.

“Hunter, let’s go to the hall a sec. Matty, wait with Katie,” I order, keeping my face down, and opening the door and wait for Hunter to step out. The way he lurches out into the hall and almost-collapses against the opposite wall, leaning all his weight on it is answer enough.

I clear my throat, rub my face as quickly as possible. “You’re exhausted. I think you left against medical advice, but that’s your deal. I just wanted to let you know that I can keep Matty the night. You can sleep without having to worry about him.”