“She would want you to have a social life, to be happy.”
“What’s the point of crossing things off the list if you’re still going to bring them up?”
“You’ve got to let the sadness go.”
“Fine,” he said with a grunt. “We’ll talk about this.” He ripped another piece from his loaf, but didn’t eat it. “My mom and I got in an argument that night. I told her I was going to a movie with friends but I went to a party instead.” He turned the piece of bread over and over in his hand. “When you’re the police chief’s son, you’re not supposed to go to parties where there’s drinking. It would look bad if the party got busted. I wasn’t trying to undermine my father or the law or anything.
I went because my friends were there.” He looked straight at the fire, but I knew he wasn’t seeing it anymore. He was back in that night.
“Somebody called and told my mom where I’d been. When I came home, she was getting off the phone and was really steamed. She went off about how I was supposed to set an example. My friends weren’t 255/356
going to respect the law if I didn’t. And I was making my father a laughingstock.
“I told her I wanted to have my own life, and I didn’t want to be their son anymore.” The rest of the bread in Hudson’s hand crumbled under his grip, but he didn’t notice it. “She stormed out of the house, and I knew I should go after her. But I didn’t. That was the last thing I ever said to her—that I didn’t want to be her son.”
“You couldn’t have known what would happen,” I said. “It wasn’t your fault.”
He still kept his gaze on the fire. “I thought she might be headed to the party to yell at my friend’s parents. It wasn’t far away, just the next street over. So I called my friend and warned him that his party was about to get busted.” His voice wavered, dropped. “My mom was probably hit by someone leaving that party, someone who was drunk and going too fast. Because I warned them.” The breath went from my lungs. I didn’t know what to say. But Hudson didn’t stop, didn’t wait for my reaction.
“My father was on duty that night. He was called out along with the paramedics. He didn’t know until he got there …” Hudson’s voice broke off. “He’s never forgiven me and I don’t blame him.” I took hold of Hudson’s hand. “That can’t be true. Has he said that?”
“He doesn’t have to. I see it in his eyes every time I look at him.” Even though Hudson’s hand was stiff and unresponsive in mine, I kept hold of it, pressing it between the palms of my hands as though I could force comfort into his fingers. “He’s probably in too much pain to see what you’re going through.” I intertwined my fingers into his.
“Pain makes you blind.”
It was true, and yet it wasn’t. The pain of my parents’ divorce had made me blind to a lot of things, yet here, holding Hudson’s hand, I 256/356
realized that suffering could also make a person see. I could understand a little bit of the crushing weight he felt because I had been crushed myself.
“I should have gone after her,” Hudson said.
I slid one arm around his waist and laid my head on his shoulder.
I didn’t think he would return my hug but he wrapped his arms around me, resting his cheek against the top of my head. “I’ll never be able to make it up to him.”
“You don’t have to,” I said. “Your father doesn’t want you to carry around this guilt.”
Hudson didn’t say anything else, but I don’t think he believed me.
The muscles in his arms and chest were rigid. Neither of us moved, though. We sat there by the fire, arms around each other, while the flames hissed and popped and smoke swirled up into the sky.
Eventually, the tension left him. He let out a deep breath and it drained away. But instead of letting me go, he pulled me closer. As though, after pushing away comfort for so long, he finally wanted it.
And I wanted to comfort him. If I lifted my head, I could kiss him. I raised my head and looked into his eyes, trying to read his expression.
He looked back at me with a calm intensity.
I tilted my face to his, then heard an irritated voice behind me say, “There you are! I’ve been looking for you all over!” I turned, startled. Chrissy stood behind me.
Chapter 19
She wore a filmy green dress with flowing layers that reminded me of plant leaves. Her hair had changed from pink to blond, and small white flowers were woven through it, making her smell like orange blossoms. She carried something in a blue fuzzy blanket, which she held against her chest and shoulder.