My Brother's Best Friend(45)

I nodded my head, knowing he was right, but scared to even approach the subject with Devin. “What if I didn’t want to ruin what we have now?”

“What you have is nothing, Christy. You aren’t really together with De—with this hypothetical person, you are pretending to be a couple. What you have isn’t real—it’s time to face the truth and either stop while you can still get out without too much damage, or tell him the truth about how you feel.”

I thought about it and nodded. “I’m ready to talk about The Accident, I think.”

Dr. Stone looked surprised. I mean, I jumped from my “hypothetical” relationship to The Accident. “If you want to tell me about it, I’m willing to listen.”

I looked up at him. “I’m ready.”

He motioned for me to continue.

I felt that the only way I could move on from the past and press ahead to the future was to clear away the one roadblock keeping me rooted in the past. “Well, you know that Eric had the website.”

Dr. Stone nodded.

“He kept putting up new videos every week and every day more people would comment about it. Even at school, they would come up to me and make fun of my stupidity and my lack of romantic and sexual experience. It was torture for weeks, but somehow I managed to get through the days, though I would come home and cry in my bedroom for hours. I couldn’t stop what they were saying and for some reason none of my family even noticed the change in me. I barely ate anymore and I just remember feeling hopeless, wishing school could just be over. I wanted to move on from high school. I wanted to go to college and start over. I wanted to be someone different, somewhere different.

“Then I was at school and got the call from the principal to come to his office. There were a few police officers and I just remember thinking they were there because of Eric. But then I heard them say my parents were gone. I didn’t believe it at first, but they said my brother had gone to get my sister and it hit me. This overwhelming sense of fear and dread—I had just lost my parents. I just felt empty. I remember leaving school and grabbing the things out of my locker and just walking to my car.

“It was as I was walking to my car that Eric showed up, arm in arm with two girls from my volleyball team. He didn’t even say anything, it was the girls who commented on how good Eric was in bed. They were supposed to be my friends, my teammates, but there they were with Eric, stabbing me behind my back.

“I got home before anyone else and locked myself in my room. I didn’t eat for two days, and Mitch didn’t even notice. He was so consumed with Emily and the lawyers and funeral arrangements.

“I had no desire to do anything anymore. I was depressed, I knew that, but my thoughts were clouded and my chest was still gaping open. I had cried for two days and had eaten nothing. When I finally emerged from my room, no one was even in the house. I just felt alone and empty, like darkness was surrounding me and I couldn’t escape. I found myself in the bathroom on the floor and that’s when things get hazy. I know I was angry and smashed the mirror, and I even remember picking up the glass shard, but what I was thinking, I don’t know. I just slit my wrist and watched as the blood flowed out. I remember the second I did it, regretting it. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to kill myself. I just wanted to feel something. I wanted to know I was still alive.

“I remember sobbing on the floor, unable to even pull a towel off the rack, too weak to do anything, and that’s when Devin came in. Blood was everywhere, and he acted quickly. He grabbed the towel and applied pressure as he kept saying I was going to be okay, that I wasn’t allowed to die. I just remember him carrying me out to the car and driving me to the hospital. He took care of everything, and he saved my life. I don’t know how I could ever repay him. I know what I did was stupid. I know what I did almost killed me, and the thought terrifies me.”

“Did you go to your parents’ funeral?”

“No, I was in the hospital. Mitch told everyone I was just severely dehydrated and that I cut myself when I smashed the mirror downstairs. Devin never left me once I was in the hospital. He stayed the entire time, making sure I was taken care of.” I looked down at my feet. “Dr. Stone, I know they aren’t coming back, I’m pretty sure I’m clear on the fact that they have left me.”

“They died, Christy, in an accident that took them prematurely away from you. It’s time you allow yourself to grieve for them. Maybe then you can face what comes at you head on. You can figure out how to deal with this hypothetical situation of yours. I want you to go and visit your parents’ graves, something I’m sure you haven’t ever done.”