Everything about Ryan and me just worked. I had never felt so in tune with someone. He made me feel loved, safe, and hopeful. Time didn’t seem to exist and just being in his presence was all I needed to feel content and happy.
The problem was, despite the confidence I felt about Ryan’s feelings for me, I couldn’t shake the premonition that something bad was about to happen. Things were going too well. I had due reason not to trust the laws of nature—I’d been screwed over one too many times. For someone who was innately intuitive, sometimes I was also an idiot and in denial about a good many things … Intuition and denial were not a good working combination.
After several heartbreaks, I knew I had developed a complex. I was confident when it came to my career, but I lacked confidence in my relationships. That was my MO. I really wanted to believe that this time would be different. My subconscious supported this time as different and was constantly reminding me that it’s nothing to worry about. It’s Ryan. He won’t screw you over. He’s the one you’ve been looking for your entire life.
If I was upset merely because Ryan was having dinner with Catherine right now, then I was just being a jealous fool. Rationalization or not, I couldn’t shake the feeling that there was something more than a casual dinner going on. As I relaxed in my bath, I came to the conclusion that I would go mad if I tried to make any more sense out of my premonition. There was no point in worrying about something that hasn’t happened.
Normally when I felt this anxious, I would go for a run. Running always cleared my head. Given that I was in the middle of a bath, getting sweaty and dirty again probably wasn’t the best idea.
I opted for more wine instead. After drying off, I covered myself in a subtle rosemary mint body lotion and pulled on one of Ryan’s t-shirts. I breathed in his scent and it immediately made me feel closer to him. I poured another glass of wine and cozied myself up on the sofa, picking up the next chapter of my book.
Just when the Tri-wizard Tournament was announced, I heard the door buzzer. It was still early, only 8:30. Ryan was back earlier than I expected. I took this as good news; obviously he didn’t feel the need to stay in Catherine’s company longer than he intended.
“Hi, babe,” I said as I opened the door.
Ryan gave me a chaste kiss on the lips. It wasn’t the overly enthusiastic greeting I’ve become use to, but I tried not to let my disappointment show.
“Hi,” he replied. He gave me small smile, but it never reached his eyes.
“So, how did it go?” I asked nonchalantly.
“Fine,” he said, but then his face actually contorted into a grimace.
“Okkaaaay,” I replied cautiously. “That great, huh?”
Ryan was silent. He looked uneasy. His lips were pressed together in a tight line. “Do you mind if we talk about it later?”
“Yeah, sure.” I wasn’t sure exactly what to say, but if he didn’t want to talk about it, I wasn’t going to force him. There was an awkward silence. I could only come to the conclusion that he didn’t want to talk about it with me. I was too wimpy to call him on it, fearing I would sound like a jealous, overbearing girlfriend.
I could tell he wasn’t in his usual good mood and he was obviously distracted from whatever happened at dinner. The awkwardness was a first for us and I didn’t like how it was bringing out my insecurities. Did Catherine tell him something to make him rethink his decision about their engagement? Maybe he saw her tonight and realized he was still in love with her. I knew I was jumping to conclusions; I just needed to take a moment and calm down. As much as it was going to kill me to not say anything, I needed to respect his privacy and let it go for now. I bit my tongue, honored his request, and gave him the space he needed. Instead of asking him any further questions, I asked if he wanted to watch a movie on Netflix.
We opted for a Steve Carell romantic comedy with the added bonus of Ryan Gosling as one of his co-stars. As soon as we were on the sofa, we lay down together, his arms tight around me. Even though his mood was still off kilter, at least he wanted to be near me physically. I took comfort in his strong embrace as he squeezed his arms more securely around my waist and nuzzled his face into my hair.
We spooned on the sofa during the movie; his free hand softly moving up and down my arm giving me goosebumps. But unlike me, he wasn’t laughing in all the right parts. He was obviously still distracted from his earlier time with Catherine.
Unable to stand it any longer, I spoke up. “Do you want to talk about it?”
He removed his arm from my waist and sat up. He looked at me with a grave expression on his face. I sat up, too, and met his gaze. I was worried now and my expression mirrored his. I started to get a sick feeling in my stomach. Why did I always think the worst?