But the rest of me wanted to figure that out with him. The rest of me wanted to yank him into this room, shut my door, and lose myself in him. I knew he could help me find a way out of this. I knew he could help me dig out from underneath the rubble that had come crashing down on us.
I wanted his presence so badly, but I didn't know how to ask for it.
Things had gotten too crazy and too out of control too quickly. In the span of a few days, I'd ruined my relationship with my best friend, I'd ruined my relationship with the public, I'd ruined the reputation of my show, and I'd demolished the relationship I had with Mason.
Well, the arrangement I had with Mason.
I pulled myself out of bed and began packing up all of Emma's things. Mason wasn't calling or texting me anymore, which meant I could breathe a little easier. At least I'd made that decision easier on him. He would've left me anyway once he discovered what was wrong with me.
Discovered the secrets I was hiding.
I picked up the box full of Emma's things and lugged it all the way to my car. I drove over to her place and dropped it on her doorstep, knocking on her door before I turned to leave. The least I could do was return her things, so she could give them to whatever new friendship she developed.
I'd run out of ways to repair ours, and I simply had to admit defeat and keep going.
"Sarah? What the hell's all this?"
I stopped in my tracks when I heard her voice. I slowly turned around and saw her standing there, looking more beautiful than I'd ever seen her. She'd showered and put on makeup. She was wearing an outfit I hadn't seen her put on in quite some time. The light behind her eyes was back, and the sight of her filled me with a joy I hadn't felt in days.
"That's the stuff you had at my place," I said. "Figured you'd want it back."
"Why?" she asked.
"Because we aren't friends anymore. I figured it would be the right thing of me to give you back your stuff."
"When did I ever say we weren't friends?" she asked.
"When you stopped taking my calls, told me all my relationships failed because I was damaged, and shut out your brother," I said.
"First off, I'm sorry for all that shit I said to you. It was wrong and uncalled for, and you didn't deserve any of that. What I've been trying to tell you and Mason is that I just need time wrap my head around things. Sarah, I fucking found out from the news. Cut me a bit of slack."
"Yeah, I guess so," I said.
"Look, if you want to be with my brother, go ahead. He's a strange one, I'll give him that. But I've seen a good side of him lately, one I didn't think existed."
"What?" I asked.
"And he likes you. He's happy with you. If the two of you want to be together, I'm not going to stop you."
Her words hit me like a ton of bricks as she picked up the box off the ground. He was happy with me? What the hell did that mean?
"A good side of him?" I asked.
"I know. Seems weird, right. When all this blows over, we've got a lot to talk about," she said, grinning.
"Sounds like it," I said breathlessly. "How do you know he's happy with me?"
"Because he told me. Well, I could see it in his eyes after our mom called him out on it."
"Your mother?" I asked.
"Told you we had a lot to talk about," she said.
My mind was running at a thousand miles a second. Suddenly, I felt the desperate need to track Mason down. I was finally standing in the shoes he'd been standing in for weeks, and I felt my fingers trembling as the feeling washed over me.
I was in love with Mason.
"A word of advice?" Emma asked.
I turned my head toward her as tears flowed down my cheeks.
"Tell him your secrets. I may have already mentioned you had some serious baggage going on, and now he's curious. Plus, if you want things to work out, you've got to let him in. You haven't done that with any of the men you've ever dated. Whether I set you up with them or not. You just hold them at arm's length and let your fame do all the work. If you want it to work with him, let him in. Fully."
I felt my entire body shaking with anticipation and fear. Emma was right. I'd never let any of them in. I never told them the things I kept close to my chest. I never told them the things that kept me up at night. I never told them the source of my sadness and anger. What really fueled me to reach for the success I strived for on a daily basis.
"I know I don't know Mason well. Hell, all I've seen is what's in the headlines. But even the press has never seen him like this before. He really cares about you, Sarah. He doesn't chase women, not like he's chased you. I got a taste of his incessant perseverance when he was knocking down my door to talk with me. If he's been doing that to you for however long this has been happening, then it's serious with him," Emma said.
"Serious," I said, whispering.
"Go home and think about it," she said as she stepped back into her home. "I'll call you in a few days."
"Okay," I said mindlessly.
The entire way back home, I wondered if I should call him. The mere idea of him feeling the same way toward me filled my chest with delight. It filled so fast and sat so heavy on my lungs, I was struggling to breathe by the time I got home. I rushed up to my apartment and barreled in, immediately calling Mason on his cell phone.
And I got my first taste of what it had been like to be in his shoes for the past few weeks.
I hung up and called again, feeling my heart sink lower and lower as it kept throwing me to voice mail. I left him message after message, calling him ten or fifteen times before tears started trickling down my neck. I wanted him to pick up. I needed him to pick up. I needed to talk with him. To see him. To hear his voice even though we had that stupid fucking agreement. I needed him to knock on my door one last time.
One last time and I would let him in. For good, if that's what he wanted.
I called and I called and I called, but eventually, it didn't even ring. Eventually, it was just me and his voice mail, his voice echoing gently in my ear as I sobbed against my cell phone.
I crawled myself onto the couch and cried myself to sleep that night. I'd missed my chance with the only man I'd ever truly fallen in love with, and I was all alone.
Again.
Chapter 32
Mason
I woke up that morning to the peaceful sound of the silent countryside. I stretched my limbs, feeling the emptiness of my bed as the heaviness of my heart slowly flooded back to the forefront of my mind. I'd finally called Tony back and told him I was alive. He updated me on some things with the business and told me some shit was going down in politics, so the media shit would finally be pushed from the forefront of the news. I was glad to hear it, but just hearing her name ached my soul.
But when I reached for my phone and saw the dozens of missed calls I had from her, I began to panic.
How the fuck did I not hear the vibrating of my phone? I never missed a phone call from her. Never. I always picked up when she called. Had something gone wrong? Was something wrong with Emma?
Was something wrong with her?
I immediately called her back, and my heart leaped with joy when I heard her pick up on the other end. Her groggy voice brought a smile to my face, and I slung my legs over the edge of my bed.
"Mason?" she asked.
"The one and only," I said, grinning. "How are you feeling? Are you all right?"
"Mason, I-I need to talk with you, okay?" she asked.
"Anytime, anyplace. I'm so sorry I missed your calls. I didn't hear my phone vibrating last night."
"I talked with Emma. She told me something that I need to ask you about," she said.
"What did she say?" I asked.
"She said you cared about me. That-that you were happy with me. Is that true?"
I felt my body freeze as my eyes looked out the window. The sun was rising high in the sky, illuminating the rolling hills of green as I closed my eyes. I couldn't run from this any longer. We couldn't do this dance any longer. I was tired of it, and all I wanted to do was get it off my chest.
"Yes. It's true," I said.
"So, you're happy when you're with me?" she asked.
"Happier than I've ever been, Sarah."
"Okay," she said. "Okay. Um, are we still, you know, spending time together?"
"I fucking hope so," I said, chuckling.
"Then we need to talk. There are some things I have to tell you before we go any further. Because if we do, and the media catches wind of it, I want you hearing it from me before they dig it up and plaster it everywhere."
This must've been the baggage Emma was talking about. I felt my heart pounding in my chest as I rose to my feet. She wanted to talk. Sarah wanted to meet up and talk about all of it. I strode into the bathroom and put her on speakerphone before I started washing my face with soap.