Nemesis (Project Nemesis #1)(20)

"That's only part of the work, Noah. A big part, of course, but our time speaking together is just as vital."

"But why did the dream come back? Why can't I ever remember falling asleep?" In a fit of pique, I jerked up my sleeve and thrust my shoulder forward. "Why does this stupid scar burn every time?"

I was panting, had risen halfway from my seat. The last two days had been the worst of my life. I felt broken and alone. I'd kept my head down at school, avoiding people, wishing everything and everyone would just go away. But nothing I did made me feel better, and now my shrink couldn't help either.

"Let's go through the rest of that morning. Step by step. Tell me exactly what happened." Lifting his notebook, he looked at me expectantly, pen in hand.

I dropped back into my chair, embarrassed. Took a breath. Ordered my thoughts like he'd trained me. "I woke up in the same place, then snuck home like always. No one saw me slip back into the house-Rosalita was still in her quarters, and the cook never shows up before eleven. Our property takes up most of the block, so I know the neighbors didn't see."

Not that they'd have said anything. Winding Oaks is the most exclusive address in Fire Lake-tucked in the southwestern corner of the valley, its steep streets rising in tiers that provide spectacular views of the lake. Our place sits practically alone at the top. Dad likes looking down on people. No one bothers him if they can avoid it.

His name alone had gotten me out of a few jams growing up. Which is good, since I hate conflict and try desperately to avoid it.

If they only knew how little my father cared about me.

How much of a disappointment I was to that ruthless old shark.

"So you're sure no one noticed you'd been missing overnight?" Lowell seemed strangely intent on the question. "Not even your father?"

I snorted. "Dad ghosted four days ago for a wine-tasting holiday with Mandy. One last trip to Italy, in case the worst was about to happen. He left me a birthday check on the coffee table."



       
         
       
        

"I see."

"I went to school that morning, just in time for the Announcement hysteria. People were fighting, and our teachers acted like we were all going to die. Did you know someone blew up Ethan Fletcher's Jeep in the parking lot?"

"I heard." Lowell glanced at his watch. I blinked. He never did that. "It must've been a huge relief when they announced the miss."

"Well, yeah, obviously. But then I got dragged around to a bunch of parties. People were acting like lunatics, while I was barely holding it together." I swallowed. "It happened again, Dr. Lowell. I . . . I need it to stop."

"I understand, Noah. Believe me, I do. Tell me about your friends."

I hesitated. "Same as always. Sometimes I'm not even sure they like me."

"That's not true, Noah. You're highly regarded by your peers. The problem you're having-the problem you've always had-is that you don't like you. We must continue to work on that."

I didn't respond. About this, Lowell simply didn't understand.

But he wouldn't drop it. "The accumulated stress of your sleepwalking experiences has manifested in an acute insecurity. We need to delve into those feelings. Unpack them individually, and shove them into the light of day. Because they aren't accurate, Noah. You're a special, talented young man."

"I'm a coward."

Lowell tsked. "You have a generalized anxiety disorder. A medical condition doesn't make you a coward."

"Tell that to my father." My fingers made air quotes. "He says 'mental illness' is a crutch for the weak-minded. That psychiatry is a scam to separate suckers from their money."

Lowell's voice hardened. "Then he's a fool."

"No argument here."

But in some ways, my father was right. Lowell might give fancy names to my problems, but the facts remained the same. I was weak. I was afraid of my own damn shadow. I ran to my shrink every week and prayed he could fix me.

Lowell glanced at his watch again. I felt sick. He wanted rid of me.

Suddenly, the room began to vibrate. Lowell's green eyes rounded in surprise.

He shot to his desk. I gripped my armrests as the shaking increased, watched a dolphin figurine shimmy across a shelf before dropping to the carpet. 

Lowell had spun his laptop to face us and was opening his web browser.

The tremors ceased.

Lowell was breathing hard as he navigated to CNN and opened the live stream.

"-at Yellowstone National Park just minutes ago. Officials estimate the initial quake was somewhere in the low sevens on the Richter scale, causing damage throughout-"

I lost the thread. Was watching my psychiatrist wheeze, red-faced, his hands locked onto the sides of his computer. Lowell's forehead was damp with sweat.

