“Julia–I don’t want to lose you,” Ryan begged desperately, his eyes wide and frightened. “Give me some time to work this through with Catherine. Please.” He implored me with his eyes.
Was he saying that he wanted some time to be able to choose between us? Or did he already choose? Was I willing to give him that time to be sure? What he did was so wrong; lying to me, lying to Catherine. Did I really want to throw this all away? I was too emotional right now to think through everything rationally. I needed some distance. I wasn’t sure how I felt about his dishonesty and whether or not I could work through that. I couldn’t figure that out right now. What I did know was that I had never experienced such a deep and soulful connection with another man as I had experienced with Ryan. I was falling in love with him, if I wasn’t already. And because of that, for once, I decided to go against my better judgment and not become the passive player I had been in the past. I wanted to settle things under my terms.
I stood up tall, grabbing both of his large, solid hands in mine and looking passionately into his pained and desperate blue eyes. “Figure it out, Ryan,” I said with conviction. “If you want to be with me, then be with me. Choose me. If you still have things to figure out with Catherine, then leave me the hell alone. I refuse to wait in the wings while you work things through with … with your fiancé,” I continued bitterly. “I have way too much pride for that. Don’t talk to me again until you’ve decided wholeheartedly that you want to be with me.”
Ryan looked stricken and torn. Before he could say anything more, Catherine reached us. I glanced at her, but couldn’t bear the thought of facing her right now, especially when I’d obviously been crying, so I reached for my car door handle and this time Ryan didn’t block my way.
Before I shut my door, I heard Catherine cautiously ask, “What’s going on, Ryan?”
As I drove off, I looked in my rearview mirror and saw Ryan and Catherine staring at one another, both unmoving and uncertain of what was next.
I didn’t want to speak to anyone. I texted Anna and told her that I wasn’t feeling well. She bought my story that I was still too hungover and I was sorry to have to cancel brunch at the last minute.
I didn’t head home right away, but decided instead to go for a walk along the Elliott Bay waterfront. The clouds above resembled my mood, heavy with impending rain. I could smell the scent of ozone in the air just before I got drenched in the downpour. I didn’t care.
The trail started just below the Magnolia Bridge, following along the waterfront, and ending at Sculpture Park. If you kept going, you would eventually run into the touristy downtown Seattle waterfront. I liked running here because the little waves hit the rocks piled up along the beach, and there was something soothing and calming about the never-ending subtle sound of the ocean. It was rhythmic and constant, reliable and dependable. It was unlike the drama that had just unfolded in my life.
I’d always been so quick to end things. I could never bear the humiliation of trying to be with someone who didn’t want to be with me. Anna and my mom always said I had too much pride and that’s why I never gave some men second chances. They said I always threw in the towel too soon. I disagreed, because I couldn’t name an instance where I threw in the towel early and things didn’t end up the way they inevitably would have. I just helped it along. Come to think of it, I think Ryan said essentially the same thing about how Andrew and I had ended our long term relationship so quickly. Granted, that relationship was doomed anyways, so I was right in the end.
I had always taken a little time to lick my wounds, but my goal was always to move on. After Andrew, moving on was in the form of finding a new job. This time, however, finding a new job wouldn’t take me away from my problems. This time it was part of the problem. I wasn’t sure what to do. I ran away from Ryan as fast as I could and now I didn’t know what to do next. My pride had been damaged one too many times. I couldn’t bear to face Catherine, either. Most of all, I just couldn’t face the fact that Ryan would probably choose her–beautiful, smart, confident, poised Catherine, a woman he’s known almost his whole life.
He said he needed some time to think through things. I never gave him the chance to say anything more, nor did I give him an opportunity to talk to me later under more calm circumstances. That was my pride getting in the way again. Maybe I should’ve agreed to meet him to talk it through, but I was too hurt and angry to really rationalize and process anything he had said.