My One and Only(61)
She stared unseeing at her water glass, wishing it was vodka.
“Phoebe didn’t survive to say whether I was there or not.” Looking into Cooper’s sympathetic eyes, she said, “I could have saved her. Or I could be the person who made her fall. Either way, I’ll never know because I was too drunk to remember.”
“That girl’s death wasn’t your fault,” he assured her.
“You don’t know that,” she snapped. “No one does. But I live with the possibility every day.”
“Listen to me. Torturing yourself isn’t going to bring her back. Or give your mom a happier life. People make choices. If they don’t like how things turn out, they can make new choices.” Cooper laced his fingers with Haleigh’s, tugging until she met his eyes. “If your mom was unhappy in her marriage, she had the power to get out, but she chose to stay. That is not on you, and you are not required to do penance for something you had no control over.”
Sadly, Cooper’s response wasn’t anything Haleigh hadn’t heard before. More than one therapist had tried to reprogram her faulty wiring. The problem was, no platitudes, no matter how rational, could change reality. If Haleigh had never been born, several lives might be better today. That was a fact, and the weight she carried.
“Up here,” she said, tapping her temple, “I know that. And that’s why the night at Brubaker’s was the first time I’ve had a drink in four years. Mom just pushed the wrong button, and I let the craving win. I can’t guarantee I’ll never mess up again, but if I do, it won’t be anytime soon. I hadn’t lined up a counselor since returning to town, but I’ve rectified that and my first appointment is next month.”
With unwavering faith, Cooper nodded. “I believe you.”
He couldn’t possibly know how much those words meant.
A waiter showed up with their food, sparing Haleigh the task of responding. Which was helpful, since she had no idea what to say.
“All right, folks, who gets the enchilada?” Cooper motioned for the dish and the waiter proceeded to set the other plate in front of Haleigh. “Everything look good? Can I get you all anything else?”
“This will do it, thanks.” As the man walked away, Cooper tucked his napkin into his shirt collar. “Based on what you just told me, I’d say you turned out better than expected. Despite everything you’ve been through—”
“You mean everything I’ve done to myself.”
“No,” he stated. “You didn’t choose the best coping mechanism, I won’t argue with that, but the rest was inflicted by others. The fact that you still managed to become a successful doctor is damn impressive.”
Shooting for full disclosure, Haleigh said, “You’d be surprised how many doctors are really screwed-up individuals.”
He paused in the middle of slicing his food. “Really?”
“Well-intentioned and well-trained, but there’s something about having the power to fix others when you can’t fix yourself.”
Cooper tilted his head and looked up. “That actually makes a lot of sense.”
In mutual silence, they proceeded to eat their meals. Cooper had been right about the quesadilla, and Haleigh considered using the food to avoid the next part of her explanation. But a glance to her watch said she was running out of time. Her shift at the hospital started in less than forty minutes.
“I guess now we move on to the rest of my sins.”
“Something tells me I’m not going to like this part,” he said.
“Believe it or not, the engagements aren’t nearly as complicated as what we’ve covered already.”
“Good to know.” Setting his silverware on each side of the plate, he dropped his hands beneath the table and said, “Let’s hear it.”
With a flutter in her gut, Haleigh reminded herself that the worst was over. Now she just had to figure out how not to sound like a fickle woman with commitment issues.
Cooper kept telling himself that nothing that had happened in Haleigh’s past had anything to do with what might happen in their future, but he still needed to hear about these engagements. Being a good guy willing to give her the benefit of the doubt didn’t mean he lacked self-preservation. Abby had been right in the fact that Cooper needed to know what he might be stepping into. Which sounded ridiculous considering they hadn’t even been on an official date yet—a circumstance he planned to change real soon.
Twisting her fork in her guacamole, Haleigh said, “I’m not even sure the first engagement counts. It only lasted two weeks.”