Murder With Peacocks(51)

"So they got married suddenly merely means that it surprised the hell out of everyone, where as they got married ... suddenly means at the point of Daddy's shotgun."

"Precisely. He died suddenly meant nobody expected it; he died ... suddenly means call the medical examiner; it could be homicide."

"Do you have a lot of homicide around here?" he asked.

"This summer is practically a first. That was just a hypothetical example."

"I see."

"If you listen closely for that little beat, you can start picking up all sorts of useless information. Being down here for the summer, I seem to be regaining all my lost small-town survival skills."

"Any advice for dealing with the irate mother?" he asked.

"Let Mrs. Tranh and the ladies handle it. Now that they know, I'm sure they can guesstimate what size she'll be in two weeks."

"I'm sure they can, but what if her mother starts bad-mouthing the shop all over town?"

"Don't worry about it; everyone knows being abused by that particular grand dame is a normal rite of passage for the local merchants. Besides, she and Mother loathe each other, so I'll tell Mother about it at lunch. By dinner, your side of the story will be all over town."

"I'd appreciate that. I'd hate to be responsible for running Mom's business into the ground while she's laid up. And speaking of business," he said, briskly changing tone, "let's have Mrs. Tranh get your dress."

Having seen the pictures, I thought I would be prepared for Samantha's hooped monstrosity. But I'm sure Michael and Mrs. Tranh were disappointed at the look on my face when she came trotting out with the dress and held it up.

"Oh, dear," I said.

"I'm crushed." He chuckled. "You'll break the ladies' hearts."

"Don't get me wrong. It's lovely. Lovely fabric. Wonderful workmanship."

"But not the sort of thing you'd ever think of wearing."

"Or inflicting upon an unsuspecting friend." I walked around and looked at it from another angle. "Somehow I wasn't expecting the hoops to be quite so ... enormous."

"Although my experience is limited to this summer," Michael said, "I've evolved a theory that bridesmaids' gowns are generally chosen either to make the bride look good at her friends' expense, or to force the friends to prove their devotion by having their pictures taken in a garment they are mortally embarrassed to be seen wearing in public."

"You've left out inflicting acute physical torment," I added. "Think of Eileen and her velvet and these damned corsets."

"True. When I publish the theory, I'll put you down as coauthor."

"Well, let's get this over with," I said, following Mrs. Tranh behind the dressing-room curtain.

Several of the ladies had to help me get into the dress. I made a mental note to ask Michael if we could hire some of them to help out on the wedding day. And when we finally got me into the thing, I realized that in my dismay over the enormous size of the skirts, I had failed to notice the correspondingly tiny size of the bodice.

"I feel as if I'm falling out of this," I said, more to myself than anyone else, since obviously Mrs. Tranh and the other ladies could not understand me. I twitched the neckline slightly, and Mrs. Tranh slapped my hand.

"I don't see why you don't have mirrors back here," I called out.

"So you won't be tempted to look until the ladies are satisfied it's ready," Michael called back.

So we won't run away screaming, I added, silently. The ladies finished their manipulations, and I was surrounded by their smiling, bobbing faces. Mrs. Tranh began shooing me toward the doorway.

"Well, here goes," I muttered. I swept aside the curtains, awkwardly maneuvered my hoops through the doorway, and planted myself in front of the mirror.

"Oh, my God," I gasped, and gave the neckline of the dress a few sharp upward tugs. "I really am falling out of this." Surprisingly, the dress wouldn't budge, although the neckline looked even lower and more precariously balanced in the mirror than it felt.

"The effect is historically accurate, I believe," Michael drawled. He was grinning hugely, enjoying my embarrassment.

"Sadist! I don't care if it's required by law, it's just not gonna work. I can't possibly walk around like this. Especially in church. And around drunken relatives."

"On Samantha and the others, this style gives to meager endowments a deceptive appearance of amplitude," Michael said, pedantically. "However, we may have miscalculated the effects of this amplification on your ... radically different physique. Let me talk to the ladies," he added quickly, and backed away as if he suspected how close I was to swatting at him.