My Uncle Oswald(74)

“For God’s sake,” I cried, “tell me what happened!”

She drank the rest of the brandy and asked for another. I gave it to her quickly.

“Lovely big room,” she said. “Lovely tall king. Black moustache, courtly, kind, and handsome. Took the chocolate like a lamb and I started counting the minutes. Spoke almost perfect English. ‘I am not very happy about this business, Lady Victoria,’ he said, tapping King George’s letter with one finger. ‘This is not like my brother-in-law at all. King George is the most upright and honourable man I’ve ever met.’

“‘He’s only human, your Majesty.’

“‘He’s the perfect husband,’ he said.

“‘The trouble is he’s married,’ I said.

“‘Of course he’s married. What are you implying?’

“‘Married men make rotten husbands, your Majesty.’

“‘You’re talking rubbish, madam!’ he snapped.”

“Why didn’t you shut up right then and there, Yasmin?” I cried.

“Oh, I couldn’t, Oswald. Once I get going like that I can’t ever seem to stop. Do you know what I said next?”

“I can’t wait,” I said. I was beginning to sweat.

“I said, ‘Look, your Majesty, I mean after all when a strong, good-looking fellow like George has been having rice pudding every night for years and years, it’s only natural he’s going to start wanting a dish of caviar.’”

“Oh, my God!”

“It was a silly thing to say, I know that.”

“What did he answer?”

“He went green in the face. I thought he was going to strike me, but he just stood there spluttering and fizzing like one of those fireworks, those bangers, the ones that go on spluttering for a long time before the big explosion comes.”

“And did it come?”

“Not then. He was very dignified. He said, ‘I will thank you, madam, not to refer to the Queen of England as a rice pudding.’

“‘I’m sorry, your Majesty,’ I said. ‘I didn’t mean it.’ I was still standing in the middle of the room because he hadn’t asked me to sit down. To hell with it, I thought, and I chose a large green sofa and draped myself along it, all ready for the Beetle to strike.”

“‘I simply cannot understand George going off the rails like this,’ he said.

“‘Oh, come on, your Majesty,’ I said. ‘He’s only following in his dad’s footsteps.’

“‘Pray what do you mean by that, madam?’

“‘Old Edward the Seventh,’ I said. ‘Dash it all, he was dipping the royal wick all over the country.’

“‘How dare you!’ he cried, exploding for the first time. ‘It’s all lies!’

“‘What about Lillie Langtry?’

“‘King Edward was my wife’s father,’ he said in an icy voice. ‘I will not have him insulted in my house.’”

“What in God’s name, Yasmin, made you go on like that for?” I cried. “You get a really nice king for once and all you do is insult the hell out of him.”

“He was a lovely man.”

“Then why did you do it?”

“I had the devil in me, Oswald. And I was enjoying it, I suppose.”

“You simply cannot talk like that to kings.”

“Oh yes I can,” Yasmin said. “I have discovered, you see, Oswald, that it doesn’t really matter what you say to them in the beginning or how angry you make them, because the good old Beetle always rescues you in the end. It’s always them that finish up looking silly.”

“But you said you’d blown it?”

“Let me go on and you’ll see what happened. The tall King kept pacing up and down the room and muttering to himself, and of course I kept watching the clock all the time. For some reason the nine minutes seemed to be going rather slowly. Then the King said, ‘How could you do this to your own queen? How could you lower yourself to seducing her dear husband? Queen Mary is the purest lady in the land.’

“‘You really think so?’ I said.

“‘I know it,’ he said. ‘She’s as pure as the driven snow.’

“‘Now, just you hang on one second there, your Majesty,’ I said. ‘Haven’t you heard all the naughty rumours?’

“When I said that, Oswald, he whipped round as though he’d been bitten by a scorpion.”

“Jesus, Yasmin, you’ve got a bloody nerve!”

“It was fun,” she said. “I only meant it as a joke.”

“Some joke.”