I love him, it’s as simple as that. And it has taken me eight years to face the fact I once knew and had decided to forget. I love Devin Malone, and there is nothing I can do about it apart from telling him the truth, which would utterly destroy our friendship, not that our fake relationship wasn’t doing that already. I’m sure Dr. Stone would say there is no going back, once you’ve crossed the line between friends and something more. And we have definitely crossed that line.
No, I would rather just love him for as long as I can and face the pain and heartache when we end whatever it is we have. He doesn’t need to know my true feelings, it would only complicate things. Besides, he doesn’t feel the same way. So for now, I will pack up my things, head to Devin’s apartment and pretend I don’t like the guy who knows every inch of my body, pretend I don’t care for the guy who makes me feel alive again, and pretend I don’t love the guy who’s the kindest, sweetest, most caring person I’ve ever known.
* * *
Can I just say that last night was amazing? Yet again, I felt like I was where I was supposed to be. I left work and drove to Devin’s apartment. He and Mitch used to live there together before my parent’s death. It was their bachelor pad, now it was just Devin’s place. I parked in visitor parking and buzzed his apartment.
“Chris?” Devin’s voice sounded surprised. I was a little early, I supposed.
“Yeah, I’m here.”
“Okay, come up, but wait outside the door.” I giggled as the door buzzed open then preceded to climb the one flight of stairs to the second floor. I waited outside the door until Devin opened the door quickly. “Sorry.”
“Had to put away the inappropriate magazines and pictures of the girls you fantasize about?” I smiled.
“There’s only one girl I like to think about,” he said, bending down and kissing my lips softly. “Come on, I made something delicious, just for you.”
I followed him inside the house and almost gasped as we walked into the living room area, which also doubled as a dining room. A table sat in one corner of the room and the couches and television on the other side. It was spacious to say the least and didn’t look odd or out of place. But what really caught my attention were the candles he had lit, sitting all around in strategic areas.
“You really went to a lot of trouble.” I wondered how many girls he had brought home before me.
“Just come and sit. I have everything ready,” he told me and ushered me to the table. Everything was set. The food was all on the table, the meal I saw in a magazine that I showed him the other day.
“I can’t believe you remembered this.” I smiled.
“I remember a lot of things,” he said as he began to pour sparkling cider into my glass.
I laughed. “Sparkling cider?”
“You can’t handle your alcohol, besides, I want you fully aware tonight.”
I shook my head at his comment, but inwardly I was melting. “This is really sweet, but what’s the occasion?”
“It’s the birthday dinner I won’t be able to give you because Mitch is going to want to take you out.”
It was a statement of fact. Mitch always took Em and me out for our birthdays. “Thank you,” I said softly, looking up to meet his eyes.
“You’ll get your gift later, it hasn’t quite come yet,” Devin said, beginning to serve the food onto his plate.
“You don’t have to get me anything more, this is enough.” Though the truth was I did want something. I wanted his love. I wanted his heart.
It must have showed on my face because the next thing I knew, Devin was worried he’d done something wrong.
“Nothing’s wrong,” I tried to assure him. “It’s perfect.” You’re perfect—it’s what I wanted to say.
“Is this about earlier, on the phone?” he asked.
I smiled, remembering the events that had taken place a few hours before. “No, that was absolutely amazing. Stop worrying. I’m fine, this dinner is fine. You have nothing to fear.” I stood up and walked over to Devin and leaned down, chastely kissing him on his lips. “Thank you, Dev, for everything.” And when I say everything, I mean everything, for making me feel alive again, for making me feel whole, loved, and complete. I kissed him again, only this time he pulled me onto his lap. “I thought we were supposed to be eating.”
“I am eating,” he said as he began to kiss my neck. “Why do you always smell so good?”
“It’s the body wash,” I breathed. “Devin—”
“I’ve missed these lips,” he said as he began to kiss them. My arms wrapped around him and my hands raked through his hair. I loved his hair. I loved his lips. I loved him.