My eyebrow rose at what I thought was a misconception about me. Sometimes, I knew that I let work get to me way too much, but it made sense that he would think that of me, since I was essentially giving up my MS career for him. My career had always been something I was proud of. And now … well, now I was actually finding myself giving it up for a guy. I never thought I would consciously do something like that, and it didn’t sit very well with me.
“I mean, if you think about it, what attracts people to one another?” he continued. “There are lots of attractive, bright, people out there, but what brings us together, exactly? Is it chemistry? Is it fate? I don’t even know how to begin contemplating what stars aligned to have brought you to me. What I do know is how you make me feel. And for the first time in my life, I’m embracing it,” he said with determination. “You make me feel selfish and better for it.”
Huh? “Um, yes, I guess I bring out only the good in you,” I said sarcastically.
“What I mean is that I’ve always felt too responsible, too accountable, for everyone. I take risks in my career, but with family and relationship, I play it safe. Obviously.” He rolled his eyes at his indirect reference to his ex. “I’ve always done the right thing.”
“And that’s bad because …?” I was confused.
“Julia, I would’ve jumped off a plane to be with you. I would’ve fought crocodiles or walked on hot coals. After I met you, I felt younger, freer … more alive. When I wasn’t completely truthful with you when we first met, I knew I was doing something I shouldn’t be doing. But it was also one of the few times in my life that my irresponsibility gave me a rush. I didn’t care. I just wanted and needed to be with you.”
Holy shit. This man has a way with words.
“You made me selfish, because I wanted you so badly,” he whispered, “I was willing to risk everything for you.”
“Thank goodness you were so, uh … selfish,” I replied. I guess for someone as selfless as Ryan, being selfish actually seemed like a good thing.
We ate our dinner in silence for a while. I was so stunned by his honest and passionate confession that it pretty much left me speechless. He seemed to do that often.
“Same question,” he said, startling me out of my thoughts. “What do you like about me?”
How would I even be able to match his answer? “You’re hot and you’re rich,” I said, straight-faced, thinking I’d try giving him a taste of his own medicine.
“Yeah, I’ve heard that’s a common opinion.” He grinned and winked.
I laughed. “I don’t know; you just make me … happy. You make me feel cherished, I guess.” I blushed and made myself look him in the eye. “I love how you say what’s on your mind. I admire your thoughtfulness and sensitivity to others. You’re probably the smartest person I know. I think that makes you very sexy.” I gazed up at him sheepishly through my eyelashes. I couldn’t help feeling like the damsel in distress whose prince laid his coat over a mud puddle for her to walk over. Snapping out of it, I said more strongly, “I love that you force me to have different perspective.”
“How do you mean?” he asked, looking thoughtful.
“Everything I thought that was important before doesn’t seem so important anymore,” I answered contemplatively. “Now I know there are two sides to every story. Life isn’t as predictable as I once thought—everything doesn’t fit nicely into a package. I’m a data-driven program manager by nature, but my experience with you has made me a less judgmental person. You once said I didn’t like things that were any shade of gray. You were so right. No matter how hard I try, things aren’t as black and white as I want them to be, but I’m learning that that’s not a bad thing.”
He nodded, raising his glass of wine to me in salute.
“For example, I resented Andrew so much for cheating on me, but maybe he really had his reasons. I’m not saying that it’s okay to do that to someone, but I’m starting to understand that there’s always another side to the story … like yours. I only used to consider one side; my side.”
I continued to process my thoughts out loud; things I hadn’t had the time to really think through until now. “Here’s another example. I used to identify myself as an MS lifer and my career was relatively predictable. But now … Well, I can start to see how life might be better elsewhere, or doing something else. For the first time, my career is essentially the unknown. It’s terrifying,” I said with trepidation, “but that’s not necessarily bad.”