“Whatever, it’s a stupid car racing game, but give me demons and I could kick their asses.” I pouted annoyed at his attempt to embarrass me.
“Sure babe, whatever helps you sleep at night.” He teased.
Mrs. Thatcher and I became fast friends baking and cooking together. When she wasn’t around and I would get bored at home all alone, Lukas would have Jacob drive me around to shop. I felt spoilt and unworthy of everything he had given me especially his attention but I let myself relish in it. The gnawing feeling was part of my issues and I was trying my best to ignore it. Maybe I was worth all of this and of him.
“Where are you my little Gran Turismo loser?” He mocked as he found me outside sitting with a glass of wine and my iPad.
“I don’t know where she is but I’m here.” I smiled back as he leaned in and kissed me. He stood over me waiting.
“What?” I asked skeptically. He had this look about him, it wasn’t sex it was something else.
“I have something to give you.” He hesitated. Okay, this is a first, a nervous Suit.
“What is it?” He pulled the patio chair and sat close to me, placing a box in front of me. It was wrapped in brown paper and tied with twine. “What’s this?” I moved the box closer.
“Just open it.” He waited his eyes wide with enthusiasm.
“You look more excited than I do!” I mocked and he shrugged. I pulled on the twine and undid the wrapping. He leaned in closer, watching my face. I pulled off the top of the box and pushed back the tissues paper, I looked to him and a wide smile had come across his face, he was beaming.
“Lukas…” All words failed me, my heart swelled, my spirit soared. He had gotten me early editions of all my favorites British authors. I pulled out one book holding it like it was alive and fragile and stared at it intently.
“I know you loved Jane Austen and the Brontë sisters so I got them all for you.” He said affectionately. My vision blurred with tears as I put the book back into the box.
“I just don’t know what to say…” I sobbed quietly. He cupped my face and caressed my tears away.
“Say thank you, say you like it, say I’m a god, say anything.” He smiled waiting. I watched his face, his adoring eyes.
“I love you” I whispered without thinking. His face stilled and his body grew rigid. His reaction was not one I expected but then again I didn’t know what to expect with him. He continued to stare at me not uttering anything back. My shoulders dipped down, I was disappointed by the look that was painted across Lukas’ face. I pushed him off me and walked back inside. I turned to see if he was following me but he wasn’t he sat frozen, fused to his chair.
“God I fucked it up.” I murmured to myself. I ran up the stairs and into his bedroom. I closed the door behind me holding onto the knob, clutching at it till my hands turned white. That’s when I began to hyperventilate. I crawled into bed and sat there in the middle with my knees to my chest. I could hear Lukas coming up the stairs, my heart pounding at each step he took, till the beating of my heart rang loud in my ears. Heat coursed through me, my skin was hot. I tried to slow my breathing, to reign in my emotions.
“Look it’s no big deal, it’s not important. Nothing has to change, I don’t expect you to say it back, it’s just me I get it and I’m fine with it. You’re a very important man and I know I can’t really offer you anything of substance back, they are just words, nothing else.” I verbal diarrheaed all over him the moment I heard the door open. He stood in the doorway silent. Fuck, I mentally yelled at myself. Could there please be an earthquake and could it please swallow me whole right now.
I pushed myself off the bed and bee lined it to the bathroom. Lukas grabbed my arm, pulling me in front of him. He searched my face for a moment and then kissed me hard. Our teeth nearly knocked, his tongue was demanding inside my mouth, taking it for his, I pulled back pushing him off me. This wasn’t what I needed now. He said nothing, as I walked away to the bathroom.
I looked at myself in the mirror, I really screwed things up. Lukas didn’t want this part of the relationship. My gut told me so. Yes he wanted to possess me, to own me but I had the feeling love was not what he had in mind. The look he just gave me, the kiss he attempted all were contrary to how I felt at the moment. It was like he thought I needed the kiss but what I needed, he probably couldn’t give me.
After what seemed like forever I walked out of the bathroom. Lukas sat on the edge of the bed waiting.
“I’m sorry about before.” He whispered.