“I’m looking at you right now, and I can honestly tell you I like what I see. I like that you’re not like other girls. I like you the way you are, with little make up and your hair down. You’re so natural and beautiful. You are gorgeous. I don’t understand how you can’t see that. I want you by my side, every day, every minute, and every second. I only want you.”
My eyes start tearing up. “I can’t be with you.” I move away from him. I need room to breathe.
“Why not?” he asks, hurt in his voice.
“Damn it, Jake…” I exclaim loudly, and stand up. I take a few steps toward the dining room, then stop and turn back, hand on my forehead. “I like you, I really do. I haven’t felt this way in more than two years…” I shake my head helplessly. “I’m afraid of motorcycles, Jake. I’m terrified of what you do professionally, every day. And I’m not the kind of girl for one night stands.” Jake jumps up from the couch, and closes the distance between us. He bends a little so he’s looking me in the eyes.
“Ella, who was saying anything about one night stands? I want you today, tomorrow and for all eternity.” I swallow loudly. “Why are you so conflicted about this? Who hurt you? What happened two years ago? You can trust me, you know.” I turn away, taking a deep breath, hand over my eyes, while I shake my head. “I’m not going to hurt you,” he says in a pleading voice.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about...”
“Yes, I know what I’m talking about! Damn it…” he sighs, raising his arms in desperation. “Fuck, Ella. I can’t stop thinking about you. You’re not only in my thoughts during the day, I dream about you at night. I will not leave you.”
I snort loudly at his last words. “He said the same thing.”
“Who?” Jake gives me a questioning look. “Please, just tell me what’s going on in your head.”
“Josh,” I breathe.
“Who is he? What the hell did he do to you to hurt you so deeply?”
“He died.” I collapse onto the sofa and let my tears fall freely. Jake joins me on the sofa, silent, but I suddenly get up and head toward the entrance door. “I can’t do this,” I say out loud and search for my coat. His strong hand on my shoulder stops me. He spins me around and wraps me in a tight hug.
“I’m sorry,” he whispers, “I should have known better than to upset you again like that. Please, don’t leave.” I slowly nod, because I already feel better in his soothing embrace. He leads me to the living room, and brings me a glass of water. I take a few sips, and put the glass on the coffee table. Jake gently pulls me into his lap, so my head is resting on his knee, and strokes my hair. I feel ridiculous for acting so crazy earlier; he must think I’m insane. I dare not to look him in his eyes so I’m staring into nothing.
“Josh was my boyfriend,” I start, but Jake cuts me off.
“You don’t need to tell me anything.” Nodding, I raise my hand to his face to stop him.
“I know. I think it’s time to explain why I’ve been acting so weird.” I take a deep breath and press my body further into his. “I loved him with all my heart. I still do. I don’t think I’ll ever stop loving him. We were together for four years when he lost his life in an accident. My world crumbled to pieces that day. I never thought I would be able to live without him in my life. He was my life, and he loved me with all his heart. He showed me that every day. But unfortunately, he was also in love with motorcycles. He owned one before we met. We actually met at a car fair where he was selling it, and he never bought a new one, because he knew I didn’t like motorcycles. But he loved watching motorcycle races, you were his favorite racer,” I smile as I think back to the day I laid next to Josh, listening to him cheer for Jake. I look up to see Jake’s reaction, but his face is void of emotions, and he doesn’t stop stroking my hair. He encourages me to continue with a nod. “He’d like you. I’m sure of that.” Jake smiles, and presses a kiss to my forehead. “He bugged me for months to let him buy a new bike, but I was so against it. Until I gave in.” Snorting, I shake my head. “If I had just stayed strong and kept telling him no, nothing would have happened to him.” A tear slides down my cheek, and I shut my eyes because I’m afraid more would follow. I don’t want to cry in front of him. I feel him wipe away the tear with his thumb, and I open my eyes. His hand is still on my cheek.
“Go on,” he says softly.