If the news was bad, though, he might not call or text me for a while. He would likely call me later in the afternoon, once he had digested the news. He might be in the process of giving Catherine some much-needed emotional support. She might be crying in his arms right now. The thought of her needing him and holding him close for comfort brought up a jealous surge of feelings. I knew it was wrong for me to feel that way and I hated myself for it.
As I headed back to my car, I took my time stretching out my tired muscles and replenishing my body with water. I checked my phone and the clock. It was almost noon and there were no messages. Despite feeling overheated from my workout, the hair on my neck rose. No news, in this case, meant bad news.
By the end of the day, I still hadn’t heard from Ryan. I knew something was horribly wrong. Could they still be at the cancer center? I desperately wanted to call him, but if I did and he was still with Catherine, it would be intrusive. I was the reason that they broke up in the first place. I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate any intrusion from me, even via phone, on what she probably thought of as the worst day of her life.
I got online and did a little bit of creative spy work. When I logged back onto the corporate network, I checked to see if Ryan’s IM status icon was set to green for available or yellow for away. His status icon was without color, which meant he wasn’t online.
In the short time we had been together, he had never not called when he said he would. I was starting to panic. After dinner, I gave in and finally decided to call him. The phone rang several times and then routed me to voicemail. His recorded voice sounded smooth and beautiful.
“Hi, it’s me.” Okay, I’ll keep it short and simple. “I just wanted to see how things went today. Call me when you get a chance. Love you. Bye.”
I went to bed with an ill feeling in my stomach. I finally drifted off to sleep and woke up early, before my alarm even went off. I looked over at my phone and saw a text from Ryan. Oh, thank God. He must’ve texted me after I went to bed.
Ryan: Sorry for not calling back last night. I’ll try to catch up with you tomorrow.
He might as well have just given me the weather report for about as interesting and insightful as his message was. I knew it was just a freakin’ text and I shouldn’t read too much into it, but it was without any emotion. There was no mention of Catherine. There was no sweet note or sign of affection. Nothing.
Later that day, Ryan still hadn’t reached out to me. He hadn’t texted me, emailed me, or left me a voice message. He wasn’t on IM. I knew I was obsessing over it; I checked nearly every hour to see if he was in the office or online. I even checked with his admin to inquire about his schedule and learned that he had cancelled his meetings today and tomorrow for a “family emergency.”
By Wednesday morning, after another restless night and more radio silence from Ryan, I was a mess. I also knew, with certainty, that Catherine had cancer.
Ryan and I hadn’t been together for very long, but I wasn’t stupid. I knew when someone was avoiding me. It was no longer just about giving him some space to deal with whatever emotions he might be working through. For some reason, he didn’t want to see me nor talk to me. He was shutting me out. I could speculate for hours on end why this might be the case, but I knew I would go insane thinking any further about why he was behaving the way he was. So I reminded myself that Ryan loved me. He was in shock. He still cared about Catherine and that was something he never denied. I just needed to tell him that I would be there for him while he was there for Catherine. It was time for me to confront Ryan and understand how I fit into it all. He couldn’t avoid me forever.
Without giving Ryan a heads up, I drove over to his place. He lived a mere eleven blocks west of me, so it took me only a few minutes. If he wasn’t home, then I would wait. For a short moment, I wondered if I was bordering on stalker-like behavior, but I shoved that thought away. I deserved to know what was going on. If it affected Ryan, then it affected me, too. I had every right to be here. If he was avoiding me intentionally, I deserved to know the reasons why.
It was 7:45 and I could tell he was home because his lights were on. I paused and took a deep breath as I walked up his driveway towards the front stairs. I was scared. I wasn’t sure what to expect behind the door, because I didn’t know exactly why he was avoiding me. I steeled myself to be prepared for anything. I needed to be strong and go in there with my head held high.
By the time I got to the top of the stairs, Ryan was already opening the door. He must’ve seen me drive up. He looked like hell. His eyes were bloodshot and tired and he looked like he hadn’t shaved today. His hair stuck up like it did when he ran his hands through it. He wore his favorite old pair of jeans, the one with the small hole at the knee, and a wrinkled white t-shirt. Despite his haggard appearance, I thought he was beautiful and in just two days I’d missed him so much.