I don't know why I'm getting so worked up over this. I'm just doing what I always do, letting myself slip into someone else's shoes. I keep having this recurring dream where I'm soaring, dark wings spread out on either side of me as my shadow passes over mountains, fields, beaches. When I come to rest, it's on the arm of a tree that stretches so high into the sky that it pierces the stars. I have no idea what it means or if I'm just crazier than a loose cannon on the Fourth of July.
I touch my fingers to my cheeks.
“Because other than a silly story about Angelina and Cape in the bedroom, that's all I've heard.” I raise my hands up when Darren glances over his shoulder, a smile begging to cut across his lips. It's almost painful to watch him fight it. “And nobody wants to hear about that.” I drop my fingers, press my nails into the rough leather of my pants. Night's coming quick, but it's still fairly warm out here, like the air is blushing. A slight heat to touch the cheeks. I smile at my brother and fantasize about changing out of these pants and into a pair of cotton shorts and a tank. Heaven.
“I'm not sure what you've heard, but I wanted to clarify things with you first.” I relax into the chair and check out the men that are with my brother today. I know all three of them and they've all got old ladies. I relax a little more. Generally, when there are single guys around, I feel like I'm in the spotlight, like they're all checking me out and trying to decide who I belong to. Right now, I belong to myself. Or if you want to get technical, my brother. It's his name that's on the back of my jacket. I don't want to get pressured into anything. When I decide to give my heart away, I want to make that choice. Even though I'm scared of it, even though I don't know if I'm ready, it has to be mine.
“Okay. Shoot,” I tell him as a motorcycle zips by. All the guys turn to look, scoping out the blur of color with critical eyes. As soon as it's out of earshot, they relax a bit.
“We're not trying to start trouble. You know I don't start trouble.” I nod my head, drop my chin into my hand and lean on the arm of the chair. The chair that I took because it used to be on the porch of our family home, because I knew my sister was snooping around when I wasn't there, looking for anything of mom's she could find. She'd already snagged a bird house, dug up some of our mother's marigolds, and snatched the welcome mat. The chair was next, I knew it was. Instead of leaving her this as a consolation prize, I removed it from her life completely. It wasn't good enough for me to simply move it inside the house; I had to take it away entirely.
I swallow back the pain and the frustration. It's not all bad. Life isn't all bad. I force my mind back to the present and watch the muscles in my brother's jaw twitch.
“And this isn't a war on women, you know that.” Darren turns to look at me fully then, showing me with his eyes what he won't say with his mouth. He loves me, and he'd do anything for me. Except break the rules. Anything except that. “I don't agree with what Bested by Crows did. Not Broken Dallas either. But I also don't like to be disrespected.”
My smile gets softer, less jovial. I knew it.
“It's okay, Tax. You don't have to tell me that. I know. And I understand.”
I watch as he stands up and moves over to me, switching his empty beer bottle from one hand to the other.
“We're not going to hurt anybody, just pay a visit. I should be back by tomorrow evening. Are you going to hang out here or head home?” I shrug, and I have to lick my lips again to keep from asking: can I come with? I don't need to see anybody from Triple M in real life. It would only fuel my weird obsession. Instead, I move my gaze to a woman with three little kids trailing behind her, her arms full of brown grocery bags. Maybe they were triplets? A surprise pregnancy and an even more surprising birth. Her lover passed away in an accident, so she has to raise the children all on her own – while working a nine to five.
I shiver again and Darren gives me a strange look.
“Thanks for coming to me though, Tax. I know you're just doing what you have to do.” My brother gives me yet another tight-lipped smile, and in his gaze, I see something he doesn't want anyone else to see. Darren cares what I think about him, doesn't want me to look at him with anything but respect and love. He's extra careful about what he does.
“You're a good woman, Emilie,” he says, bending down for one more kiss on the cheek. When he turns on his heel and leaves the porch, I have to dig my nails into my palms to keep from following after him, from asking what happens when he gets back. Are we going to talk about me? Are we ever going to talk about me?
I rise to my feet and stretch my arms above my head, moving over to the railing on the porch and leaning over it just in time to catch a fresh breeze. It rolls off the ocean and teases my nose with salt.