“Over time, I became her support,” he continued. “Whenever she had a broken heart or needed a shoulder to cry on, I was there. Her mom died of breast cancer not too long after my dad died. And then when her dad’s Alzheimer’s got worse, I … my family, I mean, became her support system again. By then, I had moved back home. While her family was falling apart, I think she saw me as her connection to her past, a way to hold on to whatever memories of her brother that she could.” Ryan paused and hung his head. “To be honest, selfishly, she was also my connection to Daniel, and out of my own guilt, I felt this responsibility to take care of her. I failed my best friend, but maybe I could be there for his sister, you know …”
“Wow. She’s had so much loss already in her life. She’s so lucky she had you and your family to help her through it.” As I tried to process their history, I knew that they would always somehow be involved in each other’s lives; they needed to be. I couldn’t imagine me being the reason for him never having contact with her again. As much as I disliked the entire situation, I didn’t think it was fair to cut her out completely—she was too much a part of Ryan’s life, and his family’s life. She was too deeply ingrained. I wasn’t sure how I felt about anything yet, but if I wanted Ryan in my life, I knew Catherine was a reality I needed to process and be okay with.
Ryan didn’t notice my unease. He was still looking out into the distance towards the water in contemplation. “When I started working at MS, she was there as well, obviously. Our lives were too busy to meet people, so it was really easy for us to get involved again. I felt like I owed her some sort of relationship, whether it be brother, boyfriend, or husband. I’m not sure if Catherine really ever loved me or if she saw me as some sort of idealistic substitute for everyone she had lost in her life. I do know that we were together for all the wrong reasons.”
“She must really hate me,” I said with dismay. My face contorted in guilt. Now that I understood better what Ryan meant to Catherine, I couldn’t help feeling terribly guilty. Would Catherine ever forgive me for taking Ryan from her? She’d already lost so much in her life and I had no idea until now how deeply she depended on Ryan. I felt an ache in my heart for the loss of seemingly every member of her family, and now of Ryan.
“You shouldn’t feel that way. You did nothing wrong.” He frowned, concerned that I was taking his message the wrong way. “This is really hard on Catherine, but it’s not because of you. It’s because of me. I should never have let my own guilt go so far. I thought I was doing the right thing, but I wasn’t, and I did a great disservice to both Catherine and myself. I somehow always knew and felt it, but it wasn’t until I met you that I realized it.”
I sighed, wondering if Catherine felt the same way. Judging from our conversation in her office, I think, deep down, she did.
Ryan turned to me again and gazed into my eyes. “I know this is way more detail than you probably wanted, but I want you to understand why I asked Catherine to marry me.”
Hearing those words felt like an arrow had pierced through my heart. I knew this was his past and his story, but hearing him say that he had asked someone else to marry him pained me nonetheless.
He took a deep breath. “Dating for so long and not getting married, well it was really becoming an issue with her, our family, and everyone we knew. Her clock was ticking,” he said with a smirk.
I knew what that felt like. Why don’t men have clocks? It just makes women sound a little crazy …
“I started wondering if something was wrong with me,” he continued. “I mean, what do two people do after they date for that long? They get married, right? So why didn’t I feel the urge to settle down like every other normal person my age? I started feeling really guilty about my hangups. I felt like I owed it to Catherine; I took her brother away from her and maybe committing to being with her could be my way of making it up to her.” He scrubbed his hands over his face and sighed. “So that’s why I did it. I know it wasn’t very noble, but I hope you understand my motives now.”
I nodded. “It all makes sense now. Oddly, it makes me feel relieved,” I said quietly. “It’s different to ask someone to marry you because you love her and then break it off. In your case, it sounds like it was more out of a deeply-rooted sense of responsibility.” I paused, debating whether or not to ask my next question. But I knew I needed to know the answer. “Did you love her?” I whispered.