Neighbor Dearest(19)
Was I being ridiculous? After all, I had a date tonight myself! The reality was, I was forcing myself to go on that date.
A knock on the door interrupted my thoughts. Not expecting anyone this early, I wasn’t even dressed. My hair was knotted, and I was sure there were bags under my eyes.
Damien didn’t look much better when I opened the door.
Still wearing the same clothes from yesterday, he lifted his hand. “Hi.”
“Hey.”
“Can I come in?”
“Sure.”
Looking tense, he placed his hands slowly into his pockets as he looked at me. “What exactly happened last night?”
“What are you talking about?”
Nice try dodging the question.
He moved in closer to me. “What am I talking about? You leaving me with a giant fucking basket of muffins and running off before I could even say anything? Ring a bell?”
“I thought you’d be alone. It caught me off guard.”
His eyes softened. “You were upset…”
“No, I wasn’t.”
“You’re a terrible liar, Chelsea. Fucking horrible at it. You don’t hide your feelings very well.”
“You think you know just about everything there is to know about me, don’t you?”
“Not everything. But it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to read you. It’s one of the things I like about you, though. You’re one of the least fake people I’ve ever met.”
“Then, tell me. Why do you think I was upset?”
“Honestly? I think you’re confused about me.”
“Confused…”
“Yes. I think you’re wondering why I opted not to have dinner with you and instead ended up with a woman I’d literally just met, someone who isn’t as sweet as you and sure as fuck isn’t as pretty as you. So, you’re wondering what the hell I was thinking. Am I right?”
That’s exactly what I was thinking.
He continued, “I know we haven’t known each other for very long, but I do feel a connection with you, okay? If you’ve sensed something, you’re not imagining it.”
“Well, if I wasn’t confused before…now I definitely am.”
“I feel like I need to say this now, because I can’t stand the thought of you thinking that I somehow find you undesirable when it’s exactly the opposite.”
I crossed my arms. “Again. Not following you.”
He closed his eyes as if to try to find the right words. “It’s just that I know for sure that I can’t ever be what someone like you needs in a boyfriend, in a partner. It’s not that we wouldn’t have fun or be great together at first. I’m just not good for you in the long-term—not marriage material. And the reasons are too complex to get into, except to say that it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with me. I can’t, in good conscience, start something with a girl like you.”
“A girl like me…”
“Yes. You’re not the kind of girl a guy takes home for a quick fuck. You’re the girl he keeps.”
Right. Just like Elec did.
“You didn’t have to explain all of this. You don’t owe me an explanation.”
“Well, if you hadn’t clearly been upset, I might not have said anything. I just don’t believe in beating around the bush with people or leading them on. I’m not like your ex. But I also need you to understand that there’s a difference between not wanting to be with someone and not being able to. I know more than anything, you’re scared to get hurt again. And while I know I would really enjoy crossing the line with you, if I did, I would end up hurting you. I’m not gonna be that guy.”
Feeling a weight on my chest, I said, “Well, I appreciate your honesty. This was a little deeper of a conversation than I expected this early.”
“I know. I’m sorry. I felt like something needed to be said after the way you left. I couldn’t sleep all night, thinking you were upset.”
I swallowed, feeling a numb mixture of sadness and disappointment. Unsure of what to say, I smiled. “Is being friends off-limits, too?”
“Of course not. I feel better about the friends thing now that I explained myself to you. I just don’t want things to be awkward between us, you know, if—”
“If you’re with a girl…” I interrupted.
He nodded. “Or if you’re with a guy.”
Damien had said he felt better, but he didn’t look it. He didn’t look relieved. He looked upset and tense.
And I was more confused than ever.
Brian Steinway was a great all-American guy.
Having relocated from Iowa to the Silicon Valley to take a job at Hewlett Packard, he was fairly new to the Bay Area.