I remembered him telling me that I turned his world upside down. He didn’t say that he wanted to be with me or that he would give up Catherine to do so. Thus, my only conclusion was that I was just a diversion. He must have cold feet. Anyone who waited seven years to marry someone was suffering from a long term case of it. He once called her “part of the scenery.” You can’t marry the scenery. It would be a tragedy for someone as wonderful and brilliant as Ryan to settle and merely enjoy the view.
It didn’t feel like he was treating me like a diversion, though. All the time we spent together felt sincere and his feelings seemed so genuine. Was he really that good and I was a fool, or could he have really been falling in love with me? He sounded so upset and regretful this morning when he called to cancel. Maybe he was telling the truth. I really wanted to believe him. From the moment I met him, it felt different than any other relationship I had ever been in. I was happier somehow with him than I could remember being with anyone. When the two of us were together, it felt like the rest of the world didn’t exist. The connection between us wasn’t imagined. Or maybe in the aftermath of Andrew, I wanted to feel love again so badly that perhaps I imagined his feelings for me. It all happened so quickly. That must’ve been the reason.
He grew up with Catherine and I couldn’t help wondering how long they’d known each other—since childhood? Middle school? Perhaps they were high school sweethearts. I wished I knew more about their history, and at the same time, I didn’t want to think about him being with her. Had I agreed to discuss things with him, maybe I would’ve learned more about it.
I couldn’t help thinking about Jake at this moment. Maybe Ryan was another Jake. Catherine was his comfort, his longtime companion, and he had chosen to marry her despite the lack of passion. Maybe that’s what you do after being with someone for so long; you eventually marry because that’s what everyone expects. You give up on the fireworks and the butterflies in your stomach. You wimp out.
Would Ryan choose to take a leap of faith and go the less certain route? I’d like to think that I could offer him love and companionship, and if our kisses were any indication, there was definitely no shortage of physical chemistry.
Then it hit me. Andrew chose the latter of these two options. It never occurred to me before, but Andrew left the security of our very comfortable relationship. I was always the safe bet. Andrew did what I was hoping Ryan would have the courage to do. When Andrew broke up with me, it really wasn’t about me. It was about going after the love of his life. He had found the one, and it wasn’t me. He wanted his stars and butterflies and he took the leap.
I couldn’t be angry with Andrew anymore for the choices he had made. I couldn’t blame him since I encouraged Ryan to do the same thing. Being unfaithful to me was wrong, but I wouldn’t be so quick to judge anymore. If Ryan hadn’t done what he had done, would he even be contemplating this choice? Probably not.
Regardless of his decision, I had another dilemma I needed to process. I was screwed at work. I had become the byproduct of an office affair, only my situation was worse. The woman being cheated on was not a stay at home mom or a wife whom I would never see or meet; she was my direct manager. Just my luck. Could it honestly get any worse?
How will I be able to show my face at work again? Maybe I should call in sick. But since I’m already taking Thursday and Friday off for Anna’s wedding, and having just started this job, I can’t take a whole week off work.
Since I wasn’t in Ryan’s direct chain of command, I didn’t think MS had the right to fire me for this. At the same time, I dreaded what would certainly be a discussion with HR. They may reprimand me or maybe put it in my file. Regardless, I’ll have to leave the team, because I couldn’t imagine Catherine leaving her job for this. She was the established legacy on the team, not me.
How would this be explained to my teammates? Oh, the thought of this getting out was beyond mortifying. Crap, Stephanie Wheeler will soon know about this. I can just see her now, looking down and possibly even lecturing Ryan for getting involved in such a mess. I was such a freakin’ idiot.
I could just quit, I guess. But I didn’t want to give him or anyone else the satisfaction. Plus, that’s the last thing I wanted to have happen. I have, or had, a really good career here and it paid well. I was considered a senior at level 62 and for someone who was only twenty-nine years old, I was doing quite well for MS standards.
There was no good ending to this. I was angry with Ryan for even putting me in this situation. As the more powerful and older influence, he should’ve made better decisions both with my career … and my heart. If I was completely honest with myself, despite his error in judgment and his dishonesty, I was still crazy about him. I had been falling in love with him and I couldn’t just shut it off. If he said he wanted to be with me right now, I would say yes in a heartbeat. For once, I would put all my pride and judgment aside, no doubt about it.