“Don’t fucking pretend you wouldn’t want one of our own someday.”
“I do want one. I do want to experience that with you, but I understand the scenario we face. If you can’t live with the risk, I understand that completely. You mean more to me than anything. I want you more than anything, and I’m not lying when I say that.”
“I just want it to go on record that I’d understand…if you couldn’t accept it.”
“You’d understand if I left you to become impregnated by some man I didn’t love?”
He looked like he was seriously pondering my question. “Fuck that. No, I wouldn’t understand. I’d end up killing someone. Or kidnapping your pregnant ass and raising the baby with you.” He suddenly pulled me close. “I’m such a lost cause.”
“Well, you’re lucky I’m not going anywhere, then.”
“When I’m old and crusty and no longer hot, you’re gonna wish you had some children.”
“And I will. We will. Even if they’re not biologically ours.”
He was looking so deeply into my eyes. It was as if he was looking beyond them. “Do you have any idea how much I love you?”
“I think I do.”
“No. I don’t think you do. There’s something I need to say, and I need to make sure you really understand it.”
“Okay…”
“I know it’s always at the back of your mind, because I know you so well. You wonder whether you’re gonna wake up one day and find that my feelings have changed—like his did. You won’t allow yourself to believe that this could be forever, because you want to protect yourself in the event that history repeats itself. I need you to believe that as long as I’m walking this Earth, I’m going to love you. I’m not gonna hurt you like he did. I can promise you that. You’re it for me. Maybe you’ve heard that before, but this time, the person saying it means it. I need you to understand that.”
So overcome with emotion, I could barely mutter, “I do.”
“Good.” He abruptly got up.
“Where are you going?”
“To make you coffee and breakfast.”
Feeling undeserving, I watched every movement of his gloriously naked body as he slipped on some sweatpants and sauntered toward the kitchen.
Stretching my arms, I yawned and lifted myself off the bed in search of one of his t-shirts.
I could hear Damien from the kitchen. “Shit. There’s no coffee left in the can. I meant to buy some when I was out last night.”
“How the heck could we be out of coffee? You buy that gigantic one.”
“Have you seen how much coffee we drink?”
“Crap.”
“Alright.” He sighed. “I’m gonna get some from the bodega. I saw a sign the other day saying they’d be open today.”
Looping my arms under his, I said, “It’s Christmas Day. Don’t leave. We’ll make due.”
He turned around and kissed me on the forehead. “You think you’re really gonna be able to survive with no coffee?”
“I’ll try.”
“Well, I’m a beast without it. Not an option for me.”
“You’re a beast either way, but I agree. You need your coffee more than me.”
“I knew I was forgetting something at the market yesterday.”
“You remembered the sticky balls but forgot the most important thing. Maybe if you came up with a coffee innuendo, you would’ve remembered.”
“Chock Full o’ Nuts?” He winked.
“Damn, you’re fast.”
“You like that brand, right?”
“Yes. Don’t be long!”
“I won’t.”
After the front door shut, I returned to the bed, slapped my thighs and waved to the dogs, prompting them to hop in with me. “Psst. Guys. Come on. Your daddy is gonna be so mad at me, but I want to snuggle with you on Christmas.” It was our little secret that we would hang out in the bed when Damien wasn’t home. I was pretty sure Damien was ignoring the evidence since they always left plenty of hair behind.
Dudley and Drewfus wasted no time jumping up on the bed and licking my face. They smelled like the biscuits we’d given them to open as presents last night, and now, I, too, smelled like them.
After forty-five minutes passed, it dawned on me that Damien was taking an awfully long time to get coffee. The bodega was only a few blocks away, and he’d driven his truck on top of that. The more time that passed, the more concerned I became.
Finally, the phone rang.
“Damien?”
“Yeah, baby.”
“Where are you?”
“I was just about to call you. I’m at the hospital. Memorial.”