Oh God, please let my mother live. After all, he'd answered my prayers about sparing Mother from making the choice about the baby. Yet, this wasn't what I'd intended. I wanted the baby alive with us. Not like this. I turned to the midwife. Maybe I’d been mistaken.
Molly shook her head and pulled the still bundle closer.
I raced to Father's side and slipped my hand in his. He turned his face as though shocked to see me there. After a moment, recognition registered. “Oh, my daughter. What have we done?”
I shook my head. “This is not our fault. We prayed for what was right. We wanted to spare Mother from…”
Father surveyed the room. “From this. We wanted to spare her from this.” He'd come around. Father was a wise man. He'd realize that the best scenario would have been that we were all together. Second best was this. Far distant would have been to surrender the child to that witch. I couldn’t have allowed that. But…if only we could have known before it was too late.
Mother's eyes fluttered. Pink had returned to her cheeks. She was coming back. “Where's the baby? Where's the baby?”
Dr. Johnson leaned in close to Mother's ear. “I'm very sorry, but the baby is gone.”
Father reached a hand out and squeezed his wife's shoulder. “The doctor did everything he could, precious.”
Mother nodded like she’d expected the loss. “Boy or girl?” She closed her eyes.
“It was a boy, my love.”
They had done it all for nothing. They had wanted a girl to appease the witch and give me my life back. And now the baby boy hadn’t even lived. My brother.
Mother turned her head away as a single tear escaped. She whipped her head back toward me and locked eyes with mine. “We will try again.”
No! I shook my head and stepped forward to talk sense into her.
Father grabbed my wrist and shook his head. He nodded toward the doctor.
“No.” Doc Johnson shook his head. “I'm afraid with the trauma your body has endured, and the loss of blood, you will not be able to have another.”
Mother nodded. No tears fell. It was as if she resigned herself to the inevitable. Finally, she lifted her eyes to mine once more. “I'm sorry, my love. I did all I could.”
“I love you, Mother.” While I didn't understand what she’d been willing to do, I certainly recognized the sacrifice. I only hoped that I’d have the opportunity to love like that one day.
***
Hmm. Maybe mother was right. William wasn't so bad. Maybe I could partner up with him for a few years, at least make Mother feel better. I could sacrifice myself to save her. It would be worth it. Really, it wouldn’t be that much of a sacrifice. But what if I fell in love with him? I couldn’t do that to Henry…or to myself.
That was the problem. My biggest fear was feeling love and then having to lose it again. Would I love William? I glanced into the garden from the kitchen window to where he sat and spoke with Father. He looked up to my father. Everyone did.
William looked like a nice man, good-looking, even, but my heart didn't do with William what it did with Henry. Maybe it was incapable of that ever again. Maybe that kind of standard was an impossible one. But if mother thought I could be happy, if she thought that I would learn to live in love again, maybe she’d manage to let go of the fear and dread she carried on her shoulders with every waking breath. I would try for her.
I dusted my hands on my apron, then reached back and yanked the tie. I caught the apron before it fell and looped the ties across the doorknob. I glanced into the mirror beside the front door and tucked an errant strand of blond hair behind my ear. I squeezed my cheeks until they pinked and walked outside.
“So, what are you all doing around here? What’s the topic of the day?” I pasted a sunny smile on my face. William’s eyes twinkled. Joy lent truth to the assumption that Henry and I had broken up. It hid the fact that my life had shattered when he disintegrated before my eyes.
Could that be pride on Father's face? He seemed to be enjoying my rapid change of heart. But it was for my mother I even tried to approach William. I would do anything to pull her out of her pain. Hopefully one day soon, my heart would catch up with the duty I felt to move on with my life.
In the meantime… “So, William, how was hunting season this year?” Hunting season? That was the best I could come up with?
William’s eyes brightened. “Oh, the dogs we have this year? They are trained so beautifully and almost sense what they need to do. It's a miraculous thing to watch them at work. We had a wonderful season. Probably the best ever. Thank you for asking.” His eyes flitted about. Certainly searching for something to keep the conversation going. Men were no good at such things.