“Maybe he played us all, but I thought he was really into you, Super S. He was straight up about it, which as we all know, deserves points. And if he just thought you were another piece and you didn’t give it up that first night, he would’ve moved on.”
“You’re making sense, but what if he gets off on the chase, on the capitulation?”
Katie frowns at me. “You’re just finding questions to torment yourself with now. Stop it. You really need to stop this. Aren’t you tired of it all? Making yourself the victim in every goddamn situation?” She puts her hands through her long hair, giving it a tug by each side of her ears.
I take a step back, and feel like I’ve been stabbed. “What did you just say to me?”
Katie stays on the couch, and takes a deep breath. “I’m telling you the truth. Why are you sabotaging your own happiness? Why are you letting all those fuckers you have for a family win? WHY?” She yells, getting up from the couch so fast, I backpedal into the kitchen counter, hitting my spine in a horizontal slice of pain.
“You think I want to feel this fucking way? You think I like feeling like this?” I snarl at her, ignoring the way she’s holding my biceps and trying to keep me in place. I might just punch her in the face, damn my hand and if it breaks again. I don’t care.
Katie’s three inches from my face, close enough that I can smell chocolate on her breath. “YES! That way you use it as a fucking excuse for everything that doesn’t go your way! Shitty job, well, it’s ‘cause your asshole parents told you you were worthless without a dependable degree. Never been kissed, your shitty brother and uncle called you fat and ugly all your life, and you decide to believe it. Every time something good or bad happens to you, you corrupt it with what you think of yourself. I’m tired of telling you what you’re worth and having you shove it back in my face.” Her chocolate eyes are dry, and there’s no pain there, only anger.“When are you going to believe that you deserve something good in your life?”
I can’t speak. The connection between my brain and mouth is temporarily out of service.
She sighs, and looks down at her hands that are still on my biceps.
“I bet you didn’t believe a single word he told you. I bet you thought he was lying, that he was making it up. The whole time that he was making up how much he wants you.”
I don’t answer and that’s answer enough.
“Where’s your phone?” she asks and drops her arms from me abruptly. I let her rummage around my place for the charger and the phone. “God, you have a hundred messages. Almost a hundred. That’s dedication. I’m gonna sit here until you read every single one. Sit your ass down.”
I shake my head, heart being squeezed by an invisible fist in my chest. I can’t do this, I can’t. I just came to terms with being alone again, and now she wants me to put salt in the wound?
“You read them. I don’t care anymore. That ship has sailed.”
Katie’s face screws up, like some wiring got crossed and screwed up a perfectly good facial expression. “You can’t just be over someone in a week! You’re not a cyborg!”
“I could be. I just never told you.”
“Shut up... Just shut up. Oh, God,” she breathes, scrolling through text after text. “He wrote a novel. A novel! Would you just read it?”
I shake my head.
“Just read it. Nothing’s gonna change if you read it. You’re still ‘broken up’.” She does air quotes. I hate it when she does air quotes. She hands me my phone, hard enough that it smacks against the skin of my hand.
“I’ll read it after, alright?” She knows I’m lying, but pretends like she got through to me. We settle back on the couch and stare at the TV without talking. I let her have control of the remote, as she goes through channel and channel so fast, I can’t even see what I’m missing.
“You’ve lost too much weight. I don’t think he’d want you now, anyway,” she says.
Searching for that numbness again, I say, “I know what you’re doing, and it’s not going to work.”
Katie looks at me, but I keep looking at the TV. Finally, out of the corner of my eye, I see her turn her head back to the screen.
“Are you happier now that you’re skinny? Was that the magic spell you needed to be happier, Sera? And now you’re wondering why nothing’s changed. Why can’t you just get that weight, age, whatever... it’s just a number.”
I don’t want to hear this anymore. Not when I think she’s right, and I think I’ve been in the wrong. And I’ve made myself completely miserable; I’ve wasted so much time being utterly miserable with my life.