Nerd Girl(41)

He looked at me with quiet intensity. He had one elbow on the table, his thumb on his chin and his forefinger rubbing his upper lip. He looked deep in thought about something. I think I may have said too much. I hadn’t realized I felt so strongly about infidelity until it all came tumbling out of my mouth. Before either of us could say anything else, our server arrived with our entrees.

We ate our meals initially in silence. It was a welcome distraction from my thoughts. I could tell he was thinking about it, too, but I wasn’t going to press him to share. We sampled each other’s entrees again, holding out a fork for the other to taste. He still hadn’t said much since we received our food, so I decided to break the silence.

“Please don’t think I’m this bitter person. It’s been several months now. I’m ready to move on. I’m not a toxic person, really. I know when to let things go.”

“No, that’s not it at all.” He shook his head and gazed at me with complete seriousness. “You deserve someone who’s as sure about his relationship and feelings for you as you are about him. To do anything less or to be with anyone who isn’t certain about their feelings for you would be a tragedy. You would be settling.”

“Oh,” I muttered. Another completely disarming comment from him reduced me to speechlessness. How does he do this to me? I attempted then to turn the tables.

“What about you? Why don’t you have a girlfriend?” I asked tentatively.

There was a long pause. In those few seconds, my heart stopped and I braced myself for disappointment. The idea of him being with someone else caused me physical pain. Does a heart actually clench? My physical reaction took me by surprise. What was that?

But instead of saying he had a girlfriend; he said something else that totally surprised me. “We’re … taking a break.”

He didn’t offer up any further information. Raising one eyebrow, I wasn’t going to let him off the hook. “You twisted my arm to have me give you my whole sad story. Now I want to hear yours.”

He chuckled. “I guess that’s only fair.” He rubbed his chin again with his thumb and forefinger. I wondered if this was a habit of his. Did he always rub his chin when he was deep in thought?

“We had been together for a long time,” Ryan started slowly.

“How long?”

“Seven years.”

I raised my eyebrows in surprise. That was intimidatingly long and more than twice as long as Andrew and I had been together.

“I think we just fell into our relationship out of convenience. Before I knew it, a year became three, and then the relationship became like part of the scenery.”

“If I were your ex-girlfriend, I would’ve cringed at the thought of being referred to as part of the scenery.”

He looked down and chuckled, like he was experiencing a private joke. “Well, you’re definitely not part of the scenery.”

Whatever he implied by that sent butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I looked at him, perplexed, but he ignored me.

“It’s complicated,” he said and paused, trying to come up with the right words. “I never really questioned our relationship. I just kind of took it for granted that she was always there. I never really pursued her.” He spoke like it was a revelation. “I was really busy with my career. I worked some insane hours when I first started working at MS. I never really had much time for anything else. She works for MS as well.” He eyed me carefully to gauge my reaction to this news. I wasn’t surprised, though. “She was building her career and in the same boat as me. It was just convenient, frankly.”

I knew all about convenience. I’m starting to think that Andrew was really just convenient.

“I know that sounds sort of harsh, but it worked for us at the time. I’m not sure if she ever thought of me as more than the scenery either, come to think of it.”

“That’s so sad,” I said. “I’m amazed you guys stayed together for as long as you did. Didn’t you realize that something was missing in your relationship?”

“Like what? You mean fireworks and chemistry and the idea of wanting someone so bad you can hardly breathe?”

My heart skipped a beat. “Yes, exactly like that,” I said in almost a whisper.

“Well, I honestly thought stuff like that really didn’t exist, until...” His voice trailed off and he looked out towards the bay. “I had my doubts for a long time about her. I wanted to think that there was more, but it took me a while to figure it out.”

He shrugged and looked directly at me. “I want to explore who else is out there.”