“I’m sorry,” we both said at the same time.
I laughed nervously and he smiled.
“No, let me, please,” I begged, putting my hand lightly on his knee, then realizing what I’d done and pulling it back.
“I’m sorry I freaked out on you and ran.” I sucked in a deep breath of air and tried to calm myself. “I hope this isn’t sharing too much, but I want to tell you why I reacted the way I did. I learned in counseling that if I bottle stuff in, I get stressed out, and being stressed out will lead to drinking, and I’m working really hard not to let that happen, so please … bear with me.”
At Luke’s nod I continued, “Before Ricky I was only with one other guy, in high school, and, Ricky and I were together for twelve years when he died. I thought we were going to be together forever, but obviously, things happen and I don’t have him in my life anymore. Physically, that is, but he’ll always be in my heart.”
“Of course,” Luke said, bringing his hand to mine and squeezing, then leaving it there in a gesture of comfort.
“I’ve slept with one guy since he died,” I admitted, keeping eye contact with Luke even though I really wanted to look away.
“I don’t need to,” he started, but I stopped him by asking, “Please?”
Luke indicated that I should go on, so I did. “I’m sorry, I’m sure you don’t need to hear about my sex life, but it’s relevant … I promise.”
I gathered my courage once more and said, “I was hanging out with Ginger and we were talking about how long it had been since I’d been intimate with someone. I decided to have a one-night stand. I’d never had one before, and I was lonely. I missed having that physical connection with someone. And that’s all it was, a physical connection. And it was fine. One night and nothing more, and I didn’t feel guilty about it initially, because it wasn’t emotional. I knew I’d never see the guy again. I did feel bad about it later, but not to the extent that I felt today.”
I turned my hand under his and held on tightly.
“With you today, I felt immediately guilty. Horribly so … I couldn’t take it, so I ran. I felt a connection with you back in Vegas, and it’s only gotten stronger the more we’ve gotten to know each other. I think I had such a strong reaction to kissing you because, with you, it isn’t just physical. It’s emotional, physical, and chemical. I like you, I like your son, and I like living and working on your ranch. The way I felt when you kissed me scared me, and it felt like the feelings I had were a betrayal to Ricky, and to our marriage.”
I blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall and searched his beautiful face, hoping for understanding.
“I know it isn’t rational, and you may be thinking it was just a kiss and I’m totally overreacting, but I need to be open and honest with you.”
Luke cleared his throat, and gave me the understanding that I needed.
“I don’t think you’re overreacting. Although I’ve only been with a handful of women, I’m not a monk, and I don’t fault you for having needs, so please don’t feel like you need to be ashamed about sharing your past with me. Look, Belle, I can’t say I’m sorry that I kissed you, because that would be a lie. I’ve wanted to kiss you since you opened that door at the strip club and came strutting inside. I’m sorry you felt guilty about what we shared, because that wasn’t my intention. I’ve held off kissing you because I know you’re in a fragile state, and I don’t want to take advantage of that, but when we were standing there this morning, and you licked your lips, I just couldn’t control myself. Please know that I’ll never ask you to give me something you aren’t ready for.”
I breathed a sigh of relief and flexed my fingers against his hand.
“Thank you.”
“I don’t know what to tell you about Ricky, or your guilt over your marriage, just know that I understand, and I’ll never try to take his place in your heart.” Luke paused and let go of my hand, and the determination that came over his face made the sweet feelings I’d gotten at his last statement, disintegrate. “I do like you, Belle, but you work and live in my house, with my son, so I think we need to take care with everyone’s feelings here. I’ll keep my lips to myself, unless you tell me otherwise. Okay?”
I said okay and stood, thanking him for taking the time to see me. It felt almost like having an out-of-body experience. I was torn between feeling grateful that he’d been so understanding, and disappointed that he didn’t say to hell with it all and have his way with me on the couch.