Lachlan laughs and jumps on Lucas's back.
A second later, we're alone.
Just him and me.
And a shitload of unsettled emotions.
He wipes his cheeks with the back of his hand before facing me. Jerking his head to the door, he asks, "Outside?"
*
We sit at the outdoor tables just outside the play center. "How are you?" he asks, his voice strained.
"Okay."
He shakes his head slowly. "This isn't awkward at all."
"Yeah."
It's silent as he stares straight ahead.
"You wanted to talk?" I ask him.
He drops his head and turns to me. "Yeah, but it just seems stupid now."
"Oh."
"Not—I don't mean talking to you is stupid, I just mean—" his sigh cuts him off. Then he shoves his hand in his pocket and pulls out a piece of paper.
I gasp.
"No, it's not—" he shakes his head quickly. "It's not a sketch. I still haven't been able to pick up a pen."
A frown pulls at my lips.
He unfolds the paper and sets it on the table in front of me. I peel my eyes away from him and look down. It's a newspaper article with a picture of him and a man shaking hands in front of the ballpark near campus. The headline; UNC STUDENT WOWS CITY COUNCIL JUDGES. "What is this?" I ask, my eyes scanning the words.
"You know how you used to always tell me to enter competitions—to show people what I can do?"
"You entered a design?"
He nods. "Yeah, the city council ran this competition to design a playground in that empty lot near the ballpark. And I won, Luce."
An overwhelming sense of pride consumes me. I cry—but it's so different to the thousand tears I've shed recently.
"I'm sorry," he sympathizes, "I didn't mean to make you cry."
I shake my head, my tears in full force. And then I look up at him. He licks his lips, his eyes searching mine. "They're good tears, Cameron. I'm just so proud of you."
He laughs once. "Thanks. Honestly, I'm proud of myself. I didn't think I had a chance."
"But your work is so good. And I'm so glad that you put yourself out there, because now you know—maybe now you can believe in yourself."
"Like you did?"
I wipe my eyes and nod.
"I just wanted you to know, Lucy—because I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you and your dad, steering me in the right direction—encouraging me, believing in me." He sniffs back the tears I know he's hiding. "I just wanted to say thank you."
I look back down at the article. "Can I keep this?"
"Of course," he laughs. "Mom kind of went crazy and ordered dozens of copies of that newspaper. She's mailed it out to almost everyone she knows."
I laugh at his words. "She's just proud of you, Cameron. I can't wait to show my dad. He'll be so excited for you. When did you enter?"
"A couple weeks before you left for New Jersey."
"Oh." I fold up the article and pocket it.
"So," he starts, and then cuts himself off.
"So?"
He inhales deeply, like he's building the courage to say what he says next. "There was a prize for the winner—it's kind of the reason why I entered. It was five thousand dollars cash."
I'm smiling. Genuine. For the first time in so damn long. "That's amazing!"
"Yeah..."
"What are you gonna do with the money?"
"That's the thing, Luce. I entered hoping to win because... fuck. This is so hard."
"What's hard?"
"All of it. Everything. Talking to you. Being this close and not being able to touch you. Trying to speak to you... but it's like... I second guess everything I'm saying because—"
"Cam," I interrupt. "What did you have planned if you won?"
He pinches the bridge of his nose and then lets out a little groan. "I looked into housing on campus. For us, Luce. I thought maybe we could get an apartment together. If I take that money and the money I saved over summer we can get one, just for a semester, but it's a start. And we wouldn't have to even room together. I looked at the two bed, two bath ones. You can have your own room. I just thought..."
I stare down at the table, crying harder with every single word he speaks. Nothing's changed. My feelings about him are still the same. So are my feelings for him. I love him. Which is why I say quietly, "I can't, Cameron."
"Yeah," he breathes out. He turns away, his shoulders heaving with each breath. "I didn't think so. I had to ask anyway."
The ache in my chest is suffocating. "Cameron." He flinches when I touch his arm.
I stand up, not wanting to say goodbye, because I won't be able to live through it. "Will you do something for me?"