My Abandonment(22)

"So far," she says, "you've really only described the picture. Remember, I want you to tell a story. What is happening? Are there people in this picture whom we cannot see, Caroline?"

I look at the picture on the card and I know that fighting with Miss Jean Bauer will not help me.

"There are two people inside that house who are sitting next to a fire and they're warm and maybe playing chess together. They can hear the whistle of the wind and maybe that ghost hugging down on the roof but they're safe in there. They get up and look out the window at the storm since it's scary and beautiful and everything that they need they have even if the storm keeps up. They are listening and trying to hear what the ghost is talking about and he is saying I wish I had fur all over my body and I was a person too who died and his words are all frozen and slick. Or it could be that the house is out in the storm and there are cold people lost in the snow and scared. Their feet are almost frozen off and their faces hurt from being cold and they are almost crawling because of the deep snow and one looks up at the lights and sees the house. But they see the ghosts too. Or what it is is that the first people look out, see in that window maybe that's someone looking out by the blurry curtain and see the frozen people crawling in the snow and they call out to them and maybe get a sled. By the fire their clothes melt until they can take them off and they get dry clothes. And soup. Even they can get up then and look out the window at the storm and the frozen wing in the yard."





Outside of Miss Jean Bauer's office I turn right, back toward the room with Valerie and Taffy but Miss Jean Bauer says, "No, Caroline, come this way."

We go down a long hallway, up a flight of stairs and around two corners, in a door and across a dark empty basketball court and into another hallway. I try to keep track of the turns to know the way back even if I don't want to go back.

"Wait here," she says. "One moment." She takes out a key and opens a door and goes in while I'm still in the hallway. I drink out of a water fountain and the water is so cold it hurts my teeth.

Miss Jean Bauer comes out holding something in her hand and that something is Randy. I don't say anything until he's in my hand and my fingers touch his shape that they know, the edges of his organs and his sharp ears and his numbers slightly raised up and sticky. I want to look at him but I don't want her watching me. I unbutton two buttons on my shirt and slide him inside and button it up so I can feel his plastic body against my skin there.

"Thank you," I say.

"We really want it to work out," she says. "We want to try something we haven't done before and we don't know if it will work so you'll have to help us. We can trust you to help us, right?"

"What are you talking about?" I say.

"I brought you a book to read, too," she says. "It's one I like. The first time I read it I was your age."

The book is small and blue with a dragon on it. I don't read the title since I'm watching where we're walking again, not back the way we came.

"Did anyone go back for my encyclopedias?" I say.

"I don't know," she says. "I don't think so, to be honest. I don't think you'll need them anymore."

"What?" I say.

"What would you think about going to a regular school?" she says. "In the fall, when it starts up again."

"Father can teach me," I say.

"But you can have friends your own age. Wouldn't you like that?"

"Sometimes I think so," I say, "and other times I think I wouldn't."

We pass an ax inside a glass window and a lighted machine for soft drinks. Miss Jean Bauer takes out another key and opens another door so I can go inside. She doesn't follow me.





This room is my own room. My paper and pencil and the sweater they gave me, the things from the other room have been brought into this small room. It only holds one bed and I go straight across to the window. Through it I can see over the rail-yard and all the trains and metal to the forest park. The sun is almost sliding behind it so all the thick trees are dark gray but still I know it and it's not so far away. In the morning I know the sun will be shining on it and then it will be green.

Also this window even opens, only five inches and there are metal locks but still I can breathe even if I can't get out so high above. I turn my head sideways and force it tight as far through as it will go.

"Hello," I say, softly, just in case. I close my eyes and think of the shadows in the trees and wonder again about the dogs and if they knew what they were doing and if they're sorry now.

I am not happy but I have Randy and the fresh air. I check the door and it's locked and then I sit down on the bed since there's no chair in the room. I take off my shoes and the scratchy shirt. I am getting used to the smell of the soap they give me in this building and I'm not happy that I am.