What the fuck did I just do?
It's been years. Five, to be exact—since I saw that look in her eyes.
The same look she had when I saw her in the laundry room at her house after her mom's funeral. It was the calm before the storm—only this time, there was no storm. No breaking of the dam. Back then, I wanted to be the reason for that calm look in her eyes. And now I am—but it was the wrong kind.
I should have been the calm. Not the reason.
I slump back in my chair, wondering how the fuck I'm going to fix this.
"Her dad isn't paying for your scholarship," Mom says quietly. "The first year was genuine, Bradman gave you that scholarship fair and square. The year after, they wanted to pull it. It wasn't beneficial for them. Tom knew—he came to us—offered to pay for it." My gaze lifts, trying to focus on her. "I wouldn't accept it, Cameron. And I knew you wouldn't either. So I sold the house and went to Bradman, I asked him to say it came from them, because I knew you wouldn't accept it from me. They said they would do it if you worked there. I didn't know, Cam. I didn't know that it was going to be too much for you, and that you'd turn into this." She sniffs and wipes her tears, then turns to Mark. "I'm going to try to catch Lucy, she needs a mother right now."
There's a stabbing pain. Right in my heart. I want it to hurt—more than it does. I deserve to feel the pain.
Mark—he just shakes his head, a look of disgust on his face. "When did you become an asshole?"
And then he gets up, and he leaves.
Everyone leaves.
A familiar figure holding a tray comes into my vision. She starts clearing the table. I slouch in my chair, kick my legs out, and tilt my head back, eyeing the ceiling. "I fucked up, Amanda."
She doesn't respond, just continues clearing the table.
I sit up now, trying to compose myself. "I've lost her and I don't think I'll ever get her back."
She freezes mid movement, and then faces me, her eyes filled with tears. "At least you know why, Cameron. I didn't even get that."
CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
-CAMERON-
After everyone left I sat at the bar and drank until I could no longer feel my face. Amanda ignored me the entire time. She hates me too.
I wanted to call Lucy but I had no phone. And I doubt she'd answer.
I think, Ethan, Amanda's brother, who was there watching over her, gave me a ride home. I say I think, because I don't really remember.
I ended up at her room, knocking louder than I should. Rose answered, but she told me she hadn't been home all night.
Now, I'm sitting at my cubicle at the firm with my head on the desk and my arms covering it, trying to drown in my own self-pity and sorrow.
"Hey C-Money."
I grunt in response.
"I drove your car back, how you feelin'?"
My head's pounding. My body aches. My heart is dead. I try to reply, but all I can do is moan.
"Heads up," she says.
But I'm slow to react, and then Lucy's voice fills my ears. "Cameron."
My head lifts. My eyes snap to her. And all of a sudden I'm alert. I know my heart’s alive again because it's hammering so hard, so fast. "Babe," I croak.
She smiles. That same fake fucking smile from last night. And from the days after her mom died.
Roxy shifts from her leaning position on my desk. "I'm gonna go," she says slowly.
"No," Lucy cuts in. It's fast. Too fast. She's afraid to be alone with me. "It's okay, Roxy, stay." Her eyes move to me. "I just came to give you the key to the cabin and bring your stuff from my dorm."
Only now do I see her holding a box. All my shit's in there, including the folio where she kept all my sketches. My sketches of her. My heart.
She continues, "I cleared out the room overnight, so I wanted to give it to you."
Fuck.
The burning in my chest is so strong I feel like I'm going to burst.
I stand up and clear my throat. "I thought we were leaving on Sunday?"
She smiles again. I've never hated a smile so much in my entire fucking life. "I know that you wanted to stay at the cabin because you felt awkward staying at Mark's house." That was a lie. I didn't care where I stayed, but I wanted to be with her. Alone. I wanted her to myself so I made it up.
"I told my dad you were gonna be there. I haven't told him what happened, so you don't have to be uncomfortable."
Even though I know the worst is happening, still, I ask, "What do you mean what happened?"
Fuck her fake smile. Fuck it all.
She sets the box on my desk, and the key next to it. "I gotta go," she sighs, looking down at the floor. "Micky's in her car waiting." Her gaze lifts. Her eyes bore into mine. "She's taking me to the airport, Cameron."