“God that is so awful.” I said through my strangled cries. “Who would say that to their kid? I’m so sorry. I know that sorry doesn’t help, but I’m your friend and will always be your friend. I promise. I’ll be your family. You don’t need those sorry ass holes.”
“I have to finish this story. I have to get it out.” He shouted into the air at nobody.
“I’m listening.”
“His words cut me like a knife, so that’s what I did. I cut myself that same night on my wrist. My intention was not to kill myself, but to just get his attention. It didn’t work. He had told the hospital that I was a threat to myself and society so they placed me in a different facility much like this one. I did my ninety days and the day I was leaving, no one showed up to take me home. No one cared or even pretended to care. That’s when I realized that I was alone and I would be alone forever. It has been a year since I last saw my parents and the people I called my friends. I never went back.”
“But you said that you finished treatment. Why are you here?”
“Just because I finished doesn’t mean that I healed. Since I left the last facility I have not had a steady home. I only had my clothes from home and nothing else. I know I dress well, but these are my clothes from home. My mom would always make sure I looked good. I had an image to upkeep. I’m surprised that she packed them for me when they sent me away. I guess she thought that I could at least be warm while I lived on the streets. I have practically been homeless and this is my fourth time in treatment. The hospital sends me every time.” He pulled up his shirt sleeves to reveal the scars on his arms. There were so many and they were all so deep. It’s painful to see them. I used my hands to touch his arm. I felt like he needed someone to know that they were there and that they were just scars. He pulled back at my touch and for the first time I felt what everybody else had felt with my flinching. It was a disgusting feeling and it broke my heart.
“They don’t make you any less beautiful, Johnny.” I told him and hoped that he would believe me, but he got up and paced the floor again.
I can’t believe that I have a family at home who loves me and I tried to kill myself. This boy has no one, and he is desperate for love. I put my head in my hands and just cried. I cried for Johnny who desperately needed love, and for my parents who loved me enough to help me get better, and for Moon who I have loved forever, and for his dad who took away my innocence. I prayed that one day, that would be the thing that made me the strongest. How could I be such an ignorant fool? I see it so clearly now. It took this boy’s gut wrenching story for me to see just how good I had it. I could heal and get better. “Okay,” I stood up. “Make me better. I need to do this for me and for you, because when I get out of here I am taking you with me.”
“What are you talking about, Sunshine?”
“You are coming with me. Well technically, you will be out of here before me, but you can’t go far. I will take you home with me. My family will love you and no one will judge you and we can continue getting better together. Now, whatever treatment you’ve got planned for me, let’s get started.”
He wrapped his arms around me so tightly that I couldn’t breathe. It was the best hug I had gotten in a very long time, and I didn’t want to admit it, but I needed it. He did too. We stood there, wrapped in each other’s arms, and we cried together. Through his mumbled words I swear I heard I love you and I said it back. For the first time in a long time I told someone that I loved them and I meant it with my whole heart. I wouldn’t take it back or change it for the world.
21
Moon
Wednesday March 8th
Dear Shine Baby,
I can’t believe it has already been a week that you have been gone. I miss you every day. I wonder if you actually read my letters or if you are throwing them away. I hope you just have them tucked away somewhere and are planning to read them real soon.
I forgot to tell you that Mrs. Vail gave me tons of extra credit for her class, and even though I may only wind up with a D, I’m still going to pass. Can you believe it? No tutor needed for me. Hopefully the two of us will actually have use for all this damn French one day. I know how bad you want to travel and I can’t wait to take you.
I have been waiting to tell you because I know you don’t like talking about my dad, but momma and I have to meet with some attorney from dad’s firm about his will. Turns out he thought about us after all, or at least I think he did. We’ll see. Wish you were here with me, and that I didn’t have to go alone. I mean I know I will have momma but it’s not the same. I guess I will let you know how it turns out.