My Last(23)

He was, honestly, stunned that his mind would even go there. A very long time ago Riley had decided that a wife, kids, and white picket fence would never be in his future.

He just wasn’t that guy.

He had nothing against it. In fact, sometimes he really wished he was that guy. He knew part of his reluctance to even hope for anything like that came from all he had been through with his Mom. Well, actually, all he had seen his Dad go through because of her was more like it.

He never wanted to end up like his Dad had - trying to take care of kids and a depressed wife. Being the breadwinner, disciplinarian, cook, and maid. Of course, he and Seth had helped out with Alex and Bobby. Jason had always been pretty self-sufficient, but the younger ones needed a lot of time and attention.

Looking back, he wished he would have done more. He wished he could have managed to not have been such a problem child. He realized now, as an adult that he was just acting out because of being angry and confused about his Mom. But, damn, he certainly hadn’t made life any easier for his poor Dad!

For quite a few years now he had been wanting to reach out and apologize to his Dad, to tell him that he was sorry for being a little shit, especially when what his Dad really needed was support. But, he never felt right having a conversation that important over the phone or email. That was definitely a dialogue he wanted to strike up with his Dad in-person.

They climbed onto the cable car and sat down on the wooden bench.

Chelle was looking down, fidgeting with her hands, “So, how does it feel to be home? I mean in the states. You’ve been overseas for a few years right?” She seemed to be nervous.

Great. He wanted her to have a nice day, not be worried about trying to filling awkward silences. He needed to remove his head from his ass, and he needed to do it now. He needed to get real comfortable real fast, because she was obviously picking up the awkward vibe from him.

He turned towards her and put his arm around the back of the seat, smiling casually, “Honestly, I don’t think it’s really sunk in yet. I mean, I've known this time was coming for a while now. I wasn’t even close to being tempted to re-enlist this time around, no matter what they offered me. I was definitely ready to get out.”

“Really? You didn't like the military? I don't know where I got this impression – maybe from Jason, or maybe from Eddie – but I always thought that you loved it.”

Riley nodded thoughtfully, “I do love...or, you know, I did love it...it had just turned into something that I didn't recognize. The whole philosophy of the young guys coming in, the way that tactics are evolving...it's more about drone strikes than hand to hand combat now, and the younger guys understand that. They recruit them that way. I don't. I've always believed that you look the enemy in the eye as you attack, at least metaphorically, if not literally.”

Riley stared off into the distance, then shrugged, “It was time for me to put myself out to pasture,” he said with a self-deprecating smile, “Let the young bucks take over.”

Chelle placed a hand gently over his and said lightly, “I wouldn't exactly call you ancient. Not quite yet.”

Riley felt his pulse begin to speed up and realized that he needed to get the conversation back on more neutral ground. “Anyway,” he continued, “It still seems more like I’m on leave, you know - it doesn’t quite feel permanent yet.”

“Yeah, that makes sense.” She smiled up at him.

Her smile slammed into him like a Mack truck. God, he didn’t think he would ever get used to the way that smile made him feel.

“I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I should be checking in with David,” she continued, “I keep catching myself glancing at my phone to see if he’s called.”

Riley felt himself tense up at the mention of David’s name. He didn’t like the feeling that David’s name on her lips caused in him. It felt dangerously close to jealousy.

Her eyes widened and she quickly added, “Not that it’s the same thing at all, you know...my relationship status is nothing compared to your military service.”

Riley mentally forced himself to relax, she had no idea his reaction had nothing to do her comparison of their situations and everything to do with the fact the he was having a completely irrational reaction to the mere mentioning of David’s name.

He smiled, “Actually it is the same in a lot of ways. We are both closing the door on big chapters in our lives.”

She paused a moment, and then added playfully, “And we're both handing over the reins to 18-year-olds.”

They laughed, relaxing as the gorgeous architecture flew by them, and the tension between them was broken.