This is a mistake. I need to fix this. I need to do something before it’s too late. Eventually drifting off to sleep, I lost track of my thoughts.
Chapter 13
I sat in my misery for three weeks. Heather let me know that Scott checked in with Austin, but out of loyalty to his friendship, she said she didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with me. It was an awkward place to be, between two friends, and she didn’t want to find herself choosing sides. I couldn’t blame her.
I knew it wasn’t smart, but I was miserable, and I turned back to the comfort of what I once knew. Heather would be pissed, but I sent a text to Nick. I didn’t know how else to get past this void I had deep inside. I felt foolish even sending a message, but once I hit send, I knew I couldn’t take it back.
“Hey,” I wrote, not saying much more.
I got a reply eventually, “Ready to date a real man again?” I should have known he’d make some arrogant statement.
I rolled my eyes. Why am I even doing this? I shouldn’t go there, not again. He was more of a burden than a relief, and yet I didn’t know who else to turn to. I was desperately trying to chase away the ghost of my past with another ghost. I hated myself as I sent the next text.
“What are you doing this weekend?” This is a mistake, I heard the words over and over in my head, and yet I continued the conversation. Give it more time Kate, don’t do this, you’ll regret it.
“I might be able to make time for you.” I got back.
Crap, what am I doing? I should stop.
“Are you there?” His message poked at me, and I knew I had to answer.
“Maybe dinner?” My mind raced through our past, and I knew this wasn’t a good idea, but I sent it anyway. I desperately needed to numb my pain and move forward.
“Saturday, eight.”
“Okay.” I felt sick to my stomach. What was I doing? I’d end up having dinner with him, he’d want more, and I’d probably go there with him, just so I didn’t have to feel the pain I was in any longer. Shit, I screwed up. I should cancel…but I didn’t. I was lonely, still reeling from my break-up, and maybe just maybe I could put a temporary band-aid over it and make it go away for a little while.
“I’ll pick you up then.” He replied, and I could almost feel him gloating.
Last time I saw him, he was drunk and lunging for Austin. And now here I was asking to see him. I felt like an asshole. I didn’t respond. I just stared at the message. I was numb.
I almost forced myself to cancel, but when it came down to it I was single, I was lonely, and I had nobody else to comfort me. I kept the plans.
When he showed up at my door that weekend, I pasted on my best smile, though my eyes were dull. I told him it was nice to see him, and that things didn’t work out with my other boyfriend. I felt like a douche.
He was a little too hands on, and I let him kiss my cheek, but I wasn’t ready to jump back into anything more at the moment. In fact, I didn’t even want to go out with him, but I had nothing better to do and no other offers currently.
I knew he’d want to sleep with me, and I didn’t know how to handle that. We had history, and the sex was good, but I just wasn’t feeling anything for him. I’ll admit it; I was using him to make myself feel better. I knew it was wrong, but didn’t know what else to do anymore.
We went to a little barbecue joint down on the main drag. I hadn’t been there in awhile, and it was a nice change of pace. They had a warm atmosphere, country music played in the background, and the wooden booths were dotted with red cushions across the bench seats.
Talking over dinner, Nick filled me in on his latest work gossip. He had to hold the conversation, because I wasn’t my usual chatty self. I felt empty. Nick seemed oblivious and fell right back into our old pattern like we’d never split up and gone our own ways.
It felt weird sitting here with him again. It’s not that we’d been super serious; it’s just that we always ended up back together having sex when we had nothing better to do. I didn’t see a future with Nick, but he seemed to fill the void time to time. He was a convenience, and a bad habit I needed to kick. I was reaching out for comfort, trying to get over the man I loved. Austin was still on my mind constantly, but I had to move on.
I heard his laugh before I saw him. My heart dropped into my stomach, and as I turned around to look, there stood Austin and Jake about to be seated a few tables away. He glanced over and realized it was me. His eyes locked onto my own. It happened in a split second, and yet everything felt like slow motion. I didn’t know what to do - I froze.