Needing Me, Wanting You(58)
“That's probably a good idea,” I whisper, knowing exactly what my brother is going to do and say. He'll accept the terms, and he might, might let Triple M walk for giving up Margot. That'll be the extent of his generosity. “But that's not all you have to tell me, is it?” I can sense more – worse things even.
Beck sighs again and adjusts himself, leaning his elbows on his knees.
“Can I tell you a story, Emilie?” he asks me, and I nod. I have a crush on the man. That much is painfully obvious. I'm already at the point where I'll listen to any story he wants to tell me. “It won't excuse what I've done, but it might help you understand it.” Beck closes his eyes for a moment, like he's gathering himself together. When he opens them again, they look even greener than they were before, even though I know that isn't possible. “Okay, here goes.” Another deep breath. “I was a good kid, Emilie. I had a mom and a dad and we were alright. My dad was strict, and my mother followed his orders like a soldier. But they loved me best they could, so I did what they wanted me to do and joined the Army.” He raises up his hands, flashing me the word Hopeless again. It's a weird word to see on this man's knuckles. From my experience being around him, he seems anything but hopeless. “I won't bore you with war stories, but it fucked me up good, and I ended up losing a lot of people that I cared about.” Beck looks down at his intertwined knuckles. “I failed a psych test and was discharged. After that, I was so messed up that I just wandered until I found somewhere I could belong. That was important to me after being in the military. I wanted a group, a brotherhood. I ended up in an MC that ain't worth the shit on my boots, and I did bad things. I hurt people that maybe didn't deserve to be hurt. And the only reason, the only reason I escaped that life was because Triple M found me and gave me a new place to belong, a new family to believe in.”
“Beck,” I whisper, but I'm not sure where he's going with this, so I try to keep quiet. He closes his eyes and keeps talking, like if he stops he might not be able to start up again.
“When somebody hurts or threatens that family, I get a little crazy. I won't lie to you about that.”
“I understand,” I tell him, because I do. This is one of the few things in life that I actually get.
“And when that shot went off and Melissa went down, I lost my shit. I shot at least three of your club members.” I swallow my pain and close my eyes, too, like if I can't see his face, it'll make it less real. Watching Beck, I could tell he was a badass. Of course he killed some of my family members. Of course he did. But I can still pretend, right? As long as I don't know who exactly he murdered. But Beck's not done. “And I stabbed one of them, several times. The man with the blue eyes, the Sergeant at arms.”
“Oren,” I whisper and I don't know whether to feel angry or … relieved. Traitor. No, no, I'm angry. I knew Oren. We had dinner together in the club room, played pool. He watched over me, and just because I didn't want to be his old lady, I can't tarnish his memory. I have to be respectful. He was family, family, fucking family. Beck adjusts himself and I open my eyes, staring into his and wanting so much to forgive but not knowing how. I can't forgive him, not me alone. The club has to forgive him and that is never, never, never going to happen.
“Tease,” Beck whispers, and I can tell there's something else he wants to say to me. But I'm not ready. Might not ever be ready. Even though I want to be. Even though I want him so bad it hurts. I shouldn't, but I do. Whatever it is he wants to say, I don't want to hear it. If I do … Traitor will be the nicest word in the book for me.
“Would you mind looking away, so I can grab my clothes?” I ask and Beck nods, face falling, that omnipresent grin disappearing like a seashell in the ocean. I reach over and cup my hands around his. Live in the moment. I still have a few days to spend with him, so that's what I'm going to do. I'm going to enjoy myself and then I'm going to walk away. Because that's the right thing to do. It's what Darren, what Seventy-seven Brothers, would want from me. I can't sacrifice everything for a man I just met, who I don't have the capacity to forgive. “I'll get dressed and make that phone call.” I pause and glance away. “And then, maybe, we could find something to do together?” I look back at him and try to smile. I'm being ridiculous – it's impossible to feel this much for a stranger. Impossible. “I could always go for another hamburger.”
Beck
Chapter 22
Letting go of Margot Tempe is not an easy thing for me to do. When I look at her face, all I see are the ones we lost in the shoot-out. I clench my hands at my sides and sneak a furtive glance around the group. Triple M ain't happy either, but I think if they look at it from Austin's point of view, they'll see that this is the best possible solution. We let Margot walk, show sympathy to our fallen sister, and she stumbles straight into the hands of Seventy-seven Brothers. She'll get her just desserts, and we'll have shown mercy. Seventy-seven Brothers will take our straight trade, and we can walk away from this, grieve, and move the fuck on.