“You coming?”
I didn’t respond but I followed him. At least if I was the newbie, it would help if I knew somebody. When we walked into the dining room, there were already several people there. I thought about turning around and going back to my bedroom without eating but I had to eat sometime, right? No time like the present.
“It’s like a band aid, just rip it off quickly. These people all have their own skeletons. They don’t give a shit about yours.” My head snapped at his comment. It was harsh, but true. I guess I hadn’t thought about the others. I had only thought about myself and how they would react to me. Never once had I thought about them as if they had problems. I assumed I was the only one. Even with that in mind I still felt uncomfortable, and I had the sweaty palms to prove it.
“Food line is this way. Come on.”
I fixed myself a salad and grabbed a bottle of water before taking the seat across from Bradley. He would glance at me every now and again over his plate of food, but we never really had a conversation. As we were finishing up, I finally mustered up enough courage to speak. What came out didn’t quite sound like English and earned me a laugh. I laughed too. I couldn’t help it. The first coherent words I tried to speak and I sounded like a mental patient. Literally! People were staring so I tried to find my composure, but these people had no idea how bad I needed to laugh. Finally, I felt like I could speak again.
“Shine.” I said and he gave me a weird look. Of course I had a long awkward pause after I said my name. I guess I was automatically expecting him to know that was my name.
“Hola, Dora the Explorer. The pause you just gave was frightening and I’m afraid I am going to need help from Backpack, because I have no damn clue what the hell Shine is?”
I spit my water all over him, and I’m pretty sure it also came out of my nose. This boy was hilarious, and just what I needed. He wiped his face and I apologized once again. It was becoming a habit around him. I couldn’t believe how much he had helped me in so little time, and he was a boy. A boy… It’s scary to think about, but I realize that it’s easier for me to share conversation with someone who knows nothing of my past. I could easily fool him. I had built these walls around my heart and promised myself that no one here would be able to enter. I wanted to do this for myself and by myself. It doesn’t hurt to have someone to talk to in the mean time, and did I mention he is a boy. I might get better after all.
16
Moon
It has been twenty four hours since Shine has been in the facility. Only twenty four, long, excruciating hours and I hate it already. She needs to come home. This can’t be good for her. She must be scared and all alone. I know I am. What if she couldn’t sleep or what if she had another one of those spells where she blacks out? Who will help her?
I was officially driving myself crazy. I tried to stay busy helping Momma, but that didn’t help. Don’t get me wrong, she really put me to work. It’s just, everything I did for her was piss poor, and my mind stayed with Shine. I couldn’t function under the pressure. There was so much I wanted to say to her. I hadn’t spoken to her at all since she tried to kill herself and I had questions that I felt she needed to answer. Besides that, it had been too long since we have actually had a normal conversation. That was such a big part of the reason that I couldn’t recover from everything. She was the person I told everything too. I know I have other friends and my mom but I don’t tell them the things that I used to be able to tell her.
That is when I realized that I could talk to her. I would just have to write her a letter. I could write one every day and tell her about my day and make sure she knows how much I still care. This way she could still have me in her heart and she wouldn’t have to look at me. I would do it. It was worth it to me to get some things off my chest and maybe someday she would write me back.
Wednesday March 1st
Dear Shine Baby,
This morning I had Pop Tarts for breakfast and I thought of you. I know how much you love the strawberry ones. I only ate one out of the pack and saved the other for you. And here you thought you were the crazy person.
Things have been a lot different since the last time I actually talked to you. I realized this morning that I missed having our talks every day. I missed being able to say things that no one else understands. That is why I’m writing you this letter. I’m hoping this will slowly get us back into our daily routine.
So today I want to tell you that you have sexy legs. I know you are probably thinking what the hell do my legs have to do with anything? They have a lot to do with it. If I saw you today I’m sure that I would tell you how great your legs look in those cut off shorts you used to wear with your cowboy boots. God bless the person who invented those boots. When you wear them, it is the sexiest thing this side of the Mississippi.