He was wearing my favorite jeans and that snug gray t-shirt that clung to his chest. It broke my heart seeing him there and hearing him laugh. I realized he’d gotten on with his life and seemed to be doing okay. It stung a little bit, but I was glad he wasn’t hurting. What was the point in both of us being miserable?
I watched him lean towards Jake, and then the hostess. He was leaving, they’d go elsewhere. Everything inside of me was buzzing, an ache running through me. I was shaking deep inside, though it wasn’t visible. My face went flush, and I wanted to cry seeing his face again. I missed him so much. I love him, I still love him. I hated myself for letting go.
As they were about to walk out the door, Austin changed his mind. He turned around and made his way over to our table. No, not here, not now…
I felt shame run through me, and the closer he got, the more I wanted to disappear. It was too late, he was on a mission. Shit.
“Is this really what you want?” He said pointing to Nick.
“She’s ready to date a real man again. She came crawling back to me, since you apparently weren’t man enough to keep her.”
“Nick, stop,” I said, not wanting him to make matters any worse. My heart was breaking, and I desperately wanted to reach out and hold him, tell him I still loved him, but I knew it was too late.
Austin shook his head, “Disgusting.” He turned and started to walk away.
I couldn’t help my reaction, it all happened so fast. I jumped up, “Austin, wait…”
He put his hand up, “Don’t bother,” he said and walked out.
Nick was somewhere between amused and angry. “Are you using me to get back at lover boy?”
I shook my head. “I’m just trying to move forward.” I dropped my head. “Can we just leave?”
Nick shook his head, “You’re something else, princess.” His tone was less than delightful.
“Forget it, I’ll get a cab,” I said standing up.
“Whoa, hold your horses; I didn’t say I wouldn’t take you home. Just chill out, relax a little bit. When I finish my dinner, I’ll take you home.”
“Thank you,” I said quietly, staring at the food on my plate. I had no appetite left. Everything inside of me felt like it curled up and died. Seeing Austin again brought it all back, made my wounds feel fresh, and there was nothing I could do but sit it out and wait to heal.
“I’m going to give you a little bit of advice,” he started, “not that you’ll take it.”
“Great,” I said rolling my eyes.
“Give it time, you’ll heal. Look at me, I felt the sting of our break up, and it took me awhile to move on, but I did. Well, until you called me, and I’ll admit, I was hoping for a little booty call after dinner, I mean, we do have some chemistry in the sack,” he went on, “but I see now that wasn’t your intention.”
I looked at him and said nothing.
“I’m not the enemy. You called me,” he reminded. “I’m just saying you’ll get over him, it just takes time.”
I excused myself to the bathroom and sat in a stall crying quietly. I had to get it out of my system, everything hurt, emotionally and physically in this particular moment. I felt like someone seared me with a dagger, and stuck their hand into my body, yanking out my heart.
After a few minutes, I collected myself and went back to the table. The waitress was dropping off the check, and I knew I’d be out of there soon. I had to get home, had to be alone and think. Not like thinking would change the obvious, but I needed to clear my mind. I was in a dark place.
Driving me home, Nick listed a handful of reasons why sex would make this all better. I thanked him for his time, but told him I just wasn’t feeling it. Amazingly, he didn’t try to push himself on me, and wasn’t a total ass. He simply said that he was around if I wanted to give things another try in the future.
With my key in the door, I knew I’d be able to unwind in the privacy of my home. All I wanted was to be alone. Closing the door behind me, I tossed my keys and purse on the table. Kicking my shoes off as I walked through the living room, I found my way to my bed and stripped my clothes off. Climbing into bed, I snuggled in and closed my eyes. The pain was so real, so excruciating, and I couldn’t turn it off. My mind wouldn’t let up, that first look between us, his coming over, walking out…and then he was gone. I did this, there was nobody else to blame but me.
The knock came the following morning. I’d slept in, and it was easily past eleven. I quickly dressed, not knowing who to expect. Dragging myself to the door, I checked out the peep hole. What the hell, I wasn’t expecting anyone. I hoped Nick wasn’t back looking for last night’s sex, because I was in no mood.