"Doctor? You okay? Sounds like a minor earthqu-"

"Go." Lowell pointed to the door without looking up. "Now please, Noah. We'll, uh, resume where we left off tomorrow. Or perhaps the next day. I'll be in touch."

"Okay. No problem." Unnerved. This whole visit had been a disaster.

Trudging toward the exit, I stopped to gather a few books that had fallen.

"Leave them!" Lowell ordered. "Thank you, Noah, but I'll clean up. Off you go now."

I retreated into the lobby, shaking my head. Earthquakes are scary, no doubt, but that one had barely rattled a teacup.

What was he so afraid of?





16


PROJECT NEMESIS

File: INTERVIEW TRANSCRIPT: NOAH C. LIVINGSTON ("NL")

Date: OCTOBER 21, 2016

Specialist: DR. GERALD LOWELL ("GL")

Subject: TEST PATIENT B, BETA RUN, SESSION 14-J3


GL: Take me through what you remember, Noah. Step by step.

NL: Do I have to?

GL: The direction of our conversation is always up to you. But it's important for us to talk about your experiences, even the older ones. By discussing painful memories, we can draw some of the sting from them. Take away their power over you.

NL: [PAUSE] That one is . . . hard. It was the first.

GL: Do you remember falling asleep?

NL: [SUBJECT SHAKES HEAD] But I remember that day like it was yesterday. I . . . I . . .

GL: Relax, Noah. Remember, this is your safe place. It's just you and me here. Nothing can hurt you while we talk.

NL: [PAUSE] It was my eighth birthday. I was at soccer practice. No, wait-it was a game. I remember because my team wasn't good that year, but we were winning. I set up Chris for an easy one, and I stopped Cash from tying it up.

GL: Who was there with you?

NL: Lupe, my nanny. Plus my first stepmother, Janice. Lupe was cheering for me, but she upset Janice by being too loud. So Janice sent her to get more ice from the car. Janice always brought a squeeze bottle to my activities, and she'd usually finish it a couple times while I played.

GL: But Janice was watching you?

NL: Not a chance. She had her magazine and her cup, and never looked up from either one. I think she actually wobbled to the bathroom right before . . . before . . .

GL: Go on, Noah. I know it's hard, but this will help in the long run. I promise.

NL: [PAUSE] I must've fallen asleep on the sideline, or . . . maybe . . . I don't know. But suddenly the game is over and he's standing there. Black suit. Sunglasses. I . . . I . . . it seems so real when I talk about it . . .

GL: I know it does. That's part of your condition. These dreams are so powerful in your mind that you struggle to differentiate them from reality. The sleepwalking component only reinforces this confusion. But they aren't real, Noah.



       
         
       
        

NL: Then why do we have to do this? Why can't I just try to forget?

GL: It helps. Do you trust me?

NL: [SUBJECT NODS]

GL: Then please, continue when you're ready.

NL: [PAUSE] I walked into the woods next to the field, to retrieve a ball. There's nothing back there. And . . . and . . .

GL: What happened, Noah?

NL: [SUBJECT SHIFTS] A bag dropped over my head. I . . . I couldn't breathe . . . I was screaming, but . . . no one came . . . I couldn't get it off, or break through it . . . Then it was so hot, so dark . . .

GL: [PAUSE] Noah? Do you need a minute?

NL: [SUBJECT SHAKES HEAD] That's it. I woke up in the cave for the first time.

GL: That must've been very traumatic. What did you do next?

NL: I ran home crying. When I got back, Janice ripped me a new one, even though she could barely stand up straight. Losing me would've gotten her in trouble with Dad. Worst part was, she'd fired Lupe and was blaming everything on her.

GL: Did you tell anyone?

NL: No. What was I going to say? I had no idea what had happened. I was in the park, then suddenly I was miles away in a cave. I wanted to talk about it even less than she did.

GL: You seem upset about Lupe. Did you like your nanny?

NL: I loved her. She'd been living with us for years, way longer than Janice. I found out later she was out looking for me while I was missing, even after getting canned. [PAUSE] She was the only person in the house who actually cared about me.

GL: That's not true, Noah.

NL: [SUBJECT SNORTS] To Janice, I was this weird little troll attached to my father. I overheard her say I should be sent to boarding school right after they got married. She didn't last much longer than Lupe. They divorced a year later.