Getting out of the car, I took a deep breath. I guess it was now or never, knowing if the tension had truly passed. Unlocking the door, he didn’t linger as close as he usually does, and it concerned me. I felt like there was unresolved conflict, though it wasn’t spoken. We might have made our peace, but it was still in the air. I knew it would just take time, but patience wasn’t my strong suit.
“Can we talk for a little while?” I said grabbing a couple of drinks out of the fridge for us.
“Sure,” he obviously wasn’t rushing to get to the bedroom. But was it fair to expect him to? Truthfully, I wasn’t feeling amorous either, but knowing he didn’t want me in that moment still hurt. I hated the awkwardness between us.
“I’m not sure how this will all work out. I mean, we’ve gotten to the point where we care a great deal about each other, have admitted to feeling love, and yet there are a few things we’ve never talked about. We seem to skirt around issues that might leave us uneasy. Maybe we should look at and maybe even tackle a few of them. Honestly, I’m still concerned about you going away, and how that might change us as a couple. How can it not?”
He stood, his hands in his pockets, looking like a little boy. “I hate stuff like this.”
“I do too, but I figure we might as well deal with it now, since there’s tension in the air.”
Nodding, he sat. “Fine, I guess now is as good as any other time.”
“Austin, the thing is - I do love you. I think I’m scared you’ll be gone an entire year. That’s a long time. How do we know we’ll be strong enough to go that length of time without faltering? What if we fall out of love, not seeing each other? How will we communicate? Will we even be able to? This is a new relationship, and we’re still in the honeymoon phase where everything is all peachy, and yet we’re promising to span an entire year together – in separate places. I’m not saying I don’t want to, but it sort of scares me.”
“I don’t want to do this if you won’t be faithful. I can’t handle going through that again. If you think you’ll want to date, see other people, than you need to tell me. Not once I’m over there and depending on you to be at home waiting on me – but before I go. Don’t put me through that. If on the other hand we weather this and get through it together, we’ll know we can handle anything.”
“I’m afraid of being lonely,” I admitted, “or you falling out of love with me. Like, here I am waiting all this time, and then you come home and don’t even want me. So it would be like I wasted all this time for nothing.”
“I’m loyal, down to the core. If I’m with you, I’m with you. And it’s not like I’ll be out picking up women in the sandbox over there. Trust me; it’s hardly fun and games. We’re out on assignment, patrolling villages, hoping to get a shower time to time, and hoping we don’t get shot at. Other women are the last thing on my mind, trust me.”
“I’m afraid of losing you, losing this relationship, and yet a year is a long time,” I sighed. The word year seemed so innocent, but in reality it meant 365 days – and that sounded a heck of a lot longer than simply a year. And yet they were the same. It was weird how something could feel okay one moment, and then completely daunting the next. Unfortunately, I had the bad habit of over analyzing everything to death.
“It’s a long time for me too,” he said, “and I understand your concerns, but I’m hoping you’ll think I’m worth it in the end.”
“You’re worth it,” I whispered. “You’re so worth it,” I leaned across and climbed onto his lap, wrapping my hands behind his neck, interlocking my fingers. I placed a tender kiss on his lips, and decided at that moment, I was in – regardless of what happened. Austin was my future, I was sure of it – I think. I hoped.
Words were spoken, but I think a lot more weren’t. We both sat licking our wounds from earlier, wondering if our future was carved out for us, or if we’d fall apart sooner than later.
I want to say we rushed off and had incredible make up sex, but the truth is we didn’t. The lust wasn’t there, what was left was simply an over abundance of emotion, wondering what the future held for us. I wondered if he would hold a grudge. My gut told me he would, but who knew really? I just feared things would take awhile getting back to normal.
Later that night, I was on the phone with Heather. We got the baby talk about of the way first, and then entered into new territory.
“Why do you think you’re so insecure? You have nothing to worry about, Austin is crazy about you,” she assured, “at least according to Scott.”