I shook my head as I wiped the tears away from my eyes.
“Okay, then I want you to go do that right now. That is your only assignment. Take someone with you, if you must. I want you to face your past.”
I nodded and gathered my things. “Thanks, Dr. Stone. I guess I’m making progress, huh?”
“Yes, but I’m worried about what will happen with your hypothetical situation. Some advice before you go, the sooner you deal with it, the better things will be. You let it go on for too long, something will happen to puncture the bubble surrounding what you think is the perfect, ideal situation. It will come collapsing down if you don’t handle it soon. And don’t be afraid to face it, you’ve faced tougher things. You never know, it might actually work out.”
I sighed. “All right, I’ll see you on Wednesday.”
“Don’t forget the assignment,” Dr. Stone said as I left his office.
I got to my car and pulled out my phone.
Can you meet me at the cemetery?
Are you okay?
Something happen in your session with Dr. Stone?
I can be there in ten minutes.
—————————————
Sent from the iPhone of Devin Malone
You must be worried if you didn’t even take
the time to change your signature. I’m fine.
Just an assignment I have to do and
I prefer not to do it alone.
Okay, I’ll meet you there. Wait for me.
————————————
Sent from a worry wart
I waited as Devin had asked, and together we walked to my parents’ graves. “He said I had to come here and face the past.”
“Well, I’m here for you,” Devin said, wrapping his arm around me.
“I know. You’re always there for me, Dev.”
He kissed the top of my head, and I couldn’t help but think over what Dr. Stone had said. We were walking on thin ice and any moment it could break and we would collapse through.
And for the life of me I couldn’t figure out why I wanted to continue walking on it. I didn’t care about what would happen. I only cared for the present. In the present, we were happy, we were content and that’s all that mattered. My heart swelled with every touch, with every kiss and I wasn’t ready to let it go. I wasn’t ready to let Devin go. I wanted to stay with him as long as I could.
We continued walking until we reached the two headstones engraved with my parents’ names. Overwhelming sadness welled up in me.
“I’m here, Chris,” Devin said.
My throat tightened, and I nodded. I just stared at the stones—this was all that was left of my parents. Two granite stones with their names and the dates they lived. I covered my mouth as I began to cry.
Devin held me tightly and I clung to him. I let him rub my back and whisper nothings in my ear before I finally pulled away, tears still streaming down my cheeks.
“I need a moment alone,” I told him. He nodded his head and walked away. He was a distance away but still watching over me, still protecting me. That’s when I turned back around and sat on the grass and began to tell my parents everything, as if they could really hear what I was saying.
All I could say was how sorry I was for trying to hurt myself. I wanted them to know I didn’t mean it. I wanted them to know I loved them. I wanted them to know everything.
I looked up to see Devin leaning against a tree, still watching me. And that’s when I told them about Devin. I told them everything. I told them about why I hated him, why I loved him. I told them I couldn’t see myself without him anymore. “I love him, Mom. I don’t know what to do,” I cried. “It’s so complicated. I really messed things up. I don’t know how to fix it.” I cried some more, asking them for help, wishing they were still here, and telling them how much I loved them. “I’m sorry if I let you down,” I told them. “I never meant to disappoint you. I only wanted to make you proud. I realize I’m a screw up sometimes, but you’ll see. I’ll make you proud of me. I’ll make you proud to call me your daughter.” I stood up and kissed my palms and pressed them to the top of their gravestones. “I miss you.”
When I turned back around, Devin was there. He didn’t say anything, he just drew me into his arms. I cried a little more and when I finally was spent I pulled away. “Thanks for coming with me, Devin.”
“Anytime. I’m here for you, CJ.”
“I know and I love you for that,” I said.
Devin just smiled warmly. “I love you too, Chris. Don’t ever forget it.” I knew he meant it only as a friend. But a friend’s love was all I truly needed while I said goodbye to my parents. I let him lead me back to the cars, all the time his arm wrapped around me, holding me close to his side.