One quick glance through the sidelights around the door, and I saw that our entryway was a no-man’s-land.
It’s go time.
Slowly, I slid my key into the lock and opened it up with quiet, ninja-like movements. Once the door was shut and my back was pressed against it, I held my breath and listened for any sign that someone heard my entrance.
My high-alert ears buzzed from the silence.
Fantastic.
The first floor of our house was quiet as a mouse, and there were no signs of little—or giant—feet running around in the kitchen or living room.
I gripped my pregnant belly and slowly—in total badass stealth mode—tiptoed through the entryway, past the living room, down the hallway, and up the stairs, until I reached the nursery where I figured Thatch had laid Evie down for a nap. And since Stan had become Evie’s bodyguard, it was exactly where I needed to be.
Farther down the hall, I could hear the rumble of Thatch’s deep voice and the sounds of giggles. They were in the playroom. Which meant I needed to haul some serious ass to pull this off.
I glanced inside the crib to savor the adorable vision of the little beauty that was Kline and Georgia’s youngest daughter. She was sound asleep and holding her favorite little pink bunny close to her chest. Between Evie’s cute little dimples and big blue eyes, there was no denying that my best friend and Big-dick made gorgeous babies.
Below the crib sat Stan with his big brown eyes staring up at me in curiosity. Behind him, lay Walter—aka Satan—curled into a little ball and sawing logs.
I glanced at Evie and then back down at Stan.
Okay, I have to be honest here. Initially, I thought I’d just sneak into the house and scare the ever-loving marshmallow fluff out of Thatch, but pregnancy has stolen a bit of my quickness.
Then, I’d thought maybe I’d sneak Evie out of the house for a little bit—like ten minutes max—just to make Thatch feel what I’d felt when he acted like he didn’t have Ace.
But I’d realized pretty quickly that I couldn’t be that evil. Not even pregnant and hopped up on hormones could I put my husband through even a second of that.
Plus, there’s that whole CP&P thing. Yeah, that’s no bueno.
So, that leaves Stan or Walter.
Which, obviously, means Stan.
I grabbed Stan’s leash out of Evie’s diaper bag and clipped it to his collar.
“Walk?” I whispered to him. “Would you like to go for a walk, big guy?”
He tilted his head to the side and stared at me for a quiet moment.
“Come on, buddy.” I tugged on his leash and continued to whisper in hopes I wouldn’t wake up the baby or the demon cat. “Evie’s sound asleep. She’ll be just fine. Let’s go outside and play for a little bit.”
Stan still wasn’t convinced, and I knew I had to move quickly before his evil feline boyfriend woke up and started giving his best impression of a satanic possession.
It would only take ten seconds of that cat hissing and freaking the fluff out before Thatch would hear a commotion coming from the nursery.
I moved toward the diaper bag again and found his third favorite thing—a neon yellow tennis ball. I gripped it in my hand and held it up for him to see. Instantly, he lumbered to his feet, and that’s when I realized that old Stan really was the size of a horse.
Jesus. How am I going to get this giant dog out of the house without Thatch noticing? I also kind of have to pee, which I obviously can’t do here, and having ole Stan along for the ride is going to make going inside the gas station a whole lot harder too. But that doesn’t matter right now, I told myself. I can, like, give him a bag of Doritos or something while I’m performing the dreaded gas station pit stop on the way into the city.
But now, I had to execute the hardest part of the prank: the getaway.
Luckily, Stan appeared to be on the same page, slowly trotting his giant ass beside me as I walked toward the door of the nursery.
“Daddio!” Ace’s voice echoed down the hallway, and I startled, stopping midstep. Stan looked up at me, and I just held my index finger to my lips and whispered, “Shh.” He tilted his doggie head but obliged. Maybe he spoke human.
“Catch me, Daddio!” Ace shouted, Julia’s giggles trailing closely behind.
“Catch us, Uncle T!” Julia’s little voice screamed in excitement.
Uh-oh…
“I’m coming for you little monsters!” Thatch boomed. “You better find the perfect hiding spots!”
The giggles kept moving toward me, and moments later, Ace stood in the doorway of the nursery. His eyes went big, wide, and excited when he spotted me.
“Shh,” I whispered toward him with my finger still pressed to my lips. “Don’t tell Daddio that Mommy is here, okay?”