I feel his hand come up to cup my breast, and suddenly I'm filled with fear, my desire wilting inside me. No, this is too fast, this is going to complicate my mission…
“Wait... wait, Jackson, please, get off,” I beg, pushing him away. “Wait... it's too fast, too fast.”
Jackson rolls, giving me space, getting off the bed and stepping back. “What's wrong?”
“Too... too fast,” I gasp, my heart racing in my chest. I'm not able to make any other words, I'm so confused. My body's tingling, and I want him so badly, but I'm afraid, my body and my heart and my head warring with each other. “Jackson... I can't. Not yet.”
He looks like he wants to protest, and my body wants him to. My body wants him to disregard my words and shove me back into the mattress and get back on top of me. But my heart is afraid. I've never let anyone in this close before, and my head is against it, knowing that if I do, my mission becomes that much harder.
He must see the confusion in my eyes, because he nods. “When you’re ready.”
Chapter 22
Jackson
It's not the ocean, but the lake is beautiful, and according to the guy I asked at the supermarket where I bought the supplies, there's no problems with snakes or alligators. The blanket we snatched from our hotel room, and Katrina carries it folded over her arm as we walk toward the shore, holding hands. “A picnic, huh?”
I shrug. “I know that I come off as a rich boy,” I say, thinking about the skirt that Katrina's put on again. She looks so fucking sexy in it. “I know that I like to make it rain sometimes, but I can enjoy the simpler things in life too, you know.”
“I know,” Katrina replies, giving me a meaningful look. “Jackson, my opinion of you has changed from a few weeks ago. Yeah, I know you still enjoy the money, but this... this is very nice, too. Come on, let's enjoy.”
Katrina spreads out the blanket while I arrange my backpack, which we filled with items grabbed from the supermarket's deli: fried chicken, potato salad, and sweet tea, with a tub of banana pudding for dessert. A certifiable Southern feast. “You're really willing to risk that stuff calling itself tea after what happened earlier with the stuff at the cafe?”
“As long as I keep telling myself it's not tea, I can live with it,” I say. “Besides, it's better for us than Coke, and you said you don't drink alcohol, right?”
“No, I never drink it by choice,” Katrina says, curling her legs underneath her. “I know, it's weird.”
I sit down and open the container of chicken. “Actually, if it doesn't cause you pain, I'd like to hear more. You've told me some, but you’re still a mystery.”
Katrina thinks, then nods. “Okay. Well, you kind of got the basics. After the bomb, I was pretty screwed up, and bounced to two foster homes before landing with Virginia. She's had her own issues, and while she never told me all the details, let's just say she had her own vendetta that she dealt with. But through her, I learned to channel my anger and frustration, to focus on what was necessary. But it also blinded me to some things as well.”
“It's fine,” I dismiss, handing her a paper plate with food on it. “Go on.”
“Well, the first thing she taught me was mental focus. I was taught to use my anger to burn away everything that wasn't focused on my goal. I was taught a meditation, one that, thinking about it now, does give me some regrets.”
“How's it go?” I ask, and Katrina shakes her head, embarrassed. “It's okay. I won't be upset, no matter what it is.”
Katrina looks at me, her light blue eyes questioning, and reaches a decision. “Okay. Here's how it goes.
There is no peace. Peace is a lie.
Freedom is a lie.
Happiness, love, and the future... are lies.
The rage is the truth. Rage gives me power.
Anger gives my power focus.
I have my target.
Rage... Power... Anger... Focus.
DeLaCoeurs... Vengeance is mine.
Pretty morbid stuff, isn't it?”
I swallow, hearing the icy rage in her voice as she repeated the mantra, and nod. “Yeah, but I understand now. After today... I understand more.”
“Well, from there I learned to let go of a lot of concerns about legality. I learned to evaluate things more on what’s moral rather than what’s strictly legal. I learned about computers as you know, and more martial arts, and the Touches... well, those you know about.” Katrina looks shy, and I love it. “I guess nothing all that useful.”
“Oh, I think one of those is useful,” I say, grinning, but I realize it’s probably not the best time. “No, but seriously, I had a silly image last night, during one of the times that I woke up, before the dream got disturbing.”