Neanderthal Seeks Human(113)

“Fuck off with the Wikipedia bullshit, Janie.”

My smile broadened but I could feel the bitterness behind it; my mouth tasted like vinegar. “Ah, but, I think that’s not it either. Ok,” I placed my index finger on my chin. I’m surprised that she’s playing along, joking with me, and it occurred to me that Jem might have no expectation that I’d ‘guess’ correctly. I inhale deeply; “Let me think…”

“Maybe it’s both of those. Maybe I want to go to college so I can start a non-profit.”

I snapped my fingers, almost startling her, “I’ve got it!”

“You found me out. I want to adopt all the Dalmatians in Boston and turn them into a fur coat.” Her voice was, of course, deadpan as she said this. Jem lifted the tequila to her lips.

“No…” I hesitated, took another deep breath, “You’re running from a skinhead with crazy neck tattoos named Seamus who wants to kill you.”

Jem held perfectly still, her eyes still on me, her glass in mid-air. I allowed several seconds to pass. I noted that she didn’t appear to be amused anymore.

My hand found and closed over the discarded granola bar wrapper; I crinkled it with my fingers and continued, “And you need the money so you can hide.”

Jem took another gulp of the brown liquid then lowered the glass. Her expression was inscrutable. It was the Jem I knew. I couldn’t remember a time when she didn’t look hard, look at me and the world with a granite-like inflexibility. Her chest expanded slowly, like she was taking a calming breath.

“How do you know that?” So quiet. Her voice was so quiet I almost didn’t hear the words.

I tried to mirror her impassive mask but knew I was failing. I could feel the heat of resentment pour out of my fingertips and eyeballs. I felt the chilling warmth of it in my chest and nose, in every breath I took.

“Lucky guess.” I licked my lips; they tasted sweet from the OJ.

We stared at each other for a long time, silently. I wanted to yell at her, I wanted to ask her if she ever thought about anyone but herself, ask her when and why she decided to be the crazy Morris girl instead of the sweet, or gregarious, or well mannered, or any other option other than crazy.

She broke the silence, “I need the money.”

I sighed, glanced at my almost empty glass. My fingertips rubbed my forehead. I was going to have a headache.

“I know.”

“No, Janie, I really need the money.”

My gaze flickered to hers and I was surprised to find that fear had replaced some, not all, of the boulder of inflexibility. I sighed.

“I don’t have any money-”

“But Jon has money.”

I shook my head, “I doubt he’ll give you any money-”

“But he’ll give it to you. If you ask him he’ll give you anything.”

I bit my top lip to silence my abrupt and unexpected urge to scream at her. The impulse was so sudden I had to swallow. My hands were shaking.

I was angry.

I couldn’t speak so I shook my head again.

“Fuck, Janie! It’s the least he can do, after cheating on you.”

And then I laughed. At first it was a short burst, completely involuntary. Then, when I met her glare, another hysterical giggle spewed forth and I was lost. Soon I was laughing so hard my side and my jaw hurt. I had to stagger to the couch so I wouldn’t fall on the floor.

Nothing about this situation was funny. I was pretty certain I had just, literally, cracked up.

“So, what? You’re not going to forgive me for sleeping with your douchebag boyfriend?”

My mouth fell open. I didn’t think it was possible for her behavior to surprise me at this point. I was wrong.

However, I was so practiced at numbing my feelings around my family- in their presence, when I thought about them, when I recalled my childhood- my surprise was short-lived. It was like looking at them and my past through a microscope; they were an unfortunate science experiment.

“Jem.” I lifted my hands from my lap and pressed my palms to my chest, “I can’t forgive you if you’re not sorry.”

Her green eyes narrowed into slits, assessing me; “Yeah. I guess you’re right.” Her head bobbed in a small movement, her voice was quiet; “I’m not sorry. I’d do it again. And if you had another rich boyfriend who I thought I could get money from I’d sleep with him too.”

Her words made me flinch. I closed my eyes so I wouldn’t have to look at her.

Her raspy voice was closer when she next spoke; “We’re not so different, you know.”

I didn’t open my eyes at this ridiculous statement, instead I leaned further into the couch and willed her gone.