“So?” I yelled, crashing my mug to my desk, coffee sloshing over.
“So, this is good, you’ve broken through,” Tracy put in quickly and, as ever with my dear, sweet Trace, hopefully.
“No, Trace, this isn’t good,” I returned. “This is humiliating.”
And it was. It was humiliating. Deep down to the core humiliating. And the worst part of that feeling was that I did it to my damned self.
Again!
I lifted my hands, slid my fingers in my hair and held on. “I can’t believe this. I don’t know what to do with this,” I told the floor.
“Maybe you should talk to him about it,” Cam, of all people, advised and my head lifted so my eyes could narrow on her.
“Are you high?” I yelled and her face flinched. “I’m filler, everyone on the grid knows it. God!” I pulled my hands through my hair and threw them out to my sides repeating, “God!”
“Babe,” Cam said softly, “calm down.”
I lifted my hands again to press my palms to my forehead and through my arms I looked at her. “I want him,” I whispered my secret.
“Then talk to him,” Cam whispered back.
“I wanted him to be special,” I kept whispering.
“Girl,” she kept whispering too and got closer, wrapping her fingers around my arm, “talk to him.”
“For him to be special, he has to make me feel special. Not like Scott made me feel.” I heard Tracy make a soft whimper, she knew how Scott made me feel, they both did. “And definitely not worse than Scott made me feel.”
Cam’s other hand came up and wrapped around my arm, pulling them down, she stepped in close, her hands sliding up to grip mine as Tracy moved into our little huddle.
“I did this to myself,” I whispered.
“Baby,” Cam whispered back as Tracy slid her arm around my waist and she whispered, “Honey.”
“I wanted to believe I could break through,” I went on.
“Maybe you have,” Cam replied.
“I think you have,” Tracy put in.
“I held on, hoping to break through,” I kept talking like they didn’t speak.
“Gwen, take a breath and clear your head,” Camille advised.
I dropped my head and looked at my toes. Dark berry polish, a winter color. I needed summer. I needed sun. It was time to take a vacation.
“I’ll always be filler,” I told my toes.
“Oh honey,” Tracy whispered.
Suddenly, I pulled away, lifted my head and announced, “I need to finish on my deadline.” I looked at Cam. “Can I stay with you and Leo tonight?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Tracy stated.
“Yeah, babe, you can,” Cam replied.
“Cam!” Tracy snapped and Cam looked at her.
“She needs space,” Cam returned.
Tracy looked at me. “He’s coming to you tonight, isn’t he?”
“No,” I told her. “He wants me to go to him.”
Her eyes lit and she moved in close. “Then go.”
“No,” I replied.
She put her hands on my shoulders. “Gwennie, this is shit, I get it, this sucks but I can’t help but think that –”
I stepped back and her hands dropped. “I can. I can think it. And I’m not even mad at him, Trace. I’m not. This is me. I did this to me. I allowed this to happen. And if I’m ever going to have any self-respect after this fucking, fucking mess, I’m the one who has to stop it.”
“That’s a bad decision,” Tracy said firmly.
“Maybe so but it’s the one I’ve made,” I replied and straightened my shoulders. “Scott fucked me over and I loved him. That killed me. I even knew it was happening and I allowed it until I couldn’t put up with allowing it anymore. With Scott, I waited too long to look after myself, hoping he’d sort his shit out, and I waited too long with Hawk. Even if things have changed for him, I’ll always know what I allowed myself to be, what other people think of me. No wonder both Lawson and Tack thought they could make a play. They want to get in there and who can blame them? A sure thing who opens her bed and her legs, no questions asked, no expectations, just an opportunity to get off and go your own way until you’re done. Shit!”
“That isn’t who you are,” Cam declared.
“No? Seems like it to me,” I shot back.
“Then, girl, you’re wrong,” Cam retorted.
I shook my head. “I can’t think about this now. I have to work. I’ll come over as soon as I send my files,” I told Cam.
She studied me then she said quietly, “All right, girl. I’m off today. I’ll get ice cream.”