“The only thing I'm worried about is you. I been lost before, sugar. I know what it's like to be found.” She stares at me as I lick my lips and try to figure out if I'm man enough to admit my feelings. This girl is from a rival club, and I don't know how the other Triple M'ers would take it. Still, when I asked her to stay, I meant it. She'd like it here; I'm sure of it. There'd be a price to pay, though. There always is. Melissa. If Tease doesn't go back to her brother, I don't know how I'll get my friend back. I hesitate and the moment passes.
It don't feel good to be stuck between a rock and a hard place.
“I'm gonna grab a real quick shower if you don't mind,” I tell Tease and she nods, smiling at me as I stand up and move away. It's hard enough for me to make it to the damn bathroom without looking back, and I can't help but wonder if I got the fuckin' strength to watch her walk away forever.
Tease
Chapter 25
Sex.
What does it really mean? How does it define us? I wonder about that as I sit on the edge of the toilet seat with Beck's cell clutched in my hand. I never thought it was that important before, that it was just something you did. At least, that's what I thought on the surface of my mind. Deep down, I must've realized that wasn't true because despite the pressure from the club, I didn't have sex with anyone there. So I guess it always has meant something to me.
Sex with Beck is almost magical in a way. When he touches me, I forget who I am for that period in time, get drawn into him and drown in the experience. It's almost like I need him, but does he want me? I can't figure that out. He says stay, but then he doesn't back that up. I don't think I could survive leaving the club if I had to go it alone. I'm used to having the support of others around me all the time. I want to stand on my own, but I don't think I'm ready for that. My whole life, I've been groomed to be an accessory to others. It's going to take a while to figure this out. If I did join Triple M, and he and I didn't at least experiment and see where this goes, I'd feel lost.
I twist the phone around in my hands.
On the other hand, I'd die for my club. I would. I love everyone there like they're family, an extended sea of brothers and sisters. I just don't feel like that's the right place for me to live my life. I don't want to be anyone's old lady. At least, not anyone in Seventy-seven Brothers. I lean over and put the phone against my forehead. Beck said I could make a quick call to my brother. I'm not sure if he knows exactly what that means or how much last night meant to me.
We watched Lonesome Dove side by side on the bed and didn't touch. The absence of it made the sex we've been having all the more interesting. I couldn't stop thinking about it as I fell asleep next to him. When I woke up, our bodies were entangled.
“Shit,” I whisper as I dial my brother's number. The longer I sit here, the harder it gets. And there really is no right answer. Beck seems hesitant to say anything more, and I understand. If I don't go back, my brother could flip out. He could kill Beck's friend, Melissa. He might come after Triple M. If I do decide to leave, it can't be right now. Maybe someday. If Darren even lets you. He barely let go of Lizzie, and he didn't raise her the way he raised you. I tap my nails against the side of the toilet as I wait for Darren to answer.
“Hello?” he asks, voice tentative. He's not used to getting calls from unknown numbers.
“It's me,” I say, and my brother breathes a sigh of relief. “I want to come back today.” The words slip from my mouth before I can stop them. Triple M is going to be pissed. As for Beck, I think he had some idea of what I was doing. He had to know when I slipped out of bed and asked for his phone. I'm afraid to touch him, to eat another hamburger with him, to walk in the forest. If I do, I might change my mind. Traitor. I swallow hard.
“What?” he asks, sounding like he's about ready to blow somebody's head off. “Something happen to you, Tease?” I shake my head emphatically when I realize that he can't see me.
“No. I just … I don't see why we should drag this out any longer.” Tax hesitates for an inordinate amount of time before responding. There's something weird in his tone of voice that I don't quite understand.
“Did you arrange this with Triple M?” he asks. God, he knows me too well.
“Yes,” I lie, and then because I can't wait any longer, I add, “And did you find Margot?” Darren stays silent for a long moment and then sighs.
“We did. She's under guard at the clubhouse until I figure out what to do with her. Why?” I look up as footsteps approach outside the door and feel my heart start to race. This really is the right thing to do. I have to leave before I get so tangled, I can never undo the knots around my heart.