After several seconds of silence, he simply backed away and left, slamming the door behind him.
“You haven’t heard from him at all?”
“No. The last thing he did was call me a ‘little fucking perv’ before going back to his apartment that night. It’s been a week and nothing.”
“Ouch.”
“Yeah. Remind me never to drink like that again. Nothing good ever comes from it.”
“So weird that he would admit all of that stuff—that he wanted to stick his dick in your mouth and what not—then be so quick to call you a perv for accidentally stumbling upon that video.”
“I didn’t accidentally watch it for five whole minutes, Jade. I don’t blame him. It was an invasion of his privacy. There’s no excuse.”
“So, what now?”
“Try to move on from this. Try to move on from him once and for all. What choice do I have?”
“Are you still seeing that guy, Brian?”
“No. He gave up on me. Just as well. He was a nice guy, but I just wasn’t that into him.”
“You’re not into anyone but Damien.”
“Well, that has to change. I’m going out with someone new this Friday, in fact.”
“Oh, really? Someone from the site?”
“Yes. His name is Mark.”
Dudley and Drewfus were barking up a storm next door, prompting Jade to laugh. “Wow, you weren’t kidding about those dogs. I can hear them.”
“It kills me that I haven’t seen them in so long.”
She sighed. “This is really proof, you know.”
“What do you mean?”
“That men and women really can’t be friends, not if one of them is attracted to the other.”
“I feel guilty, like I failed him as a friend because I couldn’t control my feelings. He’s been nothing but good to me and up front.”
“Maybe you’ll hit it off with this Mark guy or someone else, and that will make it so that you can handle being friends with Damien again someday.”
“Anytime I think about moving on from these feelings for Damien, it just makes me sad. It doesn’t feel natural to me. I can’t explain it. It feels like even though a part of him is forcing himself away from me, there’s still this pull that is ever present. I can’t imagine my feelings going away as long as that contradiction exists.”
“Well, you can’t run in circles forever. He’s told you in every which way that he doesn’t feel like there’s a future there. At some point, regardless of his reasons, you just have to listen to him.”
“Those are his words, yes. But his heart…you should have heard the way it was beating when we kissed. I think that’s the main reason I can’t accept what he’s telling me.”
“I don’t want to see you wasting this precious time in your life pining over someone who’s not going to be there for you in the end. He’s told you his piece. I guess I just don’t understand why you’re not listening at this point.”
That was hard to hear, and I didn’t really have an answer. Matters of the heart weren’t always logical or easy to explain.
That afternoon after Jade and I got off the phone, I made some coffee and sat at my window. Damien was painting in the courtyard. I knew this was the time of day when the sun was just right when he usually worked on his art. I wasn’t normally at home at this time but had taken a personal day.
I sat and watched him for almost two hours as he painted a mountain with a sunset behind it. It was amazing how something that started out as a series of sprayed lines could be transformed into an image so realistic with the right blend of colors.
I wondered what he was thinking about and what made him decide to draw a mountain and a sunset. The dogs were sitting down watching him with their tongues hanging out, and that made me smile. It took everything in me to stop myself from going out there and joining them, but I didn’t want to disrupt him or worse—upset him.
My phone rang, interrupting the stalking session. It was Ariel from the youth center.
“Hey, Ariel. What’s up?”
“I was looking for you, but you’re not in today. You said I could call you anytime if I needed you, right?”
“Yes. Of course. What’s wrong?”
“Promise you won’t get mad at me?”
“I promise.”
“I had sex with Kai.”
Shit.
“Wow. Alright. Are you okay?”
“I think so. I mean, it wasn’t that great.”
I laughed inwardly. “Yeah, first times usually aren’t.”
“I see that now.”
“What made you decide to take that step?”