How am I going to convince him I’m okay, and keep a calm and supportive face when I’m dying inside? It’s not fair, I’m not ready for him to go, but the last thing he needs is to worry about me. I was stunned that they could pull another fast one on him. First pulling him back into deployment, and now this? How does this even happen?
He told me that things can shift by days, weeks, and months, it was just the way it was. Nothing was certain. You either had to hurry up and wait, or move now without warning. He seemed detached explaining it, but I guess he had to deal with his own feelings about leaving again. I wondered if he’d shut down on me or get more emotional. I didn’t have a clue how I’d keep my feelings in check.
It wasn’t if he would leave, but when. Not knowing only left me on edge, knowing the date may shift again. I prayed if it did, it shifted back, not forwards.
My feelings were mixed up beyond belief. I didn’t know if I was more depressed over the impeding loneliness or angry that he was being ripped out of my life. I went back and forth and could never settle on one feeling. It was tiresome, and felt like some damn rollercoaster ride. In one moment I made peace with it, and the next I would question everything, trying to find a way to outsmart the system. It was pointless, he was going, and I’d have to deal with that.
At most I’d get a letter or some video chat time with him for a few minutes here and there, and that would have to be enough, for an entire flipping year. What is that?
Maybe something will change, I mean, he got pulled in at the last minute. Maybe they’ll find somebody else to fill the gap in the roster. I mean, he was just over there; this has to be a mistake. If he calls, asks, explains… I stopped myself. I was looking for that loophole that just wasn’t there.
Maybe there will be some R&R in there, and then I’ll see him again. At least I’ll get to hold him, feeling him against me. Shit, I can’t do this. I can’t do this…it’s not fair. I desperately wanted my brain to turn off – but it taunted me daily, dangling between anger and depression.
I tried to keep a positive outlook when he was around; he had bigger things to worry about, like his life. He’d need focus, not some weepy girlfriend. He was putting himself out there, risking it all, and I needed to suck it up and present a strong front.
The weirdest part of it all was that my life would continue on exactly the same. Time wasn’t standing still. I’d go to work, have a birthday (alone), run, eat dinner; only he wouldn’t be doing it with me. Distraction was going to be crucial if I was going to get through this.
I beat the topic to death in my mind and wished I’d stop obsessing over the details. But it was hovering a good deal of the time.
Heather, Scott, and Austin helped me with the questions I had. As the days closed in on us, Austin would be scheduled to leave his home base and head out. It was excruciating, realizing he wouldn’t be here with me.
Every minute was precious, and I dragged him to bed every chance I got. My insides were a mess, and just as we thought he had to leave, his orders were pushed back for a couple of days, and we went through our feelings all over again.
Heather’s pregnancy was moving along, and thankfully other than some bruising after the accident, both her and the baby got a clean bill of health. The airbag saved them from more severe injuries. I realized Austin would be gone for the birth of their child. It made me sad, but realized military life means you can’t guarantee you’ll be there. I was grateful Heather would have Scott by her side, and prayed he wouldn’t get called back to active duty overseas.
Chapter 18
The time was here. The moment had arrived and I couldn’t deny it any longer. Soon Austin would be walking out the door. I refused to believe anything would happen to him, and knew he’d come home to me. He was laying his life on the line, but I kept faith he’d be back in my arms one day.
I took off from work the two days before he left to spend every second with him.
I wanted everything to be perfect, romantic, and special. I wanted to give him memories to hold onto. I needed him to know I’d be waiting when he returned. I also needed him to know how much I love him, and that I wanted nothing more than the two of us to remain a strong and bonded couple not only before his tour, but after as well. He could count on me, and at least I could give him that tiny peace of mind.
When Austin came by, there were so many unspoken words between us. I walked around lighting the small candles I’d set up all over. “I want to spend the next two days in bed,” I whispered. “We’ll call out for pizza, whatever, but I need to absorb every single detail about you that I can.”